Sunday, December 04, 2011

My Failings


I still have not let go of a part of her. I have not let go of the person I once have known her. The person who once believed in me. The person who cared for me.

However, I have lost her. Somehow, deep inside, she is now a different person.

Because I cannot be the person who she wishes me to be, she let go. She has given up.
I don't think my jealousy is the main reason for her to let go, other than that she has labeled me to be with homo tendencies.

Yes, that hurts a lot.

She left because she can't understand me and is fed up already. She has lost her patience on me. I could not live up to her standards/conditions because I'm "stubborn", synonymously strong-willed. Her love is conditional, and I have fallen short of her love.

And so I thought that she could help me live up to my full potential because I saw someone whom I thought believed in me. For the first time, I thought that finally, there's someone who believes in me and can see passed through what is visible of me, through a facade.

I am even unable to hug her to say thank you to her because she weird out of me. She can't touch me like I am some leper, banished from all cares and hopes to finding my true identity. The identity of finding and reaching my full potential.

People has said I have great potential or very blessed but they are all just up to their mouths. They are all just mere words to me.

Every time I share my wishes, some are fulfilled yet some, esp those most important ones, has not been fulfilled and like it's just placed in a box thought to be forgotten. But I don't forget. Wishes that I so much wanted is never given to me.

A friend. A best friend. A true friend. Long term relationships never last long with me. Rejection, abandonment, dismissed, given up: these end the relationship.

Improving my skills and abilities. Improving what I know already never heightens for long.

Be taught of the Bible. Told I'm too old to be taught like a child. I know a lot already so I don't to be taught anymore.

If only I could just be my own best friend. If only I can help myself improve without the encouragement, feedback and evaluation of a human being.

Yet I thank God, I don't give up the promise to be taught of the Bible because I know, "a person is never too young or too old to be taught of God's Word."

I am going to carry God's promises. I may have fallen from perfection but I have not fallen from God's unconditional love. May God's love be my eternal strength and comfort, and my motivation to never give up. I still wish to find myself in this unloving and cruel world, and where I do stand out from the rest of these human beings.

I know I am different but I will not let discrimination stop me from being different. I may want to give up most times and stop pretending like I am okay in all these troubles. I will just give up to God. I am not okay but I am okay with God. God does not discriminate me. God does not leave me when he finds fault in me. God does not give me conditions on how to remain in his love. All he does is love me without question, without discrimination, without doubt.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Feelings of Hurt & Loss


These are two of the things that I am trying to avoid, but I have to take courage and face.
The feelings of the emotions, of hurt and of loss.

Just like I feel hurt when I see people hugging one another because I can't hug or can't have the hug. Every time I see them enjoying each other's relationships, I have that same feeling of hurt and of loss because I can never forever be able to have that kind of relationship (mentoring, teacher-student, true friendship relationships). I have experienced these good things before, but it hasn't stayed for long, and that is all the memory I can treasure. When I think the feelings of hurt and loss are going away, it is when the good things are slowly fading away.

If only I can just avoid this reality. If only I can escape from the unpleasant things. I have to take courage and face. Whether I avoid or face, it still is going to be the same or my situation is still going to be the same. Though it hurts most all the time, all I can do is just trust in God and hope I can have the good things forever someday though seemingly impossible.

Feelings of hurt and loss of someone special (a teacher, most trusted friend, spiritual mother, counselor, life coach, mentor, confidant) is like cancer.

And I feel like in every friendship/relationship, I am a side dish.

- A loner

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Accept me as I am


Just because I'm not diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, I still wish the same things as the diagnosed. This is not a way to make an excuse but a way that I want people to accept me as I am, Asperger or not.

Here is a blog from an Aspie (Asperger person) writing "Five Things We'd Like People to Know About Adults on the Spectrum". I have the same wishes as he is. These blogs, for example, and a Facebook group help me find the words I've been looking for in order to let people what really is that I need because I find it hard to find my words to describe my requests and what I am feeling. When I want to share about my request, I always end up being described as "clingy" because these are my words "treat me like 'the others' " or "can I be your baby?" when I mean "can you please help me and give some attention to my needs?" "Treat me like 'the others' " when I should have said "I may be different but look inside of me, I'm still a person. I'm the same as every one else. I have needs to. Underneath that facade which you see every day, I'm still a person with needs. Accept me as I am. Treat me like 'the others'. " Anyway, I said the words again; I'm still confused with my words of expression. Because of those words, I lose people; I just lost someone I trusted, my Big Sister/teacher/counselor/friend.

