Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Don't have it? Can't have it?

Don't complain because you don't have this or that. Be thankful because you have what others would envy you for, and some would feel hurt or heartbroken because they can't have it even though they can grab it at their own reach but...really, can't have it.

Like a child who wants a lollipop but cannot have it because he has diabetes.
Like a teen who wants to go out with friends but has to stay in the hospital because of cancer.
Like an athlete who wants to run as fast as he can but became paralyzed.
Like an old lady who wishes for companionship but has grown old without family and friends.

Give what you have and what you can to those who need it more.

Personally, I yearn for unconditional friendship. A friendship where I can have time and attention and hugs. But, I am deprived of hugs, ever since I was still younger. I am thought to be "clingy" and overly dependent, and even thought to have "gay tendencies".
All I want is a hug but I am in trouble for it.
Every time I see people and friends hugging, I feel a nail piercing my heart. I just wish for them to stop hugging in my midst. I don't want to see them hugging while I can't have it.
Specially want a hug from someone who has taught me and cared for me (my mentor/counselor/teacher/Big Sister), but she can't give me because she has thought it best as "healthy distance".

I may have gotten hugs from random people, but it is different when it is someone close to you.

Today is a churchmate's birthday. She is a year younger than me. I worry that my Big Sister would hug her a Happy Birthday. That would really hurt me. When I had my brithday, she greeted me on YM only.
My envy and jealousy is unacceptable. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It just comes to me.

Some times, I try to hug or give a hug. But because I don't have much practice and, maybe, experience with it, I am not comfortable.

Some times, I wish that there is no such thing as relationships or, better yet, hugs.
Nonetheless, I can only fantasize of hugs.

In my prayers, I could just say, "God, I can't hug you, I can't touch you nor can I feel you hugging and holding me against your bosom. I've been taught that you provide our needs but how can you hug me? But God, touch my heart. Touch my heart like you have touched me before, like the first time I came to know you. You are my Father. You are my Teacher. You are my Therapist. You are my Friend. Touch my heart and just fill me with Your Love and Comfort, Your Presence, and Your unfailing Majesty. You have revealed Yourself to me in many ways, and that I thank You."

video
After I wrote this journal entry, I saw this. Honestly, it is so hard to see or to fill in to others' shoes when you are one of them. Though hurting myself, I honestly try to give what I can to those who need it too. I am not perfect but God is perfect and we are told to be like Jesus Christ without exceptions. It is also my prayer that God would teach me, guide me, and lead me to become a person who is from Christ and of Christ and one who lives in Christ.
May weaknesses become strengths in all of us. Amen.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

One of those days...May3'11

Running a race alone and struggling to catch up is hard. But praise God that He brings anyone to run with, making a very hard thing into an easy one.

Witholding an act of thankfulness is so hard and painful, especially when it is wanting to hug someone you're so thankful of, but knowing that I can't hug and afraid to ask to hug because the answer may be a No.

The heaviness of the pain and brokenness became small when the days aren't idle (but now I worry that I don't worry).