Sunday, August 22, 2010

Dear God (Aug 22, 2010)

Dear God,

I don't know how you've engineered me. I don't know your plans. I have heard I shouldn't be aware of myself but be aware more about you.

I don't know you. I don't always get to hear from you or feel a touch from you. I have read your Word and could remember where a verse is placed. I could recite and decipher, but I fail to incorporate verses when faced with troubles. I don't know or I may have forgotten how to be intimate with you.

I have been told that you could never allow something to happen to me if I don't really like it. However, I doubt that because how come I am still haunted by it again and again? How come I'm still facing that something which I really hate?

Now, I am actually doing videos with payment. However, I seem like I want out from it. Maybe because of the feeling of pressure which I don't like. Am I not to avoid some things that is overwhelming me? How come I am always faced and couldn't stay away from the things that overwhelms me?

God, it's too much. Whenever I am overwhelmed, my mind narrows. I couldn't widen it so I could think or focus on you and your Word. My mind narrows that it could only focus forward on the overwhelming situation. I try looking back thinking maybe I can escape yet all I could see is a long dark tunnel.

Things that overwhelm me with pressure and I end up weary:

Nursing/hospital works
People/socialzing and fitting in
Following orders/inability to do them well properly

God, how can I get focused on you when I always forget about you? I distract myself with things that I could easily reach and do. I don't know how to distract with you. Sometimes I wish that I'm taught more about you and your ways, and less of your acts, less of what I am supposed to act like as a Christian.

I couldn't even call myself as a Christian without being ashamed because aside from doctrine and the gospel of your birth and death here on earth to save us from our sins, I still don't understand that. Your Word says you love me. Even from my mother's womb you know my name. You love me that you even let me come to be conscious of you. I can't even turn back from the Truth because you've let me know you are Truth.

God, I'm lost. Save me from everything. From being overwhelmed and from being unable to understand the gospel and your Love no matter how much I know your Word. Save me.

Dear God (Aug 6, 2009)

Dear God, there is not a day you forget me. Not a day you give up on me. Not a day you leave me. These mood swings are part my personality. When I'm up and high, may I be happy enjoying your blessings. When I'm down and low, may I remember your goodness, remember those days you made me feel your presence.

Dear God, I thank you for this smile of mine. The smile can be the worst lie I could make. People may see me so happy because of the smile but nobody can see the person crying deep inside, deep beneath that smile. I still thank you for the smile for even in worst times, I can smile. Others have a hard time to just smile, but a smile shows the meaning of my name and the treasure you set me. A smile can make things light. Yet a smile is all I can offer to this weary heart.

Dear God, there are just a lot of down times I don't understand. Downs I am not sure of. Downs I can't talk about. Downs I can't describe.

Dear God, I know, you know more than I do. And I thank you.

Dear God, the days don't stop, don't rewind, don't (thank goodness!) fast forward. But what more can I ask for, what more I can't wait for, but that day, the time I am ready and you take me home to be with you. It may seem weird to be asking for death but death to me is life.

Dear God, set before me your plans. Set before me your goals. Set me the person you will me be.

Dear God, I don't want to stop thinking of you even in times I feel like giving up and pessimistic. I don't want to be relying on others to fill my needs. Things are temporary out here and you know how fearful I am. Fearful of broken or faded relationships. Fearful of growing up. Fearful to live long. Fearful of almost everything. I still want you more than I want your people. Yet I thank you for the particular persons you have sent me through these years. Some painful, some vanished. Some grateful, some fulfilling. And some, I thank you so much that if only I could measure the universe and scale how much I thank you for that.

Dear God, if only these things last, but I know, there are new things in every new stages in life, and you have new in store for me. 21 or not. I'm just engulfed by you.

Dear God, thank you for letting me have a relationship with you.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Do I have Aspergers? Or this is just another of my delusions?

Your Aspie score: 148 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 52 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
This is a diagram of how I may be an Aspie. I took this quiz from

If I am to go back to my early years, I don't remember anything much. Everything is just a blur. I thought that being able not to remember my past may be because of trauma: separation from mother at an early age, physical beatings, verbal abuse, inconsistent show of love (pain from the spanking and immediate soothing). I was a crybaby as was told. Mother didn't like my crying so she would just pass me around esp. to my Father.

I don't know if I'm close with my Father or not but I know I'm more comfortable with him than my Mother. I can initiate touches with him but not my mother. I always feel awkward when with my mother or going out with her.

Aspergers first came to mind when I read an article that schizoid and aspergers have similar traits. I took the ASQ, I scored 38. Took the EQ, I got 18. I still score high on borderline and schizoid. I didn't think I was an asperger until I started having misunderstanding with my counelor because I was becoming clingy. She said we need healthy distance. Don't know what she meant by healthy distance except I understood it as isolation or my detach-attach cycle. I had that cycle before I met my counselor and referred to a psychiatrist.

