Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Journal for June 29 (Sixteenth Day Away From Mankind)

A brief background of the title. For 16 days (and counting), I haven't seen my friends or been in church. Last week, I was supposed to be having a mission trip to Thailand but I was forced not to join the trip anymore because I had Rubella that I might infect others. Therefore, my 18th day from the first appearance of my rashes. 12th day my rashes disappeared. But 16 days without seeing people other than my housemates, this was too much already.
(Posted on June 30 - Journal for June 29 - Sixteenth Day Away From Mankind)

They're back from Thailand and I was not able to meet them at the airport. But that's not what I was writing about.
More than 2 weeks I had not met my friends. My friends in church were the only friends I had and I felt like "shut out" from mankind already. I lost everything when I was rejected (this was the first time I said the word since I got left behind from the trip) to join for Thailand. I lost my confidence, dignity, and esteem - ashamed to even go back to church or even make appearance to my friends.
I had resolved from my attach-detach habit (when I felt I was starting to get attached with people, I pull out myself until I felt very lonely again, I spent time with people again, and so on...) I was then able to form relationships deeper than I had before. However, now that I lost everything, I had to think that I needed to build those relationships lost again and it was always so hard for me. I got detached again, not by choice but by being "shut out".
Before, I had few or no confidence and esteem. I was always scared to be with people. I was not a people-person. Scared to even make attachments because I had a history and I was hurt, felt rejected. Took me months (...again, months or even a year) to be able to recently build self-confidence and self-esteem, and finally, attachments.
Now, if I get rejected one more time, even for whatever event from church; then what reason do I have to live outside?
These two weeks, all I had was the cyberworld and few moments with family (well, at least). I had contact with friends, but it was not the same as physical or real contact. If I fail or don't get invited (or might as well be invited out) for communication/encounter/real contact or to even spend time with my friends, then could it be better for me to be just a cyberperson, who no longer exists but still wishes to help people, available only in cyberspace?
Right now, I am feeling like I don't exist. I want to go out but I don't feel like it. Feeling again to be nonexistent, just a mere breeze that passes by. GOOD AS DEAD...... I think I know why - because I have no physical contact for so long already. No touch.
These days, I had been imagining like when I met the trippers at the airport, I would want to hug all of them because I missed them so much. That was what I wanted to do - if I met them.
The first time I felt alive was because of touch. I was so down and quiet, but the touch from my faithful counselor-mentor. Even though it was a little gesture, it was already SO BIG I felt alive. When God touched my heart, I felt important and loved.
God designed us to be together (TO-GET-HER = grab someone) so God can show His love to us through others. God made His love real to me. Though it was sweet, and would stop me from my tracks, to hear the words, "GOD LOVES YOU," from another person, it was hard to comprehend what it meant other than God sent His Son to die for me, to save me, to give me eternal life. God made His love real through the people He sends.
I asked for a help for so long until God answered it with a BONUS. He showed His love to me. Now, I ask help on what to do that I lost a lot. I never want to lose my friends, not even those who meant a lot to me...they all mean a lot to me.
God help me.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Sleeping In Sadness

Oh, look it's 3 in the morning.

There are nights that are not always meant for sleeping. Night shifts, 24/7 convenience stores, working overtimes, etc. There are also nights which I call, sadness or misery.

I would rather not sleep in such a state. It's crooked, downgrading rest. Nights are mostly meant for rest, but sleeping in sadness is like sleeping on nails with a big boulder above your head.

Cheer up! are two words to uplift a sad person. But how can sleeping in solitude and sadness cheer one up? Waking up long at night can be tiring but would it be worth enough to find ways to cheer oneself up?

If there's the internet, surfing it can be fun but most times boring especially when the internet has become part of your world. Reading books can divert imagery but books only that don't require too much thinking. Sing or listen to a song would be something but at that emotional state, one might rather listen to slow tempo or a ballad or even be tempted to listen to the most depressing songs than rock-and-roll. Movies can be good "downer's drainer". Find good movies like maybe comedy, drama, kiddie, etc, better not some chaotic movie.

Escaping sadness is impossible but can be a habit. A person who hates ignorance (like me) is very much ignorant about these things. Don't know if trying to drain those sorrows by escaping or running away from it is even permissible. It can be beneficial for a time but it always is going to catch back at you.

Don't take my word. I'm only writing here.