Journal for June 29 (Sixteenth Day Away From Mankind)

A brief background of the title. For 16 days (and counting), I haven't seen my friends or been in church. Last week, I was supposed to be having a mission trip to Thailand but I was forced not to join the trip anymore because I had Rubella that I might infect others. Therefore, my 18th day from the first appearance of my rashes. 12th day my rashes disappeared. But 16 days without seeing people other than my housemates, this was too much already.

(Posted on June 30 - Journal for June 29 - Sixteenth Day Away From Mankind)

They're back from Thailand and I was not able to meet them at the airport. But that's not what I was writing about.

More than 2 weeks I had not met my friends. My friends in church were the only friends I had and I felt like "shut out" from mankind already. I lost everything when I was rejected (this was the first time I said the word since I got left behind from the trip) to join for Thailand. I lost my confidence, dignity, and esteem - ashamed to even go back to church or even make appearance to my friends.

I had resolved from my attach-detach habit (when I felt I was starting to get attached with people, I pull out myself until I felt very lonely again, I spent time with people again, and so on...) I was then able to form relationships deeper than I had before. However, now that I lost everything, I had to think that I needed to build those relationships lost again and it was always so hard for me. I got detached again, not by choice but by being "shut out".

Before, I had few or no confidence and esteem. I was always scared to be with people. I was not a people-person. Scared to even make attachments because I had a history and I was hurt, felt rejected. Took me months (...again, months or even a year) to be able to recently build self-confidence and self-esteem, and finally, attachments.

Now, if I get rejected one more time, even for whatever event from church; then what reason do I have to live outside?

These two weeks, all I had was the cyberworld and few moments with family (well, at least). I had contact with friends, but it was not the same as physical or real contact. If I fail or don't get invited (or might as well be invited out) for communication/encounter/real contact or to even spend time with my friends, then could it be better for me to be just a cyberperson, who no longer exists but still wishes to help people, available only in cyberspace?

Right now, I am feeling like I don't exist. I want to go out but I don't feel like it. Feeling again to be nonexistent, just a mere breeze that passes by. GOOD AS DEAD...... I think I know why - because I have no physical contact for so long already. No touch.

These days, I had been imagining like when I met the trippers at the airport, I would want to hug all of them because I missed them so much. That was what I wanted to do - if I met them.

The first time I felt alive was because of touch. I was so down and quiet, but the touch from my faithful counselor-mentor. Even though it was a little gesture, it was already SO BIG I felt alive. When God touched my heart, I felt important and loved.

God designed us to be together (TO-GET-HER = grab someone) so God can show His love to us through others. God made His love real to me. Though it was sweet, and would stop me from my tracks, to hear the words, "GOD LOVES YOU," from another person, it was hard to comprehend what it meant other than God sent His Son to die for me, to save me, to give me eternal life. God made His love real through the people He sends.

I asked for a help for so long until God answered it with a BONUS. He showed His love to me. Now, I ask help on what to do that I lost a lot. I never want to lose my friends, not even those who meant a lot to me...they all mean a lot to me.

God help me.

Sleeping In Sadness

Oh, look it's 3 in the morning.

There are nights that are not always meant for sleeping. Night shifts, 24/7 convenience stores, working overtimes, etc. There are also nights which I call, sadness or misery.

I would rather not sleep in such a state. It's crooked, downgrading rest. Nights are mostly meant for rest, but sleeping in sadness is like sleeping on nails with a big boulder above your head.

Cheer up! are two words to uplift a sad person. But how can sleeping in solitude and sadness cheer one up? Waking up long at night can be tiring but would it be worth enough to find ways to cheer oneself up?

If there's the internet, surfing it can be fun but most times boring especially when the internet has become part of your world. Reading books can divert imagery but books only that don't require too much thinking. Sing or listen to a song would be something but at that emotional state, one might rather listen to slow tempo or a ballad or even be tempted to listen to the most depressing songs than rock-and-roll. Movies can be good "downer's drainer". Find good movies like maybe comedy, drama, kiddie, etc, better not some chaotic movie.

Escaping sadness is impossible but can be a habit. A person who hates ignorance (like me) is very much ignorant about these things. Don't know if trying to drain those sorrows by escaping or running away from it is even permissible. It can be beneficial for a time but it always is going to catch back at you.

Don't take my word. I'm only writing here.

Re: What Do I Want?

IDK, a chat code for "I don't know." I, honestly, don't know what I want.

When I want something, then I don't want it anymore when the opportunity is near for me to have that want. I have a lot of wants but I'm not sure if I really want it. So, I don't know.

DOCTOR: When I was growing up, I "wanted to be a doctor." I don't want that anymore nor do I even want to work in the hospital. Just don't let me be there.

MISSIONARY: Then came one day that I rushed to my parents room and declared, "I think I want to be a missionary." Hmm. I still like the idea, but is it really for me? I enjoy outreaches, traveling to new places uncommon to many, seeing people in need of God's Love. But I have a hard time interacting with people.