And I'm very confused. How come I cannot do the things which she told me to do? It's hard to control my negative thoughts and emotions. How come I'm different from people when it comes to understanding socializing and conversations? I'm already diagnosed having Borderline and Schizoid PD. I have thought that my talents were brought by these disorders.

I asked my Doctor if schizoid is similar to aspergers. He said they are very different. That at the age 9, an asperger would become retarded. While a schizoid don't like to be in a social group. At first, I thought he may be thinking Autism. But when I mentioned the word Autism, he still said the same on aspergers. I didn't tell him about it any further. But was still confused.

I may have unusual skills and abilities and have been identified as weird, unique, different, genius. I enjoy learning. I have a lust for knowledge. In my later elementary years and high school, I like to be in the library every lunch time to read: fictions and science books.

When I was young, I don't think I have problems with dressing up or tying my shoes. I had a boy best friend at age 4 but they moved afterwards. I didn't have anymore close friends after him. Most of my playmates were boys. I don't like to play house with girls. I like guns, cars, and toy soldiers more. i hate Barbies. But when we moved, my neighbors were mostly girls. So I learned to play Barbie and house with them and I always volunteered to be the baby though I was the eldest. I still hate Barbies. I have a collection, gifts to me, but I hate them. As we grew, we now play water gun wars, basketball, and biking, and I like all of them. But when I entered high school, I barely go out with them.

I don't have much friends in school. I have always thought I'm okay on my own. Until in my 2nd yr High school, my Grade 5 Sunday School teacher (who later became my 1st yr HS Bible study leader, then later my first counselor and first friend) came to me and said I was a loner. The first time I heard that word. At home, I was having bad times with my mother. I learned to share and be open with my counselor-teacher-friend. But a year later, she found out I was weird and clingy. She just disappeared from being my counselor. Though I saw her every week in church, I didn't talk to her anymore.

I learned to make friends and be open with my classmates when my counselor came. But when she disappeared, I vowed myself, I would no longer be friendly or make friends. A few of my classmates hated me. I hate myself, too. But because I didn't want people to hate me. I started to be friendly again. But being with people was always a hardwork for me. I never go out much in high school, only have I done it before graduation. The whole batch was always going out before and after practices and thought that "if college would be like this, I want to try it out." So I went out with them.

I never liked kisses, touches, and hugs. But the first good sensation from touch was from my first counselor. I felt her kindness and care from her embraces. But when she disappeared, I never liked or had that kind of touch again. Whenever I had a headache or a stomachache, I never want people to show their sympathy by hugging me because I hurt more.

In college, it was hard to maintain friendship with people especially I got to have different classmates every semester. It was always hard to remember people's name and when had we met. I adore my first friend in college but we lost contact after we got separated in the next semester. I still call her a dear friend. There was one summer class which I had four of my highschool friends. Every day we go out together, eat together and study together. But one day, I missed studying on my own, so I went away from them alone. They were wondering where I went though. I was even coined as the "Batgirl" because I would suddenly disappear and suddenly appear. And they always had those surprised looks in them.

I miss all my old friends and I wish that when we meet, we would still have the same interactions as before. But that's far from happening. Whenever I meet or are with them, I'm quiet and feeling awkward at the same time because I'm not updated.

When it comes to concentration, I can only focus on subjects I am interested with. Like Math. I'm a visual learner. I score higher in visual-spatial. In school, if the teacher displays his lessons on the projection screen, I'd rather like it when he puts less words and more pictures. If the teacher puts the whole book or his outline on the projection screen and just read them. I'd rather not follow him and his lessons unless he not read it and would teach us right like he knows the lesson by heart. To me, a good teacher or speaker is one who knows what he's teaching by heart. There, I can listen attentively and concentrate.

I also have a photographic memory.

In conversations, I'm the shy, quiet one. I talk only when in areas I have interest with. Because if they let me talk in other things I have no idea of, I can't talk. I don't talk much. I only talk when I can relate. I don't mind being always the listener but I do mind people to listen to me when I talk. When I talk, it's mostly sermon-like. One time, I was told that whenever I talk they always find themselves listening attentively.

I'm clumsy sometimes. Before, I was even clumsier.

Last year, I need to have tinted eyeglasses because bright lights are becoming a headache. I have astigmatism. I don't know if this photosensitivity is part of aspergers. When I was younger, I don't mind being exposed under the sun. But now, I don't like to be under the sun because it burns my skin. I am having more allergies (food, dust, sun) when I started college. About my auditory, I can hear very soft sounds, it can be irritating, esp. very loud sounds like being under or near a school bell. I don't like cars honking infront of me.

I like Math. I like Chemistry. I graduated high school with the highest score in Math. In college, I got A's in Chemistry. I like patterns and figures. I like photography but I don't photograph patterns, I don't know why, I only like to look at them and adore the shapes. I do video editing. The only person who does video editing in church. I'm a musician. Music was my life. I play the piano well. People get frustrated when they see me play. What they do not know, I also get frustrated when someone plays so well because I think of myself that I don't play so well. I'm intellectual but ignorant about life and society.

