Saturday, August 15, 2009

To My Inner Child (who made a part of me)

I wish I could save you. I wish I could understand you. Don't hide from me. Don't be afraid. Come back out of that little hiding place of yours. I promise I would try not to harm you again. If I break my promise, don't be sad. I would try to make up with you. I'm sorry for hurting you all these years. I want to take care of you, to love you. The world is not good as it seems, but let's live together through.

Don't say people hate you. People love you from the day they first saw your wee little body. They have dreams of how you're growing up. Dreams of how they are going to nurture you. Yes, the world is not what they seem planned. They may have hurt you, blamed you, and stopped you from crying and sharing your thoughts. Stand up, don't hide in that corner. I can still see you. Let me know your feelings. Let me know when you're hurting. Let us both carry you through.

I know people can be so mean. You even learn to defend yourself. That doesn't mean you're unlovable. There are still so many people who love you. I love you. Don't be scared. Don't run away from me. I need you. I can't be whole without you. I know that hurt can be your comfort, but I wish someday you find the most beautiful thing there is that can separate you from love and hate. Hate is not true. Love is.

My preciouse little one, hang on to people who love you. Hang on to their words of wisdom. They may not know you fully but they love you. And I also wish that someday you would be able to learn how to play and have fun once more.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Scared. Scarred. Scarce.

Three words. One source. SCAR. A scar is formed when a skin is bruised. When we we're kids, we get SCARED. A wounded heart gets SCARRED when our sorrows overwhelm us. We fear of no one to turn to, no bandage for cover, no place to hide, in turn, SCARCITY of the soul threatens us and SCARCITY reveals our limits.

I am scared of who I am. I'm scared, most times, to be true or honest. I hide, even to the depths where no one knows I exist. I wear the mask of obscurity, of dishonesty. Who am I lying but myself.

When all things have turned into baggages, I search and find ways/times that I could express and be real with myself and with the world. I find the internet. I keep a blog where I can fully express myself, good or bad times. I keep another vlog (youtube) which I can use when I view videos that relate well with me and comment those videos without restrictions. I am free...but only for a time and always not enough.

I am scared to be true no matter how much I want to be. I am scared because I fear nobody likes the real me. I am lost and still seeking a time that I can real. I have thought of going to places where people living there do not know me. Finding a place where I can start over because I find this place corrupt already and I have bad memories of it.

I live in my fantasy, in my own world. Most times, I want to learn new things out on the open, the real world. But I always stumble to the wrong side of the world, I would then end up in my own imagined reality.

Where am I? What am I doing here? Am I just imagined or another reality gone lost?

This scar of confusion has lost me. Yet I still want to be real but I'm scared because I am confused of what is real.

I am 21 but not. My brother is more mature, emotionally, than I am. Decision making, it overwhelms me. Responsibilities, it pressures me. Relatedness, in relation to people, it bothers me.

Let me just say, "It is the world that is always turning around and not me." (I know you'd disagree but let it be.)

I Want To Be True

I want to be true to myself. I don't want to lie my self anymore. If I smile, even in feelings of sadness, I hate myself because the outer shell is not me. I hate myself that I can't express my feelings truthfully. But should I even just banish or invalidate the negative emotions? That's hell. I just want to be true. If only I could openly express myself. I don't want to lie.

Right now, I am feeling erratic (well, I am always erratic), dysphoric specifically. I want to air out my thoughts (destructive or not) to my Facebook/Multiply/IM accounts, letting my friends know what and how much I am feeling right now. But then, I'm not allowed to do it. How come others are and I don't? Nobody's stopping them and yet, people are more concerned about them.

I have few friends and no one even seems to care. Of course, because nobody understands me. What if I start opening up every thought I have, would they start to know me? Would they even care? Many want to add me to their accounts, but I don't know them. I only know them by name but not really them. If I have accepted their invites, then I could have over 200 contacts right now, but I don't know them. They are just acquaintances and not really friends. What is it with me that I choose friends? All because I am careful with who my friends are and just friends whom I really call friends.

Another thing, should I banish my true self, the real person, for the fake one? The fake person is the acting-out person I have been for so long, before depression has kicked me in. Until I found my real person who is desperately trying to take the place of the fake. The fake person is me acting-out like an adult, a responsible, normal-like adult. Oh, such a person is living a lonely imaginable life. I don't want that person anymore. I hate her. To me being an adult is like my fake person. I don't want to grow up just like her.

I know that is not true about living a lonely life according to the life of the real adults I have seen. But it's true to me, for that is the life I once have lived.

My real person is the inner child who desperately wants to take over. Wants to be heard. Wants to be listened and nurtured until she becomes completely adult, and a real one for sure. But seems again, she's rejected. And now, she's hiding from the pain and would rather let the fake person, who's more mature, take over.

I hate that. I just want to be accepted no matter how old I am and how old I'm truly acting because that is the true me.

My feelings are real but why is it that they are rejected and unacceptable? Seems I myself am unacceptable. What words could describe a person like me but a BPD.

Crap! I hate it when I am ineligible to be just me. All because I am not welcome into this world. This world full of stupid normal people who don't seem to care people like me. So what if I am a special child? There's no word for special adult, because no matter how old they are, they are still called special children. And I am still a child. So what? I'm a child disinherited from the face of this world AGAIN, invalidated, wrecked, shattered, removed, abandoned. Would you allow a child to walk the cold streets at night and beg for some needs? Yes, you have, and don't disagree for I am that child. We are children sheltered from orphanage to orphanage until people are exhausted about us.