MUSICIAN: I wanted to be part of an orchestra or a symphony. If not, work with the known artists. Maybe Stephen Curtis Chapman, Paul Baloche. Study in Julliard!! (Oh wow!!) But I was utterly convinced of becoming a professional musician-composer that I wanted to share the whole world about the songs (all about God) I wrote. But "wanting to be famous around the world?" Sounds not godly. So, I am just laying low these talents that I have because "music is my life". That..I "broke the nail", just "God is my life." Because I am a frustrated musician & playing music makes me look deep to myself mostly and thinking how much I loved music, that I am cutting it off from me. I still don't know much how to use these talents without compromising. Better to just sing for God. It's easier because it's not me who's making me sing, God's making me sing.

RICH: Ha! Many want that. To be rich. But know why I wanted to be rich? When I was wee-younger, very little, everytime I see a child-beggar, handicapped, and an old lady w/ osteoporosis, w/ cane, having difficulty pulling the grocery cart (I just saw one today and remembered how I wanted to be rich (Also why I wrote this.). I couldn't stand seeing her struggle but I also could not stand myself because I don't know what to do or how to help w/o the feeling of a fool not knowing how to deal such matter.). As young as 3 or 4yo, everytime I saw those people, I would say to myself, "Old lady or child, when I grow up, I want to be rich, very rich that I can help you." Even as a teenager, I have imaginations of owning a large lot and house which I could use it as a place for the children or the aged who have been abandoned. But trouble is, not that I'm not rich (of course, I'm not), I don't know how to deal with them because I can't interact well with them.

COMPUTER WHIZ/MATH WHIZ: I love computers/gadgets. I love math. I'm a nerd & a geek. That's all. I want to know more about computers & how I could make videos/pictures/audio better editing. I want to reach the very top level of math. How I envied Kumon. If only...(lots to say..)

SCHOLAR: Not scholar in school, I meant, a genius (such dream..but I want to learn..say a learner). I always wanted to learn about astronomy, archaeology, history..theology..how all these support the Bible..study the Bible..I want to learn..join in the scholars. (I still do want to study the Bible though (in-depth).)

PSYCHOLOGY: Hmm. Never thought of myself as a counselor. But this I recently found this year that I can talk to people who were reserved and was able to build trust from them and, finally, allowed them to pour out their baggage. It's interacting people, I know. But how did I ever do that? Nothing else but God did. How can I interact people? God will. Still have that fear. God doesn't.

TEACHER: Now this I couldn't imagine myself. In highschool, I never wanted to be a teacher as much as I never wanted to be a nurse. However, I find teaching fulfilling. Though it's interacting again. I still don't know how I do it but I know God's doing it. Even the first time I held that practicing teaching w/ Ma'am Dean. She was ecstatic about my teaching. She liked it. Then came the title, "Ma'am Dean's look-alike," also because of my hair and glasses and walk? What are they talking about? (I meant those who kept on calling me Ma'am Dean.)

ACCOUNTANCY: "Pass or fail, I will take accountancy." Such strong-willed plan. But what happened? "Uhm..Accountancy?? Uhm..I don't know if I'm for it..." I want then I don't. Still is me.

FILM INDUSTRY/DIRECTOR/ACTOR: Haha!! Ya. I once thought of wanting to be an actress or even a dancer. I also wanted to direct a film. Work with the big industries abroad. Work with well-known actors. Jackie Chan. Nicole Kidman. Julie Andrews. Hehe..

But what do I want? Many dreams and wishes. Many choices. Lots of potentials, skills, capabilities. Lots and lots of choices. And I don't know which do I really want. What do I want to become? What's for me? Hmm??

Taking away the dreamy wants. These are left. Mission/pastor/shepherding (the latter is scary but really synonymous from the others)? Psychology/counselor(?)? Teacher(another (?))? Home for the aged (What am I going to do there?)? Orphanage (I don't like kids, but wha?)? (All interacting?)

But actually..These are the special gifts God has given me apart from all the unique gifts he has made me. Special because I don't know where they come from if God's not real. Special because I never thought myself to be. Special because it focuses not on my capabilities but on my availability which reminds me that there is nothing I can do apart from God. Special because it has become a character.

Still poses as a big question mark (?) WHAT DO I WANT? But I don't think I may want what I want. What does God wants? What should I be? (No, no, nurse!!!!!! NEVER!!! Please not a nurse!!!!!!)

A Light In Every Tunnel (A Testimony)

(Life has its own tunnels. Tunnels are dark. However, tunnels also have its entrances and exits. When you enter one, how sure can you get out? I, for one, entered a tunnel. I almost gave up walking and finding my way out from that long treacherous tunnel. With grace, I was able to find my out because I found the Light. Now, whenever I enter another tunnel, I make sure to find the LIGHT.)

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I thank God for the blessings he has given me. For the Love he has shown me. For the glory he has me possessed. For the treasure he has shared.

