The Inner Turmoil In Me

I seek for LOVE.
I seek for CARE.
I seek for ATTENTION when it's not there.
But the more I seek them,
the more I don't want 'em.
I only know I have them
is when I don't expect for them.
But really, here's the paradox:
I don't want LOVE.
I don't want CARE.
I don't want ATTENTION when it is there.

(That's a subjective part of me.
The objective?
If you've read my past profile updates,
then those were my objective part of me.
If not, then halfly you don't know me.)

I need your LOVE.
I need your CARE.
I need your ATTENTION to know who I am.
But your LOVE, you have not given.
Your CARE, you have not shown.
Your ATTENTION easily fades away.
So, I don't want your LOVE
nor do I want your CARE.
Your ATTENTION, I don't want,
for you forget me.

It hurts to be neglected.
Hurts when "left behind",
"left out", "unwanted", "unheard".
Pains when I show my self
and you never notice.
If not, you lend your apathy on me
like I don't deserve to be known.

Will I just be forever quiet,
mysterious and unsought
for who I am, remain dormant,
and just be a NOBODY?

The Truth has set me free (My testimony on salvation and baptism)

I had been doubting my salvation for I had not experience a tremendous change like those who shared a very wonderful testimony. They said, after they received Jesus into their life and had given their life in exchange for Jesus, their lives changed: They no longer did the bad things they had done before they had accepted Christ's salvation. They also had a "salvation birthday". As for me, I could never remember when I accepted Christ, but I did know that I was growing in Christ. I asked for Jesus when I was 10 years old, but really could not remember a change in me. When I was 15, I allowed God to take over me and that I would no longer "go against" Him or hate Him. I repented that I had hated God then for 4 months, acting like I was an athiest, hating God, wishing to kill anyone, hating everyone I know. God opened my eyes that what I had been doing was wrong by striking me with a sickness (super overfatigue) after I played songs that were supposed to praise Him, but I took that opportunity (piano-part) as a way of showing my self to everyone that I was a good pianist. And I was with so much pride, so He struck me sick. When I was 17 years old, during camping, I willingly committed my life for God's mission for me. By then, I became active in church with full willingness to serve God.

I was so in fury for God; but when pains, troubles, doubts came, I felt unright before God. I was even convinced that I was not saved for I had not experienced a tremendous change and could not even remember much of the experience except the ones mentioned above.

However, I thought that if ever I was not God's own, how could I ever have thanked God before and many times that I was His own, that he saved me, that I was His child, and for the experiences that I had with Him? And when I tried to break the promise that I made before that I would never again "turn away" from God or hating God that I was in this pain, I thought if I would turn from God, I would also have turned away from the Truth, the knowledge that God had vested on me. And if I turn away from the Truth and turn to the Lie, then my life would utterly be meaningless, without direction. Everything that I had known would be useless. What if God was really real? Then I would have made a fool of myself. And what of my experiences? I experienced God a lot of times. What if they were only emotions? Would I believe in God just because I felt good when I was with Him and learning a lot from Him? Therefore, I was assured that my salvation is true and sealed that I was God's own and will always be.

Another doubt that came to me was my baptism. Many times I felt so awkward answering people that I was baptized whenever they asked me. Also, many times I was assured I was baptized. However, the doubt came to me again when I was again asked if I was baptized. This really troubled me a lot.

I grew up in a family who attends a church, which had the sacrament of baptism and confirmation, but this church was not a catholic church though they did practice those sacraments. For so long I thought I was baptized, also thinking that my confirmation was also baptism with water (sprinkling). Therefore, I really thought that I was baptized and even took part in the bread and wine with fellow baptized Christians. However, because I often felt awkard about my baptism, doubted about it, and also thought about those who also experienced baby baptism and confirmation had baptized again in the Truth and the knowledge of the Truth, I sought for the truth of my past: I found a copy about the practices of my family's old church and read it. I also found out that the church had similarities with the catholic church based on my teaching in my college because that school was jesuit. Because I then doubted whether there was sprinkling happened, I asked my parents how did my confirmation go. Was there sprinkling of water involved? The answer was no. There was no sprinkling involved, but just laying of hands. So, there it was, my memory deceived me.

If I would just keep this newfound truth of my past and besides many people had already thought that I was baptized, then I would also be deceiving them. I was already deceived by my past, will I deceive God's people also when God had already shown me the truth? God showed me the truth then why could I not show His people also?

I felt bad. I had granted shame on myself already: telling people I was baptized, taking part with bread and wine, serving in the ministry acting like I was already baptized. Even though this mistake would be a big turn-off on my part, I should accept it and share the truth. Even when I was only a victim of my past, still I made the mistake.

I thank God he showed me the truth. I may feel bad, still I thank Him for showing me so I would also not commit more mistakes.

Thank you, God for your awesome power and love in me.

Being alone gives space to grow????

Hah!
I've been alone for soooooooo long. I still have not grown.

I am 20, but still feels like 15 who wishes to be 6.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh---I don't know anymore....


I don't know.


i dnt kno


i dunno






know no more......







I don't want to grow up. Grow old? Fine with me. But grow up? Change is hard. Change is painful.

People say i've changed. But the more I've known I've changed, people are now the ones drifting far from me when I was the one drifting from them before when people were trying to get through me.

So what is it with change? how should I change for the better that the scale should be balanced and never outweigh or underweigh anything?


Am I getting "loud" enough already? What's wrong with my change? Am I too much in showing myself to everyone who I really am? I don't want to keep to myself who I am for if I do, I rather not exist.
But when I start and keep showing myself, people drift away from me. WHAT IS IT WITH ME THAT PEOPLE SHOUD BECOME SO INDIFFERNT AFOUND ME?


Or am I just imagining myself that people are doing the things that I think they're doing? I don't know because it's really just what I feel when I am with them.

