Monday, July 19, 2010

I am clingy, but special?

In the dictionary, the word clingy means, "apt to cling; adhesive". Special means, "unique or specific to a person or thing; surpassing what is common, usual or expected; adapted to or reserved for a particular purpose".

However, sometimes the dictionary doesn't tell us exactly what these words mean, exactly what we want to hear. Knowledge doesn't tell us accurately but wisdom could explain it well for us. I lack wisdom. I may have acquired tons of knowledge from this world but haven't learned a lot about this world I'm living.

Clingy. Why do I have a clingy behavior? What is a clingy behavior? What is clingy? People hate clingy people. Why? Because they feel smothered by this kind of persons, just as the books/articles/journal say: "Being clingy comes off as being needy and is a real turn off." "This comes off as clingy behavior because you "need" their acceptance and approval before making a move."? What makes me clingy? What have I done to have lost my significant other/s? Am I really doing that beyond the need for acceptance and approval? Well, what would they expect from someone like me who trusted her significant other/s? I don't understand.

Special. What makes me so special? My significant other/s keep on saying that. "[I] can't be like everybody else because [I'm] different, [I'm] special." "[I'm] a special girl". But they don't treat me like I'm special. I'm treated less than special, even less than normal. I just recently have felt like I'm a scum to the universe. I don't belong here. I'm not welcome. So what is special? What do they mean about special?

So I'm Borderline. So what? I have inabilities to regulate my emotions. I make poor decisions and poor judgments. Have inconsistent moods. Also have poor or negative sense of self. Fear of abandonment. Not to mention, frantic and unstable relationships. So I'm also Schizoid. I fear to be misunderstood. I avoid people. I have an inability or a lack for trust. I have autistic or aspergers qualities. I fantasize. I am well-off working alone.

I avoid people because I am scared of them. I am scared to hurt others and be hurt myself. I am scared to trust because people betray. They hurt. They don't understand me. Some think they understand me but not enough to let me be myself. This is why I am afraid of attachments. I detach when I feel when I've gone enough attachments already and feel like I need my space back. That is me 2 years ago. But what has happened in that two years? I have thought I can have hope. I can change. I can be attached without being afraid. But I am clingy. I am cursed to be pushed away. Cursed to be left alone. Cursed to always be that loner, that introvert. Though, I have learned to be extrovertish, but I am still that introvert inside. It's in my system, being extrovert is not.

"The fact that people often do leave someone who exhibits this [clingy] behavior only proves to support their distorted belief that they are insignificant, worthless, and unloved." So it is true. I am unimportant and worthless junk who happens to have lived on for so long just to face those "cycles" to be pulled in but then, be pushed away. Paranoid ideation. So I am that paranoid? Because of what I think is what-I-think-is-true?

If I am understood to have this problem, then why among all the problems we faced, this is the one who wouldn't dare face? Could you have known or expected or even predicted that someday we'd meet this? Many times I talk about this. You know I'm scared of attachments. You know I'm scared to be "left behind". Is this what you call a test for me to face on my own without you bothering to touch it? I learned to be with people. You are my "bridge" to them. I learn to attach and trust you; then I learn to attach and trust others. I practice with you, so I can apply with them. But now I don't have you, and I also have lost them. I lost my trust in you, I lost my trust in them. I'm scared of you, I'm scared of them. I run from you, I run from them.

I am dependent. I'm sorry. I don't know my limits. I don't know boundaries. I don't know when is right to depend and when not. I don't know anything about living. If there is a subject in school about Living, then I would gladly enroll myself in there.

I am jealous. I don't know why other than reasons that she gets what I want. I want to be taught about the Bible and God, I beg from you for that but she gets it while I don't get an affirmation. I don't get the hugs and embraces you give to others. Well, I try to understand that or force myself to understand. Before, when you are still eager to give me those embraces, I am still scared. But now that I am not, you're insistent to not give me.


But how can that be when I'm facing this so-called clingyness and I have to deal with the problem on my own?

You don't believe me. You don't like me. You don't understand. You don't listen to me. You don't ask questions why and why not; you just make a statement on your own. Wouldn't you allow me to also help you to help me by helping you understand me? You no longer know how to help me because you leave me out of it when you're busy trying to find answers and solutions. If I am the problem, couldn't I also be the solution? It seems that you think I am no good or I'm absolutely dependent on you for answers. I also try to find answers, not from you but from within me too.

"Where is God?" I don't know. You tell me where God is. "Two are better than one...[But] a cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (Eccl. 4:9a,12b) A form of a triangle, isn't a triangle a closed shaped? Doesn't God work that way in any "relationship"?
(plus, +) the doctor and your other "helps"

Or just because my form of thinking or my mind is distorted that I am not qualified to include myself with finding for answers?

I'm lost.

Monday, July 12, 2010

How to escape reality?

What dungeon am I in?
What maze is this?
What intersection did I cross?
What bottomless pit did I fall into?
What tunnel that goes deeper and darker am I entering?
How can I escape from this inescapable, incomprehensible, and dreadful course called reality?

Monday, July 05, 2010

Unhealthy Relationships with a Significant Other

What are some of the characteristics of an

unhealthy relationship with a significant other?