Before, I was a lost lamb. So lost I didn’t know what love was, what friends meant. What it meant to live together with people. I had nowhere to turn to. I knew there was God, but knowing and believing in Him worth everything? I tried everything to be near to God. I called for Him. I begged. I cried. I served. No matter how long I prayed or how long I stayed in the presence of God, there would always be times I felt I was alone. I knew God was everywhere. I knew he could hear my every word spoken by my mouth. There were most times I felt safe with Him. Times I enjoyed and thanked Him for. I thanked God that I was part of His kingdom, that He revealed to me His promise, that He accepted me as His child. I did all I could think of for God: I offered my talents to Him, my life, my future. Yet where did my future lead me to? To a major I never liked. To a life I never wished to have. To where my potential had not reached its peak.

I rebelled against God. I took the things I gave up for Him. I held on to my future, my life, and my potentials. I did all in my own effort. I regretted I took that major. I regretted I lay behind my skills. I neglected my capabilities. I was frustrated that I didn’t become who I wanted to be, unable to make a name for myself, unable to make the most use of my skills and yet had it become as just a hobby.

I tried to journey back. Back to the passionate one. One who had her passions, dreams, and life on music, on computers, on Math, on making a name, being acknowledged. I was desperate to fulfil my dreams, my wishes, my wants. I didn’t want my shattered dreams to be fully shattered by my present state in college. I tried to gain my all by trying to live this past to the future, by being impatient of wanting to end this nightmare soon.

Yet, I became weary and tired. All those nights working my countless assignments and duty the next day, cramming to catch up my studies for the exams, plus the anxiety these brought me and the regret I took such course. Spiritually, I became bare. The fire stopped burning. Emotionally, I was shattered. I was lonely. I felt miserable. I wanted to die. What life can this bring me when my life had already died away when I entered this stage of life?

I cried God for help. Almost every night, I begged for Him to help me, send someone, anyone to help me. I cried to God, “Enough! It’s too much. I’ve had it.” I was so lonely. I wished to embrace God just to keep away the pain. I called for His company, for His presence. When finally I could no longer take the insult, the pain, the suffering, I yelled at God. I blamed Him for leading me to this life. I made a fist at Him.

After that night, I regretted what I did, but my pride crept in on me. I still hated my life. Every night, I looked up at the sky: no stars but one big full moon staring blankly at me, “God, I yelled at you. I’m sorry, but I’m still turning my back on you. You, the Truth, are hard to turn away to the Lie, but I still hurt. I’m sorry.”

...........................................

That’s not the end yet.

God was just beginning His work in me and I hadn’t noticed that because I was so full of my self. When I had let go of Him, I didn’t know I also let go of my self. Being all fed up with life, I let go. Come what may. Yet, I was still desperate. I wanted God back but I was afraid.

One day, God allowed me to think deeply about Him and me until I got tired from too much thinking. I was working on something and still, I was able to think. I wanted to share something to someone before I make that one decision which I tried to escape: learning about God and His open arms.

God was trying to make me the person He wanted me to become, but He could not do that when I was so inflated about me. God knew when was the best time He could teach me. He knew all along what He wanted from me. He wanted me to let go and to mind Him and not me. God answered my prayer for help when I wasn’t expecting it anymore. He brought His peace. He showed His love. He tried to teach me that He is God and Master of my life. He taught me it was not just me in this world, that there were other people as well. He showed me His family, His flock, His kingdom. He brought me His family telling me that I belonged to them just as I belonged to God. He made His family so I could no longer be lonely and that I had Him and His family to turn to. God made me flesh so I could be with flesh. He made me part of His family so I could be His family. God taught me love. He conveyed His love to others to love me. God never gave up His family and He never gives up on me.

I may still dislike my course, but I try, with God’s Love, to take the course again and pass it even when I still hurt a lot because of the struggles it brings.

P.S. I had given up my music which was my dream, my passion, my life because it was taking the place which was supposed to be for God. God is my Dream, my Passion, and my Life.

May this testimony and promise be forever be printed in me, also to anyone, and not replaced.

Self Injury - Freedom

#1: I don't cut but I punch walls, hit myself on walls so hard I don't care if it hurts because it doesn't. It's a comfort to me but people don't get it.. I feel alive when I do & I do it when I get so angry, it's a way to express myself.. I don't know how to express in words or even talking to people..

#2: So do I, I don't cut but I literally beat myself up just to feel something. But I am slowly getting away from that. If you ever wanna talk just let me know.  

#1: (a reply 3 months later) I think these happens because we yearn for touch. I long for a warm loving touch but I tend to repel from touch, even from friends, because I relate it to pain even though I know they're intentions were to show they care. But I do want to be touched, even a hug but I can't or don't know how to hug. Whenever I see my friends hugging each other, I look away because I feel deprived of that act of love and feeling hurt deep inside.

Now, whenever I feel angry and the tension is building up I learn to back away and find my inner self and connect my self to God. Still is hard at times but it's a learning. Yet, longing to be with friends, to be touched, have quality time, be given with countless encouraging words, is a struggle.

However, I may be deprived of love but no other love is greater than the Love of God.

Life Isn't Complete w/o the People that Came To Our Lives

If there were no parents, how did we enter this world?

If there were no caregivers, who took care of us when no one else did?

If there were no teachers, how did we learn our manners, values, lessons?

