Saturday, May 29, 2010

My Phobias and their Meanings

Agoraphobia - It is an irrational fear of crowded/public places or even leaving a safe place. Also known as demophobia and enochlophobia, the agoraphobic situations may include shopping, crowded places, traveling, standing in line, social gatherings and even being alone. "I still go to malls or other crowded places except I don't go near to crowds or people. I hate standing in long lines. I hate traffic jams. I would find where there are few people than a pack of people. In elevators, I can handle the closed space but can't when there are a lot of people in it, especially strangers."

Algophobia - It is an exaggerated and intense fear of pain. Also known as odynophobia or odynephobia, it's an anxiety disorder where the sufferer is scared of experiencing pain or seeing others experiencing it. "Fear of getting hurt and to hurt?"

Aphenphosmphobia - It is an unusual and weird fear of touching or being touched. Also known as aphephobia, chiraptophobia, haphephobia, haphophobia, hapnophobia, haptephobia, haptophobia and thixophobia, it is an intense exaggeration of the normal tendencies to protect one's personal space, expressed as a fear of contamination or of the invasion not only from strangers but also from known people. "Before, I transcribe touch as pain. Now, I'm still learning that touch can also mean love. I can now be touched but I'm still a bit selective and cautious. It's hard to trust people."

Athazagoraphobia - It is an exaggerated and intense fear of being forgotten, ignored or replaced. The person having this phobia may experience depression, anger and deliberate isolation even with a small thought of being forgotten or ignored.

Autophobia - It is an abnormal and intense fear of loneliness, solitude, of being alone or by oneself. Also known as cremophobia, eremophobia, isolophobia or monophobia, the person suffering from this phobia may experience anxiety and will always worry about being ignored or unloved. "In relation to my athazagoraphobia." Read more on: Fear of Abandonment.

Cleithrophobia - It is an abnormal and intense fear of being locked in an enclosed or confined place; also known as cleisiophobia or clithrophobia. "Imagined or real, whichever. I hate movies like Alice In Wonderland because I feel trapped. I hate places where I feel trapped. I hate sticking to scheduled activities because I feel trapped."

Decidophobia - It is an overwhelming and abnormal fear of making decisions. The person suffering from this phobia may actually fear making wrong decision and so is reluctant to make any decision at all.

Emetophobia - It is an intense and abnormal fear pertaining to vomiting or being sick. "I hate motion sickness. I hate getting sick when out of town or traveling. I always have to think before deciding to travel. Can I survive it? Can my body be saved from it? I wear loose clothing and a jacket, bring a lot of medicines, a bottle of water, a hand towel, a sunglasses, and always remember to bring my prescription glasses when traveling."

Ergasiophobia -It is an abnormal or unusual fear of work or functioning; also termed as ergophobia. A surgeon's fear of operating. "In my case, I fear working in the hospitals. I also don't like to work long hours nor during nighttime or dawn. I may not like field work as well. I prefer to work a desk job."

Gamophobia - Fear of marriage. "I don't know if this is my fear but I don't want to marry. I don't want to have kids. This could relate to my pedophobia and philophobia."

Heliophobia - It's an abnormal and intense fear of sun or sunlight. "My skin turns red and I itch. I get a headache. All when exposed to the sun."

Macrophobia - It is an abnormal and persistent fear of long waits. The sufferer may experience anxiety and discomfort when confronted with any situation that involves waiting for a long time. "I hyperventilate and my heart beats faster. In traffic jams, I try to find another route where there is less or no traffic. Same with standing in long lines."

Nosocomephobia - It's an unwarranted and abnormal fear of hospitals. The sufferers may refrain from going to hospitals. "In connection to ergasiophobia."

Ochlophobia - It is an irrational and morbid fear of crowds or mobs. "In connection to my agoraphobia."

Pedophobia -The phobia is related to fear of children, infants or childhood. Also called pediophobia or pediaphobia, the recognized outcomes of this phobia include paternalism, adultism, and by extension, ageism. "I hate kids. I envy kids. I get jealous of them."

Philophobia - Fear of romance. People who have a fear of falling in love or being in love, are said to be victims of this particular phobia. "I don't like the thought of sex and the affection brought by marriage."

