Re: What Do I Want?

IDK, a chat code for "I don't know." I, honestly, don't know what I want.

When I want something, then I don't want it anymore when the opportunity is near for me to have that want. I have a lot of wants but I'm not sure if I really want it. So, I don't know.

DOCTOR: When I was growing up, I "wanted to be a doctor." I don't want that anymore nor do I even want to work in the hospital. Just don't let me be there.

MISSIONARY: Then came one day that I rushed to my parents room and declared, "I think I want to be a missionary." Hmm. I still like the idea, but is it really for me? I enjoy outreaches, traveling to new places uncommon to many, seeing people in need of God's Love. But I have a hard time interacting with people.

MUSICIAN: I wanted to be part of an orchestra or a symphony. If not, work with the known artists. Maybe Stephen Curtis Chapman, Paul Baloche. Study in Julliard!! (Oh wow!!) But I was utterly convinced of becoming a professional musician-composer that I wanted to share the whole world about the songs (all about God) I wrote. But "wanting to be famous around the world?" Sounds not godly. So, I am just laying low these talents that I have because "music is my life". That..I "broke the nail", just "God is my life." Because I am a frustrated musician & playing music makes me look deep to myself mostly and thinking how much I loved music, that I am cutting it off from me. I still don't know much how to use these talents without compromising. Better to just sing for God. It's easier because it's not me who's making me sing, God's making me sing.

RICH: Ha! Many want that. To be rich. But know why I wanted to be rich? When I was wee-younger, very little, everytime I see a child-beggar, handicapped, and an old lady w/ osteoporosis, w/ cane, having difficulty pulling the grocery cart (I just saw one today and remembered how I wanted to be rich (Also why I wrote this.). I couldn't stand seeing her struggle but I also could not stand myself because I don't know what to do or how to help w/o the feeling of a fool not knowing how to deal such matter.). As young as 3 or 4yo, everytime I saw those people, I would say to myself, "Old lady or child, when I grow up, I want to be rich, very rich that I can help you." Even as a teenager, I have imaginations of owning a large lot and house which I could use it as a place for the children or the aged who have been abandoned. But trouble is, not that I'm not rich (of course, I'm not), I don't know how to deal with them because I can't interact well with them.

COMPUTER WHIZ/MATH WHIZ: I love computers/gadgets. I love math. I'm a nerd & a geek. That's all. I want to know more about computers & how I could make videos/pictures/audio better editing. I want to reach the very top level of math. How I envied Kumon. If only...(lots to say..)

SCHOLAR: Not scholar in school, I meant, a genius (such dream..but I want to learn..say a learner). I always wanted to learn about astronomy, archaeology, history..theology..how all these support the Bible..study the Bible..I want to learn..join in the scholars. (I still do want to study the Bible though (in-depth).)

PSYCHOLOGY: Hmm. Never thought of myself as a counselor. But this I recently found this year that I can talk to people who were reserved and was able to build trust from them and, finally, allowed them to pour out their baggage. It's interacting people, I know. But how did I ever do that? Nothing else but God did. How can I interact people? God will. Still have that fear. God doesn't.

TEACHER: Now this I couldn't imagine myself. In highschool, I never wanted to be a teacher as much as I never wanted to be a nurse. However, I find teaching fulfilling. Though it's interacting again. I still don't know how I do it but I know God's doing it. Even the first time I held that practicing teaching w/ Ma'am Dean. She was ecstatic about my teaching. She liked it. Then came the title, "Ma'am Dean's look-alike," also because of my hair and glasses and walk? What are they talking about? (I meant those who kept on calling me Ma'am Dean.)

ACCOUNTANCY: "Pass or fail, I will take accountancy." Such strong-willed plan. But what happened? "Uhm..Accountancy?? Uhm..I don't know if I'm for it..." I want then I don't. Still is me.

FILM INDUSTRY/DIRECTOR/ACTOR: Haha!! Ya. I once thought of wanting to be an actress or even a dancer. I also wanted to direct a film. Work with the big industries abroad. Work with well-known actors. Jackie Chan. Nicole Kidman. Julie Andrews. Hehe..

But what do I want? Many dreams and wishes. Many choices. Lots of potentials, skills, capabilities. Lots and lots of choices. And I don't know which do I really want. What do I want to become? What's for me? Hmm??

Taking away the dreamy wants. These are left. Mission/pastor/shepherding (the latter is scary but really synonymous from the others)? Psychology/counselor(?)? Teacher(another (?))? Home for the aged (What am I going to do there?)? Orphanage (I don't like kids, but wha?)? (All interacting?)

But actually..These are the special gifts God has given me apart from all the unique gifts he has made me. Special because I don't know where they come from if God's not real. Special because I never thought myself to be. Special because it focuses not on my capabilities but on my availability which reminds me that there is nothing I can do apart from God. Special because it has become a character.

Still poses as a big question mark (?) WHAT DO I WANT? But I don't think I may want what I want. What does God wants? What should I be? (No, no, nurse!!!!!! NEVER!!! Please not a nurse!!!!!!)