If there were no friends, who could have influenced us?

If there were no enemies, how did we learn from each other's mistakes?

Friends may have become enemies. Enemies become friends. They still were part of becoming us. Because every people that came to our lives, we learned from them. They became our training ground as we walked this path called LIFE.

Every maze, every adventure, every road, every path is not easy and straight. There would always be stops, turns, twists, rocks, and other else that came our way: fights, arguments, misunderstandings, accidents, etc. Still we took the path for it's the only road to life.

There's no turning back. The clock turns clockwise and not counter clockwise. The clock ticks continuously and never stops. The years don't subtract; it always adds. Our years of age as well.

2008 just faded and so were the years behind. All that were left were memories. Memories of joys and sadness, of anger and reconciliation. People = memories. Without people, there's no memory to keep. Without memory, there's emptiness in us. Emptiness comes from loneliness. And loneliness strays away people.

What is life if we're alone in this world? What is life if we dislike the people in our lives? What worth is living if we cut off our memories, escape from the people we've known? What is life if I disown my past?

This I have to learn: Cherish each moment, each day spent with the people in our lives. Keep every treasure, tangible or intangible, that was given to us by these people. And always say a prayer of thanks to the One who gave us our family and friends, God. God who brought all that we saw around us ALIVE.

Seasonal Misery?

Just because it's Christmas or the New Year doesn't mean I am miserable. It only has become a bad timing that I'm facing or thinking things that I feel sorry for myself.

Christmas isn't merry for me at all. I don't wish for any presents underneath the Christmas tree. I don't wish to receive any at all. New Year makes me miss those old times, old friends and I can never be able to bring them back anymore.

Everywhere I go, social life is always involved. I see people having good times with their relationships (friends, family). I yearn for that..always, but I always feel out-of-place in the presence of friends. I go to the mall, restaurants, all social places by myself. I wish to be invited out but never been. I wish to join or include myself in the group but, never mind, I don't feel invited; I'd rather go my way opposite theirs.

I find no one to share. There's Achi Caroline but I still think I'm not sharing at all. Sharing is like being able to be me, but sharing about me can be uninteresting, so why bother to find someone to share with? Because I feel lonely, like I have the load of the whole world. God's there. Is it even enough talking to an invisible God? I hesitate myself from sharing because I'm uninteresting, self-centered, and afraid they may not be listening at all. They hear but do they listen? There's others but it's like they've had it with me. They're not responding. Could they hear me? I always feel invisible or dead.

It's hard to trust these days.

Trust doesn't always mean that secrets be kept and someone listening, but also someone who would not reject, give up, taking for granted, not making me to be just a routine.

My standards are high? I am afraid to be left behind, be hurt again.

Everytime I think of myself, I think of someone who's rather not live. What beauty would such a person like I who's afraid to even face reality, who can't find a lasting functional relationship with people, who wish to find another home, who cannot stand to live one more day in the house she's living, who go to church, a place that she thinks she can be herself, but really can't, who's always reserved, waiting for something significant?

Why can't I be me whom no one would judge, no one to say I should be this or that? Why can't they just accept me as me? It's like every part of me is always a flaw. Everywhere I am, people would judge me. Do I judge them?

If only it happened that I was able to leave everything behind from everything and everyone I know. Could I be facing these things like now if that happened?

12.31.08

Making Changes Heal

Changing the past only happens when changing it in the present, so the future will also be changed. Taking chances. Learn from weaknesses and face them, not escaping from them. Face your fears so to fear no more. Takes time but it's worth it. Same as growing, it takes time to grow good fruit in us, to make changes for the better.

God brought me to it; God will bring me through it.

I am run by emotions but my emotions should not reflect how I relate to God.

Emotions are deceiving and may destroy a person and the people around him.

There are times we're happy. We want to spend time with people. Go out. Have fun. Enjoy life. There are also times we're gloomy. We avoid meeting people. Going out with them. Enjoy the world around us. And we fail to see the beauty of God's creation.

In a Christian concert, all of us are in high hopes after attending the concert. The concert is uplifting and encouraging. We feel in light with God and wish to spend more time with God. But as the days go by, we get miserable. The world around us is turning upside down and we no longer wish to attend church, read the Bible, pray to God, and might even feel guilty. Why does this happen? Why that at first we were joyous and in fiery for God and all of a sudden, God became so far away and we end up in the "blue moon"?

This is caused by our own emotions. When we're happy, we rejoice God, but when we're blue, we deject God. Every Christian is still human, and humans are vulnerable to high and low feelings, but the joy a Christian has with God isn't based from his happiness.

Joy is not equal to happiness. Joy is a hope waiting to be grasp by every Christian. Hope in God, faith in God, trust in God whether being lively and merry or sad and gloomy is the joy of having a genuine relationship with God.

God isn't just a Superior Being ruling over all, but a Loving Being who wants all His children to obey and have joy in Him.

