Sunday, April 26, 2009

Re: What Do I Want?

IDK, a chat code for "I don't know." I, honestly, don't know what I want.

When I want something, then I don't want it anymore when the opportunity is near for me to have that want. I have a lot of wants but I'm not sure if I really want it. So, I don't know.

DOCTOR: When I was growing up, I "wanted to be a doctor." I don't want that anymore nor do I even want to work in the hospital. Just don't let me be there.

MISSIONARY: Then came one day that I rushed to my parents room and declared, "I think I want to be a missionary." Hmm. I still like the idea, but is it really for me? I enjoy outreaches, traveling to new places uncommon to many, seeing people in need of God's Love. But I have a hard time interacting with people.

MUSICIAN: I wanted to be part of an orchestra or a symphony. If not, work with the known artists. Maybe Stephen Curtis Chapman, Paul Baloche. Study in Julliard!! (Oh wow!!) But I was utterly convinced of becoming a professional musician-composer that I wanted to share the whole world about the songs (all about God) I wrote. But "wanting to be famous around the world?" Sounds not godly. So, I am just laying low these talents that I have because "music is my life". That..I "broke the nail", just "God is my life." Because I am a frustrated musician & playing music makes me look deep to myself mostly and thinking how much I loved music, that I am cutting it off from me. I still don't know much how to use these talents without compromising. Better to just sing for God. It's easier because it's not me who's making me sing, God's making me sing.

RICH: Ha! Many want that. To be rich. But know why I wanted to be rich? When I was wee-younger, very little, everytime I see a child-beggar, handicapped, and an old lady w/ osteoporosis, w/ cane, having difficulty pulling the grocery cart (I just saw one today and remembered how I wanted to be rich (Also why I wrote this.). I couldn't stand seeing her struggle but I also could not stand myself because I don't know what to do or how to help w/o the feeling of a fool not knowing how to deal such matter.). As young as 3 or 4yo, everytime I saw those people, I would say to myself, "Old lady or child, when I grow up, I want to be rich, very rich that I can help you." Even as a teenager, I have imaginations of owning a large lot and house which I could use it as a place for the children or the aged who have been abandoned. But trouble is, not that I'm not rich (of course, I'm not), I don't know how to deal with them because I can't interact well with them.

COMPUTER WHIZ/MATH WHIZ: I love computers/gadgets. I love math. I'm a nerd & a geek. That's all. I want to know more about computers & how I could make videos/pictures/audio better editing. I want to reach the very top level of math. How I envied Kumon. If only...(lots to say..)

SCHOLAR: Not scholar in school, I meant, a genius (such dream..but I want to learn..say a learner). I always wanted to learn about astronomy, archaeology, all these support the the Bible..I want to learn..join in the scholars. (I still do want to study the Bible though (in-depth).)

PSYCHOLOGY: Hmm. Never thought of myself as a counselor. But this I recently found this year that I can talk to people who were reserved and was able to build trust from them and, finally, allowed them to pour out their baggage. It's interacting people, I know. But how did I ever do that? Nothing else but God did. How can I interact people? God will. Still have that fear. God doesn't.

TEACHER: Now this I couldn't imagine myself. In highschool, I never wanted to be a teacher as much as I never wanted to be a nurse. However, I find teaching fulfilling. Though it's interacting again. I still don't know how I do it but I know God's doing it. Even the first time I held that practicing teaching w/ Ma'am Dean. She was ecstatic about my teaching. She liked it. Then came the title, "Ma'am Dean's look-alike," also because of my hair and glasses and walk? What are they talking about? (I meant those who kept on calling me Ma'am Dean.)

ACCOUNTANCY: "Pass or fail, I will take accountancy." Such strong-willed plan. But what happened? "Uhm..Accountancy?? Uhm..I don't know if I'm for it..." I want then I don't. Still is me.

FILM INDUSTRY/DIRECTOR/ACTOR: Haha!! Ya. I once thought of wanting to be an actress or even a dancer. I also wanted to direct a film. Work with the big industries abroad. Work with well-known actors. Jackie Chan. Nicole Kidman. Julie Andrews. Hehe..

But what do I want? Many dreams and wishes. Many choices. Lots of potentials, skills, capabilities. Lots and lots of choices. And I don't know which do I really want. What do I want to become? What's for me? Hmm??

Taking away the dreamy wants. These are left. Mission/pastor/shepherding (the latter is scary but really synonymous from the others)? Psychology/counselor(?)? Teacher(another (?))? Home for the aged (What am I going to do there?)? Orphanage (I don't like kids, but wha?)? (All interacting?)

But actually..These are the special gifts God has given me apart from all the unique gifts he has made me. Special because I don't know where they come from if God's not real. Special because I never thought myself to be. Special because it focuses not on my capabilities but on my availability which reminds me that there is nothing I can do apart from God. Special because it has become a character.

