I Know But I Don't

I know. I just don't want to listen from you anymore.

I know I may be impractical. By knowledge, I know. By understanding, I don't.

I know I should grow up because I am 21. I know I should act mature. I know I should learn to live independently. I know I should learn to take and accept responsibilities. I know I should be rational, practical, and radical. I know I am alive. I know I am human.

But what do I understand? I can't be 21. It's hard to act my age. I am still learning and I need someone to help me even when I learn it wrongly. I still need someone to wake me up from my delusions. It's hard to be rational when I am emotional. It's hard to think objectively when I am still learning to accept and express my emotions. It's hard to go full speed like a snap to be mature when I am still learning new things. It's hard to be 21 when I am still emotionally unstable, emotionally dependent, and emotionally younger than 21. It's hard to take responsibilities because I fear of falling down and no one to pick me up on the way. I am losing my self when I am unsure, overwhelmed, or confused of the things or happenings around me. (Allow me to grow up even if it may take a very very long while. Be patient with me. You are but seems you don't.)

I know I should but I understand I am. I know I should but I don't understand why should I. I don't understand the knowlegde I have gotten.

However, whatever I gain knowledge from you, I still don't understand and I no longer wish to listen from you anymore because you have not made me understand. You just throw words at me to force me to understand. You have known me but you have not really understood me. Then, we're even.

I am letting you go free, even if it hurts me. Besides, you also do have a life and I'm letting you have it your way. And I'll go the other way then. I'll be alone once again. Who cares? You have your own life, I have mine. It is just you have a good life and I don't. I have a life that is unknown.

(Have you really accepted me of who I am? Or just trying to accept that you're trapped with me?)

Sorry to be thinking this way but the thoughts have comforted me in some way. Letting you go is like escaping from the pain. Heard about, "I Hate You Don't Leave Me"? Hah! I'm not going to do that again. I'd just let you go because I don't want to feel the pain. Just go. Don't come back. I don't need you anymore, though I still feel I need you but feelings can be a lie, right, like you said? I don't need you. Leave me be. You have detached from me first, just as you said yesterday. Though being the second to detach as well, I'd remove you out of the picture for good.

And thank you for the year you have nurtured and taught me. Think you taught me well? Some things, yes. But this? I don't know. I'm not sure. Why don't you rate?

(We have not talked about broken relationships because you seem not interested - for she was your friend and I was talking about her - so I never opened up about it again.)