As for me, I am writing this as I am in a pit. I am not in a valley or up on the mountain, but under the deepest pit. I write this to express and to remind myself that God brought me into this misery so He can use me and that His awesome Power may be displayed in me bringing me out of it as a child still learning to walk, as a cracked pot waiting to be fixed, as a blind wishing to see, a deaf hoping to hear, a lame wanting to walk.

God brought me to it, he'll bring me through it.

Some Things I Could Say About The 23rd Foundation Day in OCGS

Am not really sure what to write or why I have to write this, but here it goes.

First of all, the Foundation Days were on September 24-26, 2008. I didn't know what happened on the 24 & 25th, but all I knew that the variety show was at the 26th at 7PM. I heard they had a dance competition that morning; I thought, "Woah! That's new." Watching the champion & the 1st runner up dancing in that show, I really could say, "Oh, we're old." There were new things happened in the school after we graduated, but this year, the sports were being promoted, music was also promoted for I thought that they had lessons with whatever instruments the students wished to play, but I was not sure. However, there was one solo performance by a student; he played Canon in D on the guitar. After that, I didn't expect that the English part of the variety show was short; being featured were only the Glee Club (they improved really, and some students played the instruments), the champion & 1st runner up of the dance competition, and that solo performance. Those were all. Though the Chinese part was fun, the variety show, which usually happen in 2 hrs, only took an hour. Not only that, I noticed the Foundation Days were shortened from 5 days to 3 days. Before it was 3 days, then to 5 days, but this year, 3 days. Also, I noticed that the sound system was reduced. The speakers on the sides were not used. Because of that, the audio of the show wasn't that good, esp. when the Glee Club, the solo guitar performance, and one song number performed, they could not be heard clearly.

A lot of things did change after we graduated. The student population got smaller. The usual two-section levels, turned to be just one-section in other levels like the 4th yr. Also, in the gym where the variety show was held, the audiences were also reduced unlike before, the gym was always packed. I really didn't know what actually happened that these things had to occur. Students also changed. There are more hard-headed, spoiled bratty kids, feeling mature, night outs, going out during lunch time, less students staying in the campus after 5PM (accdg. to my brother). Things did change. However, I did find few students who grew up spiritually (well, that's good). I just hoped that the school would go back the usual that it was running okay. Though, it's okay now, but not as okay as before. The teachers working also were good now (that's another good thing); I heard the teaching was good or maybe even better.

Except, my brother moved to another school, and it's really bad because I worried the math, english, and science he was being taught now. (After the variety show, we decided to have a joyride, taking advantage because our parents weren't home for the night; we stopped by the new bridge and watched the sights and enjoying the cool breeze. Unexpectedly, we started talking about our school. How the school and we were then and now.) The curricula of his school "weren't that good," he said. I saw his math book once and, "Oh! This had been taught in my elementary years." My brother's in 2nd yr HS (tsk tsk tsk). The English teacher, he said, didn't even speak good English, even their principal; he would always criticize the way they spoke because he knew how better the lessons of our old school, OCGS, was. I really regretted his Math in that school. Though my brother changed for the good, he said he's more humbled now than he was in OCGS; not only that, he said, "those who moved out and transferred to another school far from OCGS were humbled." My brother was boastful when he was still there (he said), but now, he did change. He's spirituality did change. However, he's boasting he changed compared to his classmates then in OCGS, that was why he told me they became worse and proud and spoiled. I told my brother that those who moved out from the school did change like us who graduated. It was because, OCGS was so protective of us that we didn't know what the world outside looked like until we changed schools. And he did agree with me. His school had "bozos", rebels, smokers, drinkers, PDAs; everything what the world was, he saw and learned that God's kingdom was better than Satan's kingdom, this world we were living. When we learned what the world looked like and when we had the spiritual background (this we thanked our old school), we knew our capabilities, weaknesses, responsibilities, and hope in Christ; we became more conscious and careful in everything we did for we were bringing the name of Christ Jesus and our old school. We still made mistakes for we were still sinners, but the difference though was our relationship with Christ. We confessed our sins and weaknesses for God would make us strong in weakness.

For whatever our weakness is, we should confess it and let God work in us. Making him the foundation of our life, our future. Remember Paul and his thorn (2 Cor. 12:1-10). Paul's thorn is his weakness. It can never be pulled out. His thorn hurts but his thorn reminds him of his need of God. He offered his life, as well as his thorn to Christ. And now, he's been boasting about the thorn: though his thorn hurts, Christ is helping him live on. That thorn would only be taken away once he now lives with Christ and God the Father in the kingdom of heaven. For without Christ, we are nothing. Just like Paul, we all have our thorns, but we must still move on and allow God to help us relieve from that thorn until He takes it away completely when we meet Him in heaven. As Paul said in 2 Cor. 12:10, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." God is our strength. We "can do all things through Christ who gives us strength." (Phil. 4:13)

Tell Yourself

This was my assignment for my RS55 subject:

My friends call me Sally. I was born on the 29th of February 1988. I am the eldest in the family of 2 children and 5 grandchildren of my grandparents (paternal).

I grew up knowing the Bible stories since I was very young, but I came to know God in high school, and later on near college (or in college), I gave up my life to live for Christ.