See! I really rather have no mind, so I would stop thinking and feeling.

If not, amnesia. so i would forget the people i've known and forget the past and everything the past brings.


I am an escapist....
I escape because I don't want to hurt nor be hurt, times are painful. Also, I escape to lessen the troubles and mishaps.



>What can God do to me, but teach me a lesson. Make me whole.
But I don't feel whole myself, I fell I am really breking to pieces.
>But God first break me so he can remake me.
Why should these be painful?
>So he can comfort me.
Where is God? Because I could not take these things anymore like nursing.
I mean, why nursing?
I am not a "chatty person" like those nursing people. I am not a "people person". I only do my "duties" for performance's sake. I mean, I really don't want to do I've been doing in nursing. Such stress. Destroys my health a lot. Pains my life, additionally. Way different from my personality.


AHHHHH! I'm just being overwhelmed with a lot situatioons in different areas in my life and I don't know to deal with them nor can I really cope with them for a very long time. How long should I face them?
>As long as I learn my lesson..................






......



too much!!!


too much is never enough?




....


@#&%!!!


...

Am I fine? Am I ok? No, am not. Oh! I just wish I was somewhere else, someone else.

If only I don't have a brain, so I would not have trouble too much thinking and no longer being able to feel.
I don't want anymore of everything.
I am getting crazy. So what!
I wish I don't have to have the trouble of everything.
Why should I think?
Why should I need people?
Why should I need me?
Why should I have to face everyday of every day?
I am losing myself. So?
I just could not stand being NOT able to *whatever* what I am having now.
"Intimacy vs Isolation" Ahhhh!
I have had it with psych. I don't believe what those psych people theorize. Just a theory and never a fact. I have had it with nursing. Why do I have to pass? I know it's easy to fail. But I rather fail by my own effort/inteligence.
Why should I suffer in this filthy bedroom when it's not a room at all? Really messy and dusty with no glass windows on. I have to suffer another year without glass windows. I have to suffer my health when the air/breeze/atmosphere is polluted.
So what if I air out my complains and my bad feelings. So what!

so what...

hai..

living...



worthless money...


pitiful days...




wandering times...






unwholly family....





idly alone...





"Anything I can help?"
Duh! Nobody wants my help when I want to help. Seems like people don't hear me asking, offering my help. So! I guess, I'd just be idly alone........................................





@&%#!!!
...


......

What of it? Just an insight.

"Christians" critic other "Christians".

What is it with these people? All of us Christians are brothers and saints of the Living Lord. Why do we critic our saintly brothers when we have the same basis of manual, the Bible? These people criticize themselves according to what others do and act and understand the Christian way of life. I get confused whether to believe them or the other. Real and upright Christians are called to unite, not to fight against another. We know there are those who call themselves Christians, but are really not for they do not live the words of God. They are only Sunday christians or part-time christians, which, of course, not a Christian at all.

I know that Christianity is not a religion, but the world has misinterpreted that Christianity is a sect and like other religions. This is the reason why few people find Christ for the world made such cliches on God's understanding of Christianity. Being Christian is not only a title but also a name of a commitment that we have taken that we are called as adopted children of God. Christianity is not a religion; it is a relationship that we have taken to get to know the real God, the God of the Bible. A relationship that we should not break or else we forever be condemned.

People of God, I may be young, but I am still part of God's family. Understand one another and work with each other to bring the lost back to God and that is our mission (not to critic what others do unless they have gone beyond the Bible says, then you may rebuke them, judge them right according to God's Word). I no longer know which of you are right and wrong. Thus I would just keep to myself what I believe for I may also be right or wrong, but I know this: God is working in me as He is in you. Love one another and bear the burdens of each one of you.

I also have trouble understanding that you also think that the way you reach people is the right one when the other say there's is the right one. Here's what I know: all of us have there own way of reaching people but not one way can actually touch the hearts of these people. The world is vast and all experience differently. All of us are different; therefore, not all you reach can work with just one way of reaching the people. Ways like: bullhorn preaching, giving tracts from house to house, sharing testimonies, friendship evangelism, convict people with the disobedience of the ten commandments, convict people that God is love, convict people with the "end times" and the "judgment", convict people against evolution, and many more mays to reach people. One of these ways cannot always reach everyone of the people in these world. So, reaching would be better if we all learn the many ways of reaching to people. We just don't know that one of these is effective to someone and another to anyone. At least, we have planted a seed to that person's heart. If the person just really have a hard heart that we cannot plant on, his judgment is upon God. We have not failed, but he failed God; so, he may be forever condemned.

So you see, not one is better for everyone. Work with one another, but be careful with those who wear the mask of deception.

"Dis-Claimer"

How should I ever be confused? - Notes from May 11 07

Being a Christian may not be easy. There are skips and turns, ups and downs. Never be assured that once a Christian, life is a "piece of cake".

Here is what I wrote last May 11, 2007:

How can I be a witness of Christ when I am uncertain of myself?
How can I be an ambassador of Christ when I am not right with Him?
How can use a present experience of loneliness or difficulty to witness Christ?
I would feel like a hypocrite if I represent myself as God's child when I myself am not right with God.
How can I be forgiving and loveing? I don't know.
How do I know I have not forgiven? Have forgiven? Is it because I dislike being with the people that I ever thought I have forgiven them?
How can I be true to myself when out-house and in-house I am different in both? Which am I? Which of me is true and false?
I have been told I am arrogant and conceited. How and why? Am I really? Should I go back to my being inferior all the time when I am trying to gain myself superioirity? I no longer know how to go back as I was before. Besides, inferiority hurts because being inferior means always being left out, knows new things late, ignored much, feeling less important, inexistent, always feeling abused and tortured emotionally, always taken aback or taken advantage of.