Sunday, July 05, 2009


Preview: This day, I was troubled whether I should join church the next day or not because I was afraid I might cry for the fact that I was left behind from our Thailand Mission Trip last June21-29. And the topic for that Sunday was debriefing of the trip. Letting the congregation know what happened in Thailand.
I don't understand my self. I'm confused. I never wish to join church because I don't want to feel "ouch" and what people may think of me, asking questions. Somehow these thoughts are like the attention is on me. I may have hoped for people's attention but I don't like it. Want but not want.

If I go, I shouldn't be thinking of me me me. Should be them them them. Shouldn't be thinking what people think and "people come to me, I need comfort." If ever I get the latter, I shouldn't be thinking "Wow! They care. Go! I want more." I should rather be thinking, "Thank you, dear God, for their love. Thank you for giving me friends and making me part of the family."

Satan may become happy if I don't go there. He'll be happy because I am INTO me me me, I I I. He was happy I wasn't in Thailand. Should I make him happy if I wouldn't be in church? All because I don't feel like it?

Okay. Fine. Go to church.

Why? Get the attention of people?

No. Support the team as I am part of the team. I prayed for them and stood strong for them. I updated myself about the weather in Thailand so I could know how they were. Kept on reading the schedule to know what they were up to.

I should be there with them, know the fruits of my prayers, how they had been, how did God work with them, how God stood beside them and kept them safe. I isolated myself so I could still feel like I was with them, though not physically but "in spirit".

I will be there for them. Would be so selfish of me if I don't just because I don't feel liking it. So selfish that I prayed for them the whole week and every time I remember them even if it hurt me. Selfish that I wouldn't know the result of what I had so prayed for.

[Remember the battle you faced that week. Remember like you remembered the battle you had with God the past year against depression. You reviewed the past victory to win over that recent misery you faced, the misery of being left behind. Now, remember that battle.]

Next question is: 8AM or 10AM service?

I chose 10AM service so maybe I wouldn't cry. It's dragging because of the translations, and many people. Which, I might be able to control myself more from crying. [Listen to yourself. I, me, my.]

Now, I think of going to both services. The fact that the team may be giving different testimonies on both services. Even if not, it's still the team giving the testimonies. I will join both to be there for them. To support them with my presence.

[Also remember tomorrow is First Sunday. Communion. Fellowshipping with Christ and His Body. You are not only part of the team, but also the Body. You are part of God's Family.]

......Pride is still kicking in. If I am asked why I am joining and why both services, I feel shy to answer them for they may think I am being vain already or maybe foolish. [I I I. Hello, vain? Shy? Foolish? Maybe? Thinking such thing is already vain enough and foolish. Besides, it's MAYBE. What if this thought is not true? Where will you side? Think it's true or think it's NOT true? Letting pride win? Letting the "I" win? Or letting Satan win because you're being too selfish, self-centered, conceited, and prideful?]

[Remember from which you came from before God brought you to this time now after you had depression. You were full of yourself, and God was & IS teaching you to be humble. Think of what God wants you to be. Think according to what God may be thinking for you. Remember, He wants you to be humble and loving others, the reason why He is teaching you and has shown His Love real to you. Remember what God has done to you. Remember who you were and who you have become.]

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Could an Old Desire Still has Significance...?

The title actually is, "Could a desire of a 4yo has significance if the 4yo becomes a 20yo and still has that same desire? Or is there still "something" about that desire?"

Okay. That's me. I really couldn't remember when I had that desire except I knew I was preschool. A desire or a wish or hopes.

Still is so clear in my memories, the first time I made that wish. I wished to be able to do something for the people from the streets and elderly people. Even wished to be super rich to help them (thinking of a four-year-old). However, at this time, I'm scared to even help an old lady with her grocery cart. (Shy)

I have been recently thinking (again), yet imagining, of an orphanage, a home-for-the-aged, or a shelter-for-the-homeless. Starting any of these and bring the needy to a place they can call home. Give them food, clothes, and may even a bed for the night for the homeless. And during their stay, talk with them, listen to them, share the gospel to them, and importantly, share God's love to them. Share testimonies, preach the Word, lead bible studies, etc.

The irony? No money. Don't like kids. Before, I never liked teaching. Never thought of myself as a teacher. Never done anything about these people other than joining those outreaches. Such a BIG responsibility for a wee like I.

However, God can provide the needs. I, somehow, is being led to kids and teaching. I find, recently, that I can be an advocate, a listener, a whatever that I never think I could be doing or could become. A teacher? A counselor? An evangelist? A...what? I know these NEW traits/abilities do not come from anyone or anything or from me; all these come from God and Him alone. Seems like God's spiritual gifts. What about piano, techie mind, Math/Chemistry, all things I certainly know I know? Abilities I have earned from years of learning? But I now do learn to appreciate more the abilities I never earned from anything.

Think there's something about this "desires/wishes/hopes/unexpected abilities"? Does seem to connect.

[This is the second time I write a journal with a similar question: Could this be my direction? Is this what God wants for me? Still waiting... If this is it? Then I'll still be waiting... No need to rush. Just wait for God's GO signal. (He's still teaching me.)]