In a flatboard or tiles, I like the irregular shapes and would look if there is a familiar shape like a man, a duck, etc. I always like that. I'm fascinated by it. However, when it comes to license plates, I'm bothered to always find myself staring at those plates and store signs, etc. I get to remember them easily as well. It was so grave before except now that I learned to always shift my gaze from them. I told my psychiatrist this recently (after two years from first diagnosed) and he mentioned obsessive-compulsive. Told him I am not OCD. He believes not also. But I am thinking of aspergers, but didn't tell him that after he gave me a wrong explanation of aspergers.

In college, I was found depressed. I didn't like my course and having a hard time with the society and still was bothered with the situation with my first counselor. My Grade 5 computer teacher-Grade 6 Sunday school teacher-Baptismal teacher became my new counselor. She noticed I may depressed and referred my to a professional. That was when I was diagnosed Borderline-schizoid. I always wonder about the schizoid part.

I'm a dreamer. I have my own world too. And I always get lost in reality. I always talk to myself. Even talk to someone not there. Like talking to a friend whom I know isn't really infront of me. However, this frustrates me, I can talk to the not-there-friend so well but when I talk to her in reality, I can't talk the way I practiced with her in absence.

Two years, I am with my counselor until two months ago, she thinks she couldn't help me anymore. Like I don't do what she tells me to. My doctor told me that I may just be resisting because I want her attention.

Yeah, I want her attention. But I also want to be better. However, what she tells me to do is beginning to be very difficult.

She told me that I'm very sensitive to people's actions towards me but I'm insensitive to my actions toward them. I don't understand.

I was said that I'm very blessed to have people come to my life but I don't seem to notice until told.

My mother said she loves me, and she doesn't know if I know that. I try to know my family loves me but I don't get it.

I love my family. I love my counselor. I love my friends. But it seems like love is just a dream.

My counselor can touch me but deep inside, I still feel that uneasiness but I still just let her. But I'm very okay to initiate it myself but always scared to do it thinking they may not like me hugging them.

I may have friends but I'm not always with them. My friends are mostly from church. I really don't have a group to call my own until one Sunday, I heard like I'm part of the Sunday group. The Sunday group includes mostly the middle-aged, as old as my parents. I'm okay with them. I can talk to them but not always. I play Word Factory with them and I always win. It's like I can level with their thoughts. I learn from them too. Of course, one of them is like a walking encyclopedia. Another is an architect. Both are single middle-aged men. The rest, well, normal. However, sometimes I think they're babysitting me. At least, now I know where to go with on Sundays when I want to go out: with them. But on weekdays, I'm mostly by myself and my computer. After socializing, I always find myself exhausted and depressed. Depressed because a good time has passed away. Exhausted because I don't know. After every Sunday out with people, I always make Monday a day to recuperate and I don't like to go out with people on Mondays.

I don't naturally fit with gender stereotypes. People have mistaken me to be lesbian. But I'm 100% girl. My counselor just told me I have to learn to dress more feminine. I may not dress like other ladies or like the media but I'm still a girl. Most clothes in my wardrobe are just shirts and jeans. I would only dress very lady-like on occasions. And if only I have more social activities and is working, then I wouldn't worry dressing on regular days.

Many have thought I don't have problems with the society because they've seen me okay with people. First, I improved like my counselor said. Second, I learned that being with people might help me a lot and lessen depression. Third, I couldn't stay home longer, I get nervous and may even get depressed. Fourth, I want to experience and know love and learn people and learn my environment and stay away from my own world which gives me nothing. However, being with people is always hardwork and tiresome. I still couldn't maintain relationships. I still couldn't understand people. I still couldn't relate to people. I'm still odd around people. I think I'm just using them just to make myself feel good inside.

Right now, I'm confused and disturbed about everything. About life in the society. About my relationship with my couselor. About people may be just using me for my abilities and freetime because I'm not employed, still planning to study accountancy after graduating nursing because I hate it, I don't know how to care people. About if there really is future for me. About being understood. About being normal in my spiritual walk with God and still be exceptionally different in His family.

In Christ, I have a future. In Christ, I have peace. In Christ, I'm well. But where is Jesus Christ? I know a lot about the Bible, I know God's acts, but I'm not sure if I know His ways. And I still don't understand or the teachings being taught to me are so fast I couldn't catch up. I want to be better. God says build my relationship with Him. I should stop seeking people and start seeking Him.

I'm not bothered with my diagnoses nor Aspergers. I'm just bothered with me in the society. Bothered how come I'm so different, being so difficult. Bothered with being misunderstood. If ever I have Aspergers, I would praise God, finally I'm well and properly diagnosed then I'll be properly helped maybe. If I don't have Aspergers, please God HELP me. Or better, God just take me away from here.

I'm frustrated because if only I was found earlier, I may then be treated differently. Be treated for who I am not for who I'm not. I may be 22 but I don't feel, think, or act 22.

Am I seeking for a diagnosis? I just seeking to be understood.