I am a person of passion, of dreams, and imaginations. I have a great passion for music as I am a musician and composer. I dream to share my talents and skills to the world. My other abilities are editing videos, which I am engaged in Youtube, videography, photography, and literature, which I never thought myself to be interested in this (I make poems, journals, short stories). I even imagine myself to be in the movie business not only the music business. Sadly, only a very few of my friends know what I am capable of or what I do with my free time, engaging with my passions - making fruits of my produce.

I view life with this simple proverb I have made, "The beauty of life is not the world we see, but the thoughts we think." The challenge I often face is, "Yesterday is a lesson for today, and today is a practice for tomorrow."

After college, I look forward to two things: 1) study in a university of arts and music abroad, if not, 2) I would just have to wait, and study another course, which I still have to find/choose.

To summarize myself, I am just a passionate dreamer who hopes for things to happen, but I often get frustrated for waiting.

The untitled music, hoping to be turned into a song, moves me. (Taken from my Multiply, dated Apr 26, '08, original title: I feel an inspiration..)

I stood facing my keyboard. Paused. I thought of God's love and my love to him. I thought of making a song out of it. I started playing RE-MI-FA# with Bm, RE-MI-FA# with A, RE-MI-FA# with G, then another RE-MI-FA# with D. Then the song flowed through my fingers as I improvised/played with those first notes. Thus the song just came. Unlike before, I usually had words in mind then the melody, but this time was new, melody then song. I recorded the song in the keyboard as I played it again. Then I listened to my work. I started to feel an inspiration like I didn't make the song and wished that could play it. However, the only thing there was, I did play the song, even made it.

The song was not only the work of my fingers, but that an awesome power led me to play the song. I started the lyrics with these words, "Do you love me...." There, but only up to that. The "me" there could be God or us. Problem, now, was the lyrics. I had nothing in mind yet, but only the idea: "Will you love my [God's] creation if you were blind? Sing praises to me if you were mute? Listen to me if you were deaf? Walk with me if you were lame? Do you truly love me? I answered all your prayers because I love you."

Whenever I listen to the melody over and over again, I thank God for always being with me and giving me a gift where I could share with him and tell the world of his love. Also, the more I listen to it, the more I can't wait to make the lyrics and sing and record it and hoping, I could share it with my friends.

[Improvise is like composing, except that you sit down with an instrument and begin playing anything like you have a song in mind, but the song still have not existed.]

Dislikes and frustrations (Original journal from my Multiply, dated Apr 20, '08)

One nursing duty week, I can't stop myself from telling everyone that the week (not only that week, but the rest of my nursing student life) would really be a struggle for me. I am always losing my patience everytime I have my duty. As I come home after duty, frustrations always come after. Everyone (mostly at home) would always taste my rage. I get frustrated because I dislike nursing and, of course, I am tired from the day's work. I ask everyone to pray with me that I would be able to live or survive nursing for my last 12 months and no more. And that my patients would be just 1/day, and that the patient would be almost quite fine already or not at all morbid.

God knows I dislike nursing, and I know He wants me to finish it.

Nursing and other things would almost always be the root of my anger, frustrations, rage. However, these are hard to escape for they can never be left behind. I know rage is a weakness and I should never let this weakness forever dwell in me, but how? How could I ever try to control myself, when I, me of so little patience, always loses patience. God help me.

The Inner Turmoil In Me

I seek for LOVE.
I seek for CARE.
I seek for ATTENTION when it's not there.
But the more I seek them,
the more I don't want 'em.
I only know I have them
is when I don't expect for them.
But really, here's the paradox:
I don't want LOVE.
I don't want CARE.
I don't want ATTENTION when it is there.

(That's a subjective part of me.
The objective?
If you've read my past profile updates,
then those were my objective part of me.
If not, then halfly you don't know me.)

I need your LOVE.
I need your CARE.
I need your ATTENTION to know who I am.
But your LOVE, you have not given.
Your CARE, you have not shown.
Your ATTENTION easily fades away.
So, I don't want your LOVE
nor do I want your CARE.
Your ATTENTION, I don't want,
for you forget me.

It hurts to be neglected.
Hurts when "left behind",
"left out", "unwanted", "unheard".
Pains when I show my self
and you never notice.
If not, you lend your apathy on me
like I don't deserve to be known.

Will I just be forever quiet,
mysterious and unsought
for who I am, remain dormant,
and just be a NOBODY?

The Truth has set me free (My testimony on salvation and baptism)

I had been doubting my salvation for I had not experience a tremendous change like those who shared a very wonderful testimony. They said, after they received Jesus into their life and had given their life in exchange for Jesus, their lives changed: They no longer did the bad things they had done before they had accepted Christ's salvation. They also had a "salvation birthday". As for me, I could never remember when I accepted Christ, but I did know that I was growing in Christ. I asked for Jesus when I was 10 years old, but really could not remember a change in me. When I was 15, I allowed God to take over me and that I would no longer "go against" Him or hate Him. I repented that I had hated God then for 4 months, acting like I was an athiest, hating God, wishing to kill anyone, hating everyone I know. God opened my eyes that what I had been doing was wrong by striking me with a sickness (super overfatigue) after I played songs that were supposed to praise Him, but I took that opportunity (piano-part) as a way of showing my self to everyone that I was a good pianist. And I was with so much pride, so He struck me sick. When I was 17 years old, during camping, I willingly committed my life for God's mission for me. By then, I became active in church with full willingness to serve God.

