Sunday, December 04, 2011

My Failings

I still have not let go of a part of her. I have not let go of the person I once have known her. The person who once believed in me. The person who cared for me.

However, I have lost her. Somehow, deep inside, she is now a different person.

Because I cannot be the person who she wishes me to be, she let go. She has given up.
I don't think my jealousy is the main reason for her to let go, other than that she has labeled me to be with homo tendencies.

Yes, that hurts a lot.

She left because she can't understand me and is fed up already. She has lost her patience on me. I could not live up to her standards/conditions because I'm "stubborn", synonymously strong-willed. Her love is conditional, and I have fallen short of her love.

And so I thought that she could help me live up to my full potential because I saw someone whom I thought believed in me. For the first time, I thought that finally, there's someone who believes in me and can see passed through what is visible of me, through a facade.

I am even unable to hug her to say thank you to her because she weird out of me. She can't touch me like I am some leper, banished from all cares and hopes to finding my true identity. The identity of finding and reaching my full potential.

People has said I have great potential or very blessed but they are all just up to their mouths. They are all just mere words to me.

Every time I share my wishes, some are fulfilled yet some, esp those most important ones, has not been fulfilled and like it's just placed in a box thought to be forgotten. But I don't forget. Wishes that I so much wanted is never given to me.

A friend. A best friend. A true friend. Long term relationships never last long with me. Rejection, abandonment, dismissed, given up: these end the relationship.

Improving my skills and abilities. Improving what I know already never heightens for long.

Be taught of the Bible. Told I'm too old to be taught like a child. I know a lot already so I don't to be taught anymore.

If only I could just be my own best friend. If only I can help myself improve without the encouragement, feedback and evaluation of a human being.

Yet I thank God, I don't give up the promise to be taught of the Bible because I know, "a person is never too young or too old to be taught of God's Word."

I am going to carry God's promises. I may have fallen from perfection but I have not fallen from God's unconditional love. May God's love be my eternal strength and comfort, and my motivation to never give up. I still wish to find myself in this unloving and cruel world, and where I do stand out from the rest of these human beings.

I know I am different but I will not let discrimination stop me from being different. I may want to give up most times and stop pretending like I am okay in all these troubles. I will just give up to God. I am not okay but I am okay with God. God does not discriminate me. God does not leave me when he finds fault in me. God does not give me conditions on how to remain in his love. All he does is love me without question, without discrimination, without doubt.

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