Tuesday, February 01, 2011

For Tina Tackitt (Y! Answers)

In response, I am the jealous spiritual daughter. I'm sorry for the lack of information.

I'm "the other" as mentioned: One gets more attention than THE OTHER. One spends more time than THE OTHER (once a week, and the other, once in barely two months). I included the info inside the parenthesis when I wrote my question, but I didn't notice it disappeared. I have borderline-schizoid personality disorders and suspected to have Aspergers.

The other girl that I got jealous of was a new Christian. I could understand that our spiritual mother spends once a week with her for two years now for discipleship.

I once spent once a week when I started counseling with her: once a week for 1 month, once in 2 weeks for 13 months, once a month for 8 months, then once in barely 2 months for 8 months (when I started getting jealous more). After the "once in 2 months", I spent time with her only twice. I'm with her for 3 years now.

I know jealouse is bad. I know God is more than enough already but I still get jealous.

The other girl is a year older than me but is still in college while I just graduated.

I feel jealous because I think that she is getting what I never or barely have. Also I think that people are treating her like younger than me. I'm told to GROW UP and ACT MY AGE. But it's hard to act my age because I'm emotionally young and immature. My peers are into boyfriends & girlfriends while I still get uncomfortable with the thought of it. My doctor also says I'm not ready for such relationship anyway. It's still yuck.

My doctor tried encouraging me that my spiritual mother is giving me the special attention but I don't see that from her. Before yeah. But now. It's like I lost her. So, seems like I'm withdrawing from her, worse, from almost everyone.

I was once identified with her by a few of our churchmates, but now, I'm no longer identified with her. Her "disciple" is more widely identified with her.

My spiritual mother is also like a big sister to me.

She told me to learn to share to other big sisters in church as well not just her. But when she said that, it seemed like she's closing me out from her. However, sharing to other big sisters about issues that I am only comfortable to share with her is hard AND I have trouble keeping relationships with people. I can only manage one relationship from another. So it's really confusing. Yeah, I do share to other big sisters but only superficial problems of mine, like finding work or what should I dress.

Also, I get jealous because they both have more sharings to say to one another. They can converse more while I have only few topics to share regardless of having a "big brain". And because I don't talk much and I'm boring.

Now, I'm hating myself again.

As for my biological mother, she's near to an absentee mother. I don't understand her. We don't connect. When we talk, we end up arguing (but I turn away before an argument starts). I try to connect with her without talking much but still is hard.

My jealousy feats started when I was still 5yo when my younger brother was born. So I could tell that this jealousy of mine is similar to the time when I was 5yo. I told my spiritual mother this though. She knows I'm jealous because I told her. That's when the "once in barely 2 months" came about. I also got jealous when a guy was courting her. Now they're boyfriend/girlfriend.

Oh, and she's only 10years older than me. She's a pastor in my church. She was my computer teacher 12 years ago. Sunday school teacher 11 years ago.

Many times I wish I'm leaving from this place just to leave every thing and every one behind. Just want to start life in another place. Find new people (though I am scared of people but there's no loss in trying). This place is depressing.

I hope this answers your question regarding lack of information.