Anyway, read Five Things We'd Like People to Know About Adults on the Spectrum, to know what we (Aspies) have been requesting to the majority of people.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

It Hurts...


It hurts everyday to know that what has been treasured is now gone.

It hurts to keep up with having my relationship with God when I don't have a relationship with His Family.

It hurts to know that God is my God but He can't be fully my God because God is a God of relationships.

It hurts that I am losing myself because of trying to hang on and move on.

It hurts that trusting pays a lot of risks and may end up a disaster.

It hurts to not fit-in in this shallow stereotyped world just because I am not accepted for who I am, even in God's Family.

It hurts to "belong" in a group and assumed that I fit-in though they do not know who I really am.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Vertical and Horizontal Relationship


What if I already have, I mean, I'm alright with God. But I still fail in my horizontal relationships. Yes, I've been told to work out my vertical relationship and my horizontal relationship will come after.

I was alright with God before my relationship with my spiritual mother turned sour. I never wanted my relationship with God be affected but it did waver, including my relationship with others.

And I thought, "can I ever have a good relationship with God when I don't have good relationships with people?" I mean God is a God of relationships. God is not my God if my relationship with His people is not there, or not cultivated.

I'm a loner, have been a loner. Frustrated with my social life because I lack it. Because I lack social life, I thought, I only want just God and me, and why do I have to trouble myself with God, others, and me? But spiritual life doesn't work that way.

Jesus said to love God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength (vertical), but Jesus emphasized and included, "and the second is like it: you shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Mt 22:35-39)

Jesus also said that before we offer our sacrifices to God, we should first be reconciled with our brothers (Mt 5:23,24).

It is also said that in 1 Jn 4:20,21, he who loves God must also love his brother.

I am in need right now. I have tried reconciling with my spiritual mother (she's also a pastor, she helped me transition in life). I stop joining prayer meetings and bible studies because it hurts when I see her. Though it hurts me more that I am isolated from God's family. Isolation is a disorder that could stunt spiritual and emotional growth. Though I've reached an adult age now, I'm still emotionally underdeveloped (or I'm emotionally that of a child).

Nonetheless, I write to you that your May 11 article may need more because it's kinda broad and I may want to know your thoughts on both the vertical and horizontal relationships. And for more than a month, I get convicted of this many times through my devotions and prayers with God.

When we have God, we are not only married to Him but also to His Family, right? And our spiritual relationship is that of a Cross (vertical and horizontal). Let me share an illustration: The vertical line is the foundation. Without the balance beam (horizontal line), how will the foundation stand tall for long? When calamities come (persecution, trials), it's byebye foundation if it's not strong enough.

Yes, God is our firm Foundation. And God knows we can't stand on our own because we are still imperfect. Relationship with others is two-way. But relationship with God is three-way. But we should never rely on others for our spiritual needs. And when we rely on God, our spiritual needs are met (that's where your May 11 article goes).

I have another illustration: Christ is my vessel (from the song "If Christ is my vessel I can smile at the storm..."), the Father is the wind, and His people is the sail. If I have no relationship with God's people, how can I set sail if there is no sail? If a storm comes, the sail is useless and it's packed inside the vessel. Still Christ is our protector.

In this storm I am in and because I have no control over my relationships with others and it really is hard for me to believe that I will ever have good relationships with people and have anything good (Rom8:28), I must still and pray for help from God to trust Him and lean not on my own understanding (Prov3:5).

I still waver with my thoughts esp with the vertical and horizontal relationships. I'm not sure whether the conviction comes from the Holy Spirit or just my own thoughts. I am not perfect.