Still poses as a big question mark (?) WHAT DO I WANT? But I don't think I may want what I want. What does God wants? What should I be? (No, no, nurse!!!!!! NEVER!!! Please not a nurse!!!!!!)

Friday, April 10, 2009

A Light In Every Tunnel (A Testimony)

(Life has its own tunnels. Tunnels are dark. However, tunnels also have its entrances and exits. When you enter one, how sure can you get out? I, for one, entered a tunnel. I almost gave up walking and finding my way out from that long treacherous tunnel. With grace, I was able to find my out because I found the Light. Now, whenever I enter another tunnel, I make sure to find the LIGHT.)


I thank God for the blessings he has given me. For the Love he has shown me. For the glory he has me possessed. For the treasure he has shared.

Before, I was a lost lamb. So lost I didn’t know what love was, what friends meant. What it meant to live together with people. I had nowhere to turn to. I knew there was God, but knowing and believing in Him worth everything? I tried everything to be near to God. I called for Him. I begged. I cried. I served. No matter how long I prayed or how long I stayed in the presence of God, there would always be times I felt I was alone. I knew God was everywhere. I knew he could hear my every word spoken by my mouth. There were most times I felt safe with Him. Times I enjoyed and thanked Him for. I thanked God that I was part of His kingdom, that He revealed to me His promise, that He accepted me as His child. I did all I could think of for God: I offered my talents to Him, my life, my future. Yet where did my future lead me to? To a major I never liked. To a life I never wished to have. To where my potential had not reached its peak.

I rebelled against God. I took the things I gave up for Him. I held on to my future, my life, and my potentials. I did all in my own effort. I regretted I took that major. I regretted I lay behind my skills. I neglected my capabilities. I was frustrated that I didn’t become who I wanted to be, unable to make a name for myself, unable to make the most use of my skills and yet had it become as just a hobby.

I tried to journey back. Back to the passionate one. One who had her passions, dreams, and life on music, on computers, on Math, on making a name, being acknowledged. I was desperate to fulfil my dreams, my wishes, my wants. I didn’t want my shattered dreams to be fully shattered by my present state in college. I tried to gain my all by trying to live this past to the future, by being impatient of wanting to end this nightmare soon.

Yet, I became weary and tired. All those nights working my countless assignments and duty the next day, cramming to catch up my studies for the exams, plus the anxiety these brought me and the regret I took such course. Spiritually, I became bare. The fire stopped burning. Emotionally, I was shattered. I was lonely. I felt miserable. I wanted to die. What life can this bring me when my life had already died away when I entered this stage of life?

I cried God for help. Almost every night, I begged for Him to help me, send someone, anyone to help me. I cried to God, “Enough! It’s too much. I’ve had it.” I was so lonely. I wished to embrace God just to keep away the pain. I called for His company, for His presence. When finally I could no longer take the insult, the pain, the suffering, I yelled at God. I blamed Him for leading me to this life. I made a fist at Him.

After that night, I regretted what I did, but my pride crept in on me. I still hated my life. Every night, I looked up at the sky: no stars but one big full moon staring blankly at me, “God, I yelled at you. I’m sorry, but I’m still turning my back on you. You, the Truth, are hard to turn away to the Lie, but I still hurt. I’m sorry.”


That’s not the end yet.

God was just beginning His work in me and I hadn’t noticed that because I was so full of my self. When I had let go of Him, I didn’t know I also let go of my self. Being all fed up with life, I let go. Come what may. Yet, I was still desperate. I wanted God back but I was afraid.

One day, God allowed me to think deeply about Him and me until I got tired from too much thinking. I was working on something and still, I was able to think. I wanted to share something to someone before I make that one decision which I tried to escape: learning about God and His open arms.

God was trying to make me the person He wanted me to become, but He could not do that when I was so inflated about me. God knew when was the best time He could teach me. He knew all along what He wanted from me. He wanted me to let go and to mind Him and not me. God answered my prayer for help when I wasn’t expecting it anymore. He brought His peace. He showed His love. He tried to teach me that He is God and Master of my life. He taught me it was not just me in this world, that there were other people as well. He showed me His family, His flock, His kingdom. He brought me His family telling me that I belonged to them just as I belonged to God. He made His family so I could no longer be lonely and that I had Him and His family to turn to. God made me flesh so I could be with flesh. He made me part of His family so I could be His family. God taught me love. He conveyed His love to others to love me. God never gave up His family and He never gives up on me.

I may still dislike my course, but I try, with God’s Love, to take the course again and pass it even when I still hurt a lot because of the struggles it brings.

P.S. I had given up my music which was my dream, my passion, my life because it was taking the place which was supposed to be for God. God is my Dream, my Passion, and my Life.

May this testimony and promise be forever be printed in me, also to anyone, and not replaced.