Photophobia - People who are excessively sensitive to light and are averse to sunlight or well-lit places are known to have this phobia. It’s an abnormal sensitivity or discomfort towards light and is also defined as the fear of light. "In connection to my heliophobia. I don't like too much light. My eyes hurt."

Selenophobia - Fear of the moon. "I don't know why but I hate looking at the moon when it's full and bright and big."

Tropophobia - Fear of moving or making changes. "I have a hard time adjusting."

Xenophobia - Fear of strangers. "This also relates to my agoraphobia. Could this include fear of the unknown and the unfamiliar?"

FEAR OF UNCERTAINTY - "I don't know what it is called in phobia terms. But this could also relate to my decidophobia."

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your GOD will be with you wherever you go.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your GOD. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:13 For I am the LORD, your GOD, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 42:6 I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. . . .

God, can you be my Mommy? Can you be my Daddy?

I am at a fight with my own self. I wish to do these things (clean my room, read my Bible) but I always fail to do it. I hesitate, procrastinate, and even forget the things which I should have done earlier (email a couple of people, post demanded pictures, text a friend). Days, weeks, or months have passed and I still fail to do them. I have lost my diligence and initiative.

I am at a fight with my self. I still feel so alone even in the midst of friends. Talking or sharing to the ones who may be able to understand me is hard. I want to talk but they still seem so unreachable.

I am at a fight with my self. I am only at peace when I escape from my thoughts that are battling against me within me. I am at peace when I am on the computer. I am at peace especially when I just sleep out of the trouble. Not doing anything. Not minding it. Divert into a chasm of escape.

I am at a fight with my self. Who can help me? Who can stop me? Who can help me stop fighting with my self? Who can fight the battle for me? Who can save me?

I am at a fight with my self. I fail to have the habit of doing things. I fail to surrender wholly to God because I still have that something which I am holding onto that I couldn't figure out, and I don't know what it is.

I am at a fight with my self. I am hopeless. I don't have direction. I seem to have no future. Still glad to have friends who have told me, "It's normal to enter into uncertainty after graduating because they have entered it as well." That gave me strength a bit. But every day, seems to have no purpose. Every day, I do the same thing over and over meaningless things. Wake up. Computer. Lunch. Computer/sleep. Go out. Go home. Dinner. Computer. Could I just decay?

I am at a fight with my self. I am still hopeless. I have no future. I want to disappear. I wish carefree. Or I would rather want to leave home and have my own. Learn to live independently. Already living in my parents' house, I couldn't learn independence. I want a hands on experience. Or I want to give up this present life and start another.

I am still at a fight with my self. If only I haven't lived.


Sunday, May 09, 2010

September Thoughts (2009)

"Gotta learn to ignite than to hold the ignition until KABOOM."
"Gotta stop knowing and be ignorant because I would never able to know everything."
"Gotta stop making perfect and start making mistakes."
"Gotta stop understanding myself for I never would."
"When I long to feel alive, pain makes it for me. It's within reach than love, which is just too good to be true."
"When I don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream."
"When doing death, really trying to do it, makes dreaming about it so ridiculous."
"I am a lazy, self-indulgent little girl who thinks something is wrong with her."
"I don't have what most people have. I don't seem to see that I have a lot of friends. I don't seem to know that I have what it takes to be a winner."
"When emotionally overwhelmed, we are blinded." - Howard Hia
"I'm stuck between two forces, but I tend to stick to the easy side when I really want to reach the far side, the difficult side, the meaningful side. However, I doubt if I could last in both sides, so I rock in such turbulence until I lose my balance. which always happen. When it does, I lose myself, I sit in the middle and start groaning, not knowing what to do because both sides seems satisfactory."
"I doubt Jesus can save me. I doubt He can help me."
"It's hard to see what you can't see, feel, or touch esp. believe in what you can't see."
"Gotta learn to accept failures and stop perfecting it. Never possible. Days just move forward and not back."
"I have a low self-esteem because I can't do better. People are better than me and I envy them."
"Every day is just another day to wait until it passes by....Can't wait 'til it becomes year 2109..."
"In desperation, we can do things unimaginable..."
"When nothing sophisticated to do or too lonely to live, my mind runs havoc."