I was so in fury for God; but when pains, troubles, doubts came, I felt unright before God. I was even convinced that I was not saved for I had not experienced a tremendous change and could not even remember much of the experience except the ones mentioned above.

However, I thought that if ever I was not God's own, how could I ever have thanked God before and many times that I was His own, that he saved me, that I was His child, and for the experiences that I had with Him? And when I tried to break the promise that I made before that I would never again "turn away" from God or hating God that I was in this pain, I thought if I would turn from God, I would also have turned away from the Truth, the knowledge that God had vested on me. And if I turn away from the Truth and turn to the Lie, then my life would utterly be meaningless, without direction. Everything that I had known would be useless. What if God was really real? Then I would have made a fool of myself. And what of my experiences? I experienced God a lot of times. What if they were only emotions? Would I believe in God just because I felt good when I was with Him and learning a lot from Him? Therefore, I was assured that my salvation is true and sealed that I was God's own and will always be.

Another doubt that came to me was my baptism. Many times I felt so awkward answering people that I was baptized whenever they asked me. Also, many times I was assured I was baptized. However, the doubt came to me again when I was again asked if I was baptized. This really troubled me a lot.

I grew up in a family who attends a church, which had the sacrament of baptism and confirmation, but this church was not a catholic church though they did practice those sacraments. For so long I thought I was baptized, also thinking that my confirmation was also baptism with water (sprinkling). Therefore, I really thought that I was baptized and even took part in the bread and wine with fellow baptized Christians. However, because I often felt awkard about my baptism, doubted about it, and also thought about those who also experienced baby baptism and confirmation had baptized again in the Truth and the knowledge of the Truth, I sought for the truth of my past: I found a copy about the practices of my family's old church and read it. I also found out that the church had similarities with the catholic church based on my teaching in my college because that school was jesuit. Because I then doubted whether there was sprinkling happened, I asked my parents how did my confirmation go. Was there sprinkling of water involved? The answer was no. There was no sprinkling involved, but just laying of hands. So, there it was, my memory deceived me.

If I would just keep this newfound truth of my past and besides many people had already thought that I was baptized, then I would also be deceiving them. I was already deceived by my past, will I deceive God's people also when God had already shown me the truth? God showed me the truth then why could I not show His people also?

I felt bad. I had granted shame on myself already: telling people I was baptized, taking part with bread and wine, serving in the ministry acting like I was already baptized. Even though this mistake would be a big turn-off on my part, I should accept it and share the truth. Even when I was only a victim of my past, still I made the mistake.

I thank God he showed me the truth. I may feel bad, still I thank Him for showing me so I would also not commit more mistakes.

Thank you, God for your awesome power and love in me.

Being alone gives space to grow????

Hah!
I've been alone for soooooooo long. I still have not grown.

I am 20, but still feels like 15 who wishes to be 6.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh---I don't know anymore....


I don't know.


i dnt kno


i dunno






know no more......







I don't want to grow up. Grow old? Fine with me. But grow up? Change is hard. Change is painful.

People say i've changed. But the more I've known I've changed, people are now the ones drifting far from me when I was the one drifting from them before when people were trying to get through me.

So what is it with change? how should I change for the better that the scale should be balanced and never outweigh or underweigh anything?


Am I getting "loud" enough already? What's wrong with my change? Am I too much in showing myself to everyone who I really am? I don't want to keep to myself who I am for if I do, I rather not exist.
But when I start and keep showing myself, people drift away from me. WHAT IS IT WITH ME THAT PEOPLE SHOUD BECOME SO INDIFFERNT AFOUND ME?


Or am I just imagining myself that people are doing the things that I think they're doing? I don't know because it's really just what I feel when I am with them.

See! I really rather have no mind, so I would stop thinking and feeling.

If not, amnesia. so i would forget the people i've known and forget the past and everything the past brings.


I am an escapist....
I escape because I don't want to hurt nor be hurt, times are painful. Also, I escape to lessen the troubles and mishaps.



>What can God do to me, but teach me a lesson. Make me whole.
But I don't feel whole myself, I fell I am really breking to pieces.
>But God first break me so he can remake me.
Why should these be painful?
>So he can comfort me.
Where is God? Because I could not take these things anymore like nursing.
I mean, why nursing?
I am not a "chatty person" like those nursing people. I am not a "people person". I only do my "duties" for performance's sake. I mean, I really don't want to do I've been doing in nursing. Such stress. Destroys my health a lot. Pains my life, additionally. Way different from my personality.


AHHHHH! I'm just being overwhelmed with a lot situatioons in different areas in my life and I don't know to deal with them nor can I really cope with them for a very long time. How long should I face them?
>As long as I learn my lesson..................