But my main point is: I just want God and I don't want my relationship with people affect my relationship with God.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Broken Spirit and A Contrite Heart

God IS close to the brokenhearted. Once we acknowledge His Love and Presence, calling to Him, trusting Him, and praising Him would not be too much of a struggle because His Holy Spirit will guide us as we offer ourselves to God.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Don't have it? Can't have it?

Don't complain because you don't have this or that. Be thankful because you have what others would envy you for, and some would feel hurt or heartbroken because they can't have it even though they can grab it at their own reach but...really, can't have it.

Like a child who wants a lollipop but cannot have it because he has diabetes.
Like a teen who wants to go out with friends but has to stay in the hospital because of cancer.
Like an athlete who wants to run as fast as he can but became paralyzed.
Like an old lady who wishes for companionship but has grown old without family and friends.

Give what you have and what you can to those who need it more.

Personally, I yearn for unconditional friendship. A friendship where I can have time and attention and hugs. But, I am deprived of hugs, ever since I was still younger. I am thought to be "clingy" and overly dependent, and even thought to have "gay tendencies".
All I want is a hug but I am in trouble for it.
Every time I see people and friends hugging, I feel a nail piercing my heart. I just wish for them to stop hugging in my midst. I don't want to see them hugging while I can't have it.
Specially want a hug from someone who has taught me and cared for me (my mentor/counselor/teacher/Big Sister), but she can't give me because she has thought it best as "healthy distance".

I may have gotten hugs from random people, but it is different when it is someone close to you.

Today is a churchmate's birthday. She is a year younger than me. I worry that my Big Sister would hug her a Happy Birthday. That would really hurt me. When I had my brithday, she greeted me on YM only.
My envy and jealousy is unacceptable. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It just comes to me.

Some times, I try to hug or give a hug. But because I don't have much practice and, maybe, experience with it, I am not comfortable.

Some times, I wish that there is no such thing as relationships or, better yet, hugs.
Nonetheless, I can only fantasize of hugs.

In my prayers, I could just say, "God, I can't hug you, I can't touch you nor can I feel you hugging and holding me against your bosom. I've been taught that you provide our needs but how can you hug me? But God, touch my heart. Touch my heart like you have touched me before, like the first time I came to know you. You are my Father. You are my Teacher. You are my Therapist. You are my Friend. Touch my heart and just fill me with Your Love and Comfort, Your Presence, and Your unfailing Majesty. You have revealed Yourself to me in many ways, and that I thank You."

video
After I wrote this journal entry, I saw this. Honestly, it is so hard to see or to fill in to others' shoes when you are one of them. Though hurting myself, I honestly try to give what I can to those who need it too. I am not perfect but God is perfect and we are told to be like Jesus Christ without exceptions. It is also my prayer that God would teach me, guide me, and lead me to become a person who is from Christ and of Christ and one who lives in Christ.
May weaknesses become strengths in all of us. Amen.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

One of those days...May3'11

Running a race alone and struggling to catch up is hard. But praise God that He brings anyone to run with, making a very hard thing into an easy one.

Witholding an act of thankfulness is so hard and painful, especially when it is wanting to hug someone you're so thankful of, but knowing that I can't hug and afraid to ask to hug because the answer may be a No.

The heaviness of the pain and brokenness became small when the days aren't idle (but now I worry that I don't worry).

Saturday, April 30, 2011

I DON'T HAVE HOMO TENDENCIES!

