Out of Touch

Feeling out of touch? Out of senses? Or just plain delusional?

When I am trying to learn to be a human is also when I am being abandoned or feeling like I am UNWELCOME to even try to learn to be a human.

I am feeling deep inside that I want to hate her, discredit her. I don't know how else to react when a promise is broken.

She promised we would have our counselling sessions once a month until September. I was already preparing myself for that last session. However, the promise was broken. It's like our sessions had stopped earlier than promised. I was not ready for that. Even though there were times I wanted no more of our sessions but I just hanged on until the end. Those times were when I was feeling down and lost that I didn't want to talk about; however, I should learn to talk about my worries, needs, and concerns. But right now, I felt like I didn't wish to even bother talking to her anymore, though she still said she's still here to listen.

I am feeling out of touch. Sometimes, I would feel like just accept the truth that our sessions are gone already. But hey, I don't know. I still feel like I want those last two sessions. She says we talk from time to time, even checking up on me like yesterday, but that's informal. I mean I don't know. There are really a lot of things bothering me. I have talked to God about it. But now, I am confused of "COME TO ME ALL THOSE WHO ARE WEARY" and "BEAR EACH OTHER'S BURDENS".

Years before, after my first counsellor left me, I had relied on God alone and no one else. When my present counsellor came, I thought that "bearing each other's burden" should also take part with relying on God.

I'm confused. Or is it really easy to just accept what's happening and do nothing? Could somebody just trace me back to what's real or what I am supposed to do?

I know I fear reality but sometimes my body wants to feel alive. I want to feel alive.

I am just recently learning physical touch and being close with people. And I am learning it with my counsellor. But when I think our sessions are over, seems like I no longer have the opportunity to further my learning again. Almost similar with my first counsellor when I wished to learn friendships with her but was shortened because she just disappeared from her commitment.

I fear broken and faded relationships. Though Achi have not really abandoned me, but I feel still removed.

I am only using this blog to express myself because I can't express honestly anymore with Achi.

A borderline or not. 21 or not. Alive or not. I'm still lost...like a lamb removed from my carer's presence.

And what should I be doing in God's presence according to this messy picture?

Could someone help me out?