Who are we that we call ourselves children though not? We are underdeveloped emotionally and psychologically. Diane Roberts Stoler, Ed.D. says the symptoms for BPD are similarly related to infancy. “Clingy behavior, problems with setting limits and boundaries, acting out, feelings of loathing and emptiness, developmentally arrested at age 2; therefore, behavior is similar to that of a 2-year-old with temper tantrums and seeing the world as black and white,” she says.

Better for the real 2-year-olds than a 21-year-old. People love babies, but adults who act like babies, they discriminate. We are fixated 2-year-olds and PLEASE have great patience on us. Allow us to grow up. Help us. Don't banish us from this universe. We just want some love. We will, in turn, grow up if you just allow us. Don't force us; that's not helpful. You're just destroying us even more.

But right now, it seems I have to force myself to live that fake person to ACT ADULT to please my carer. IT'S SICKENING. I feel rejected and removed. I never wanted that fake person. I never again want to live that life. But...they don't understand. HATE IT. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE IT!!!

But I want to be who I truly am. How can I learn the things a real child has while growing up when I am forced to become an adult immediately? I want to learn new things while in my real person for this way, it's simpler than being the fake person. But it seems I am not allowed to learn these things for I am not allowed to be the real me. :(

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I Know But I Don't

I know. I just don't want to listen from you anymore.

I know I may be impractical. By knowledge, I know. By understanding, I don't.

I know I should grow up because I am 21. I know I should act mature. I know I should learn to live independently. I know I should learn to take and accept responsibilities. I know I should be rational, practical, and radical. I know I am alive. I know I am human.

But what do I understand? I can't be 21. It's hard to act my age. I am still learning and I need someone to help me even when I learn it wrongly. I still need someone to wake me up from my delusions. It's hard to be rational when I am emotional. It's hard to think objectively when I am still learning to accept and express my emotions. It's hard to go full speed like a snap to be mature when I am still learning new things. It's hard to be 21 when I am still emotionally unstable, emotionally dependent, and emotionally younger than 21. It's hard to take responsibilities because I fear of falling down and no one to pick me up on the way. I am losing my self when I am unsure, overwhelmed, or confused of the things or happenings around me. (Allow me to grow up even if it may take a very very long while. Be patient with me. You are but seems you don't.)

I know I should but I understand I am. I know I should but I don't understand why should I. I don't understand the knowlegde I have gotten.

However, whatever I gain knowledge from you, I still don't understand and I no longer wish to listen from you anymore because you have not made me understand. You just throw words at me to force me to understand. You have known me but you have not really understood me. Then, we're even.

I am letting you go free, even if it hurts me. Besides, you also do have a life and I'm letting you have it your way. And I'll go the other way then. I'll be alone once again. Who cares? You have your own life, I have mine. It is just you have a good life and I don't. I have a life that is unknown.

(Have you really accepted me of who I am? Or just trying to accept that you're trapped with me?)

Sorry to be thinking this way but the thoughts have comforted me in some way. Letting you go is like escaping from the pain. Heard about, "I Hate You Don't Leave Me"? Hah! I'm not going to do that again. I'd just let you go because I don't want to feel the pain. Just go. Don't come back. I don't need you anymore, though I still feel I need you but feelings can be a lie, right, like you said? I don't need you. Leave me be. You have detached from me first, just as you said yesterday. Though being the second to detach as well, I'd remove you out of the picture for good.

And thank you for the year you have nurtured and taught me. Think you taught me well? Some things, yes. But this? I don't know. I'm not sure. Why don't you rate?

(We have not talked about broken relationships because you seem not interested - for she was your friend and I was talking about her - so I never opened up about it again.)

Out of Touch

Feeling out of touch? Out of senses? Or just plain delusional?

When I am trying to learn to be a human is also when I am being abandoned or feeling like I am UNWELCOME to even try to learn to be a human.

I am feeling deep inside that I want to hate her, discredit her. I don't know how else to react when a promise is broken.

She promised we would have our counselling sessions once a month until September. I was already preparing myself for that last session. However, the promise was broken. It's like our sessions had stopped earlier than promised. I was not ready for that. Even though there were times I wanted no more of our sessions but I just hanged on until the end. Those times were when I was feeling down and lost that I didn't want to talk about; however, I should learn to talk about my worries, needs, and concerns. But right now, I felt like I didn't wish to even bother talking to her anymore, though she still said she's still here to listen.

I am feeling out of touch. Sometimes, I would feel like just accept the truth that our sessions are gone already. But hey, I don't know. I still feel like I want those last two sessions. She says we talk from time to time, even checking up on me like yesterday, but that's informal. I mean I don't know. There are really a lot of things bothering me. I have talked to God about it. But now, I am confused of "COME TO ME ALL THOSE WHO ARE WEARY" and "BEAR EACH OTHER'S BURDENS".

Years before, after my first counsellor left me, I had relied on God alone and no one else. When my present counsellor came, I thought that "bearing each other's burden" should also take part with relying on God.

I'm confused. Or is it really easy to just accept what's happening and do nothing? Could somebody just trace me back to what's real or what I am supposed to do?

I know I fear reality but sometimes my body wants to feel alive. I want to feel alive.

I am just recently learning physical touch and being close with people. And I am learning it with my counsellor. But when I think our sessions are over, seems like I no longer have the opportunity to further my learning again. Almost similar with my first counsellor when I wished to learn friendships with her but was shortened because she just disappeared from her commitment.

I fear broken and faded relationships. Though Achi have not really abandoned me, but I feel still removed.

I am only using this blog to express myself because I can't express honestly anymore with Achi.

A borderline or not. 21 or not. Alive or not. I'm still a lamb removed from my carer's presence.

And what should I be doing in God's presence according to this messy picture?

Could someone help me out?