What have I done to deserve this? What sin have I caused to deserve this?
I am told to have "gay tendencies" because I had a dream (from sleeping) 3 years ago that my counselor was wearing shorts (when in fact, she, who actually was wearing shorts, was the last person I saw before I slept that day).
The dream was: I was playing/practicing the piano. Achi (the counselor) was sitting beside and watching (wearing her short shorts). After I practiced, I sat on her lap.
That day was overwhelming to me. It was the time I was told I might have depression.
The actual events of that day were: 1) After school, I went for piano lessons. 2) After piano lessons, Achi (wearing her shorts) wanted to meet me and tell me about the depression and that we should meet a professional. 3) It was bad news to me, and I had a meltdown. When I got home, I punched and punched so much until I got tired and fell asleep without eating lunch. 4) It was then I dreamt that dream.
All those years, I thought it was just my need for attention, acceptance, and nurture.
I am accused to have "gay tendencies". Told to meditate on Eph. 4:17-5:20.
WHAT SIN DO I HAVE THAT I CAN'T IDENTIFY? I am not who Achi (and even those who think I may be) think I am or have.
So my needs or neediness is a sin?
I am banished like a leper or someone with AIDS.
I AM NOT GAY. I DON'T HAVE SEXUAL ATTRACTION TOWARDS THE SAME SEX. I DON'T HAVE HOMO TENDENCIES.
One of my worst fears is to be left behind by everybody.
The person I trust a lot is, most of the time, the person I get hurt from or be accused and told that I don't trust her.
I do want to change, but I also want people to change around me.
I don't want to visit the professional counselor, Achi referred/passed me to, in just an hour in a day/week. I want answers immediately. And I want now. I want Achi to stop thinking I may be homo.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

For Tina Tackitt (Y! Answers)

In response, I am the jealous spiritual daughter. I'm sorry for the lack of information.

I'm "the other" as mentioned: One gets more attention than THE OTHER. One spends more time than THE OTHER (once a week, and the other, once in barely two months). I included the info inside the parenthesis when I wrote my question, but I didn't notice it disappeared. I have borderline-schizoid personality disorders and suspected to have Aspergers.

The other girl that I got jealous of was a new Christian. I could understand that our spiritual mother spends once a week with her for two years now for discipleship.

I once spent once a week when I started counseling with her: once a week for 1 month, once in 2 weeks for 13 months, once a month for 8 months, then once in barely 2 months for 8 months (when I started getting jealous more). After the "once in 2 months", I spent time with her only twice. I'm with her for 3 years now.

I know jealouse is bad. I know God is more than enough already but I still get jealous.

The other girl is a year older than me but is still in college while I just graduated.

I feel jealous because I think that she is getting what I never or barely have. Also I think that people are treating her like younger than me. I'm told to GROW UP and ACT MY AGE. But it's hard to act my age because I'm emotionally young and immature. My peers are into boyfriends & girlfriends while I still get uncomfortable with the thought of it. My doctor also says I'm not ready for such relationship anyway. It's still yuck.

My doctor tried encouraging me that my spiritual mother is giving me the special attention but I don't see that from her. Before yeah. But now. It's like I lost her. So, seems like I'm withdrawing from her, worse, from almost everyone.

I was once identified with her by a few of our churchmates, but now, I'm no longer identified with her. Her "disciple" is more widely identified with her.

My spiritual mother is also like a big sister to me.

She told me to learn to share to other big sisters in church as well not just her. But when she said that, it seemed like she's closing me out from her. However, sharing to other big sisters about issues that I am only comfortable to share with her is hard AND I have trouble keeping relationships with people. I can only manage one relationship from another. So it's really confusing. Yeah, I do share to other big sisters but only superficial problems of mine, like finding work or what should I dress.

Also, I get jealous because they both have more sharings to say to one another. They can converse more while I have only few topics to share regardless of having a "big brain". And because I don't talk much and I'm boring.

Now, I'm hating myself again.

As for my biological mother, she's near to an absentee mother. I don't understand her. We don't connect. When we talk, we end up arguing (but I turn away before an argument starts). I try to connect with her without talking much but still is hard.

My jealousy feats started when I was still 5yo when my younger brother was born. So I could tell that this jealousy of mine is similar to the time when I was 5yo. I told my spiritual mother this though. She knows I'm jealous because I told her. That's when the "once in barely 2 months" came about. I also got jealous when a guy was courting her. Now they're boyfriend/girlfriend.

Oh, and she's only 10years older than me. She's a pastor in my church. She was my computer teacher 12 years ago. Sunday school teacher 11 years ago.

Many times I wish I'm leaving from this place just to leave every thing and every one behind. Just want to start life in another place. Find new people (though I am scared of people but there's no loss in trying). This place is depressing.