......



too much!!!


too much is never enough?




....


@#&%!!!


...

Am I fine? Am I ok? No, am not. Oh! I just wish I was somewhere else, someone else.

If only I don't have a brain, so I would not have trouble too much thinking and no longer being able to feel.
I don't want anymore of everything.
I am getting crazy. So what!
I wish I don't have to have the trouble of everything.
Why should I think?
Why should I need people?
Why should I need me?
Why should I have to face everyday of every day?
I am losing myself. So?
I just could not stand being NOT able to *whatever* what I am having now.
"Intimacy vs Isolation" Ahhhh!
I have had it with psych. I don't believe what those psych people theorize. Just a theory and never a fact. I have had it with nursing. Why do I have to pass? I know it's easy to fail. But I rather fail by my own effort/inteligence.
Why should I suffer in this filthy bedroom when it's not a room at all? Really messy and dusty with no glass windows on. I have to suffer another year without glass windows. I have to suffer my health when the air/breeze/atmosphere is polluted.
So what if I air out my complains and my bad feelings. So what!

so what...

hai..

living...



worthless money...


pitiful days...




wandering times...






unwholly family....





idly alone...





"Anything I can help?"
Duh! Nobody wants my help when I want to help. Seems like people don't hear me asking, offering my help. So! I guess, I'd just be idly alone........................................





@&%#!!!
...


......

What of it? Just an insight.

"Christians" critic other "Christians".

What is it with these people? All of us Christians are brothers and saints of the Living Lord. Why do we critic our saintly brothers when we have the same basis of manual, the Bible? These people criticize themselves according to what others do and act and understand the Christian way of life. I get confused whether to believe them or the other. Real and upright Christians are called to unite, not to fight against another. We know there are those who call themselves Christians, but are really not for they do not live the words of God. They are only Sunday christians or part-time christians, which, of course, not a Christian at all.

I know that Christianity is not a religion, but the world has misinterpreted that Christianity is a sect and like other religions. This is the reason why few people find Christ for the world made such cliches on God's understanding of Christianity. Being Christian is not only a title but also a name of a commitment that we have taken that we are called as adopted children of God. Christianity is not a religion; it is a relationship that we have taken to get to know the real God, the God of the Bible. A relationship that we should not break or else we forever be condemned.

People of God, I may be young, but I am still part of God's family. Understand one another and work with each other to bring the lost back to God and that is our mission (not to critic what others do unless they have gone beyond the Bible says, then you may rebuke them, judge them right according to God's Word). I no longer know which of you are right and wrong. Thus I would just keep to myself what I believe for I may also be right or wrong, but I know this: God is working in me as He is in you. Love one another and bear the burdens of each one of you.

I also have trouble understanding that you also think that the way you reach people is the right one when the other say there's is the right one. Here's what I know: all of us have there own way of reaching people but not one way can actually touch the hearts of these people. The world is vast and all experience differently. All of us are different; therefore, not all you reach can work with just one way of reaching the people. Ways like: bullhorn preaching, giving tracts from house to house, sharing testimonies, friendship evangelism, convict people with the disobedience of the ten commandments, convict people that God is love, convict people with the "end times" and the "judgment", convict people against evolution, and many more mays to reach people. One of these ways cannot always reach everyone of the people in these world. So, reaching would be better if we all learn the many ways of reaching to people. We just don't know that one of these is effective to someone and another to anyone. At least, we have planted a seed to that person's heart. If the person just really have a hard heart that we cannot plant on, his judgment is upon God. We have not failed, but he failed God; so, he may be forever condemned.

So you see, not one is better for everyone. Work with one another, but be careful with those who wear the mask of deception.

"Dis-Claimer"

How should I ever be confused? - Notes from May 11 07

Being a Christian may not be easy. There are skips and turns, ups and downs. Never be assured that once a Christian, life is a "piece of cake".

Here is what I wrote last May 11, 2007:

How can I be a witness of Christ when I am uncertain of myself?
How can I be an ambassador of Christ when I am not right with Him?
How can use a present experience of loneliness or difficulty to witness Christ?
I would feel like a hypocrite if I represent myself as God's child when I myself am not right with God.
How can I be forgiving and loveing? I don't know.
How do I know I have not forgiven? Have forgiven? Is it because I dislike being with the people that I ever thought I have forgiven them?
How can I be true to myself when out-house and in-house I am different in both? Which am I? Which of me is true and false?
I have been told I am arrogant and conceited. How and why? Am I really? Should I go back to my being inferior all the time when I am trying to gain myself superioirity? I no longer know how to go back as I was before. Besides, inferiority hurts because being inferior means always being left out, knows new things late, ignored much, feeling less important, inexistent, always feeling abused and tortured emotionally, always taken aback or taken advantage of.

"Dis-Claimer"

I have a mind of my own. Whatever I have written here, depends on how you and I see things and know from each of our understandings. I may be liable to your confusion and troubles, but that would depend on how you deal with yourself. I am under God's judgment and His judgment shall be true and sealed. Comment, for you may. This blog is open for praises and critics.