I hope this answers your question regarding lack of information.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Second week of 2011 - Love God with your everything

Second week of 2011. I was a bit enthusiastic last week, but this week, I was becoming distressed. At my second weekend of 2011, I did nothing. So yeah, my Saturday was a bum; I didn't clean my room. Until now, it still isn't clean.

Got angry at my parents for complaining indirectly about me and blaming that I was guilty when I walked away though I personally wasn't guilty. I only walked away to stop listening to them. And that concluded me thinking, "I'll show them! I'll prove them wrong. I will find a job." (I definitely was wrong here. I should be proving to God, not anyone.)

Throughout the week, I was thinking of my future and 2011. I wanted to do more in 2011, more than I did in 2010, which I really did nothing meaningful at all. I wanted to accomplish my plans: (1) really find a job, (2) grab my transcript, (3) go back to school to finally get a better job for me than nursing, (4) slowly complete my application for a foreign school, (5) SAVE MONEY, (6) keep a clean room (after my room's painted), (7) continue with my project, (8) read more than 5-10 books, and (9) consistently read the Bible. (These aren't new year's resolutions; they're lifetime resolutions which I hope to keep until accomplished.)

This week, I was in that near-meltdown-mood (though I still am today). But somehow, I had been holding it down though I wanted to release it but I'd be destructive or it's all weird and not normal.

And I got locked from my car yesterday. I left my key inside again. This time, I also left my bag inside. When these things happen, it's no surprise when I was angry or just lost in thoughts. These were also the times when I trusted God completely for my safety and everything else. Got me up and working just like when I got sick. I was also glad yesternight that the hospital allowed me to use their phone than the phone booth for I had none in my pocket (no coins), and was able to remember our new home phone number right. Thank God for my brother the rescuer.

Oh, and I also had my first photo shoot yesterday morning with my brother. I found my pictures beautiful. Led me to accept offers for photo shoot for 6 prom girls and a photo booth for Chinese new year (both in February). Next, I should be researching for the cost or pricing. This would be one of my tasks this week.

Praise God for Bible Studies too, but I also wish we get to learn more from the Bible than just always sharing about ourselves longer than learning the Bible. And I am not liking the kind-of-nonsense cliches or I just don't get their jokes.

Anyway, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, strength." (Luke 10:27a)

I hope to practice loving God this week with (10) building a habit to organize my tasks for the day each day, each week, and (11) heartily accomplishing my tasks: first by waking up at 8AM and sleeping at 10PM (exluding today, I'm still writing my journal for 2nd week, GULP!).

God, please help me live rightfully to you. Thank you for loving me when nobody does, giving your time with me, listening to every word I say even my complaints, watching over me, and constantly reminding me how to live for you.

In Jerusalem I pray, (OOPS! Hehe. This actually happened when I prayed to God today.) In Jesus' name, so forever pure and holy name, AMEN.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

My First Week of 2011 - Do Hard Things/Seek God First

Okay, I may have had another unpleasant Christmas but year 2010 ended better than the past years. Even though I got sick during the last days, I was more enthusiastic and optimistic. Almost always am I optimistic when I get sick and I don't know why neither do I want to know why. Furthermore, I think I celebrated CHRISTmas later. This week, I have been listening to Christmas songs and thought, "everyday should be CHRISTmas". Yeah, Christmas to me is peace and goodwill to men, but it's not always peace. Now I'm thinking, my relationship with God is more important than good tidings.

Right in the middle of my "devotion" tonight, I thought to start journaling my 2011. Journaling a year? I think this impulsive action is being motivated by another impulsive action, my One-Year-PhotoChallenge. But hey, it's better to do something or do A LOT than do nothing.

Ten things I have in mind upon the start of 2011 or this first week, chronologically (this is not some kind of new year's resolution, I don't do resolutions, never done it before either):
  1. 365 Days PhotoChallenge
  2. 1st week of January - hunt nurses for my draft
  3. 2nd week of January - make my final draft and hunt nurses to sign
  4. Clean my room and pack to transfer to another room (hope to do tomorrow, Saturday)
  5. Read the 30-Day New Believers Studies section of my devotional Bible (NCV) edited by Max Lucado (it has become my "devotion")
  6. "Seek first the kingdom of God" Matt.6:33
  7. Go out often
  8. Time is precious
  9. One at a time
  10. Journal 2011 weekly
So far, I'm doing well with my PhotoChallenge but having some slight dilemma regarding the use of dSLR (considering its shutter life). I was able to obtain the nurses' names and license numbers except I forgot their titles/degrees. It was very disappointing and I was overwhelmed because I had to go back again, but I'd go back to the hospitals next week on Monday.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God" has not left my head since Monday. The past few months, I was unhappy and maybe the seasonal depression thing; however this week, I think it's all about joy and I know it came from God alone, not from me, not from anyone, neither from me seeking to be happy. And speaking of happy, I qoute from Max Lucado's NCV, "But the truly happy people are those who carefully study God's perfect law that makes people free, and they continue to study it. They do not forget what they heard, but they obey what God's teaching says. Those who do this will be made happy." (James 1:25, qouted in Day 4 of 30-Day New Believer Studies section)

Every time I feel like doing nothing, "seek ye first the kingdom of God" comes to mind. Also, I have made this verse as my screen wallpaper of my computer, and every time I open my computer or even touch it in the morning after waking up, I remember the verse which then lead me to remember those 8 things I mentioned above (excluding 9 and 10 which came just tonight).

Go out often. I really have to do this. *sigh* I heard another complaint at home about money matters today. Ugh! I really hate talking/hearing/discussing about it. I should use my money for every expense I spend they say. Could it be easier to tolerate their complains if I were working and having a house of my own? And if only the environment is safer (from pollution) like before. But now, everywhere is dust and heat. Hurts my respiratory track and my head-skin-eyes respectively (poor immune system and very sensitive). And the noise hurts my ears too. They're so confusing. They encourage to keep safe from such bodily abuse but complain to be exposed. Blah blah blah. Only an hour later did I forget about this bad thing, these complains (well, it's not just that, there are a lot). When they complain, there is blame coated underneath. Also, could this forgetting be a good thing without resolution? (Oh, and I physically hurt myself again after taking their complains.) These happened right before I was at the last chapter of my day (meaning "time to go to my room and ready for my night").

I just want to end this week well.

Made another video. Even though I really wanted to stop accepting services, I could not say No to this one because they are from church and their tone of voice (when they told me) was an assurance that I will take their request. Money matters AGAIN! Never mind. I just hope I won't be facing any more money talks (but at home, this could be impossible.)

I still have tomorrow to face and end this week. I just pray and devote myself to "seek God first" and yeah, one at a time. Oh, and this could be the 11th but faint thing: Read books. Faint because I still leave out this one. I have Do Hard Things to read and I don't even remember when I started reading it. However, this book is a good read, not just good but GREAT. And maybe this is the zeroth |zeer-ohth| (0th) thing: Do Hard Things. The title of the book has been imprinted (hopefully forever) in my head. I'm inspired with awe and influenced by it. I also have to start reading lots of books to keep my brain working and functional and productive. My brain tells me that reading books stop me from being complacent like I was complacent over my studies before I became a bookworm, and I don't want to go back to that complacency.

Today, Friday, I was making my assignment for Bible Study. I learned the life of Augustine of Hippo, Francis of Assisi, Martin Luther, John Wesley, and Mother Theresa. The verses that changed their lives have some influence in me too. Read their lives in Wikipedia. I was also ready for Bible Study; however, it was canceled because many could not make it. So sad. Very sad. When I went home, I thought I would just read my Day 6 of 30-Day Studies which I hadn't read today until tonight. And what if I'd forget what I studied? Oh well, might as well read about them again. I like Martin Luther's story or maybe it's John Wesley. Now I forgot.

Still, even though every thing in this world is limited, God is never limited. However, I still don't like the thought of the reality of this world. I just want God to be my reality.

Even though there had been few times of bad times, I just think of "seeking God first" then somehow, I feel free deep inside. May not be happy but content.

Dear God, I thank you for this week. Keep and continue me to be motivated and up-and-working. Continue filling me with Your Words and Your Holy Spirit. Also please help me to finally clean my room completely. In Jesus' Name, Amen

P.s. I just got sick recently.