Asperger Syndrome - Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation - FamilyLife.com

Asperger Syndrome - Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation - FamilyLife.com

You don’t have to be an expert on AS in order to help someone with AS. A good place to start is understanding what the Bible teaches about every person.

By Michael R. Emlet

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Max struggles to connect with others. He talks at people rather than with them. He has an obsessive interest in the weather and talks constantly about it.

Max is also socially awkward. He doesn’t look people in the eye when he speaks to them, and he seems unaware of the subtleties of verbal and nonverbal communication. When he gets anxious, it is not unusual for him to repeatedly tap his feet or hands. Those who know him view him as “odd” or as a “conceited geek” and, at best, tolerate him. He has no good friends.

Do you know someone like Max? Perhaps you recognize your child, your student, or your youth group member in the description of his struggles. A brief explanation cannot do justice to Max’s experience (or to others who struggle as he does), but if Max were evaluated medically he would possibly receive a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (AS).

How should you think about Max’s experience and diagnosis? And how can you help someone who has AS?

God, in the Bible, has many useful and hopeful things to say that will guide you as you relate to someone with AS. This article will approach Asperger Syndrome from the perspective of parents whose child has been diagnosed with AS, but these basic principles will help anyone who wants to understand AS from a biblical perspective.

What is Asperger Syndrome?

Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger first described the problem in 1944, but it was not until 1991 that the constellation of symptoms/experiences now known as Asperger Syndrome (or Asperger’s Disorder) became more widely known and accepted. In 1994 the American Psychiatric Association included the diagnosis in their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Since then, as many as one in 250 children and adults may meet the diagnostic criteria.[1] The medical community places AS in the same family of problems such as autism, what the DSM calls “pervasive developmental disorders.”

Those with AS have a difficult time developing good relationships, particularly with peers, for several reasons:

• Nonverbal communication struggles—children with AS have trouble expressing and interpreting nonverbal forms of communication such as eye contact, facial expressions, body postures, and gestures. They may miss or misinterpret subtle nonverbal cues that signal anger, irritation, boredom, or amusement in others, often leading to misunderstanding and conflict in relationships.
• Verbal communication struggles—unlike autistic children, those with AS can express themselves verbally, but they struggle to use these abilities wisely in the midst of conversations. They are better at communicating information about things they know than entering into the give and take of normal conversation.
• Lack of social or emotional reciprocity—AS children struggle to understand and relate to the feelings of others. This does not mean that they have no feelings; but that they have difficulty entering into another person’s experiences, emotions, and thoughts.

Children with AS are also intensely preoccupied with their chosen interest(s) or activities. Max’s consuming interest in all things relating to the weather is an example. In addition,

AS children prefer sameness and routine, and because of this, struggle with any change in their schedule. Often children with AS use repetitive motor mannerisms such as finger or foot tapping or hand/arm flapping.

Other symptoms and behaviors seen with AS include the following:

• Sensory integration problems (an unusually intense reaction to certain sights, sounds, smells, tastes, or odors).
• Auditory processing problems (difficulty filtering out background noise).
• Motor clumsiness.
• Difficulty with multi-tasking or following directions.

What causes AS?

The short answer is, we don’t know. Most researchers link AS to faulty neurological (brain) development, but there are no definite brain-based or genetic markers that uniquely distinguish AS from other autistic disorders (or from normal). People with AS do have a consistently diminished capacity to understand the desires, ideas, and feelings of other people. They find it exceptionally challenging to “be in another person’s shoes.” So, what might seem like a simple case of selfish, willful disregard of another person’s feelings or desires may in fact be a brain-based weakness that makes it more difficult for the AS person to “look not only to [their] own interests, but also the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4, ESV).

Approaching AS from a biblical worldview

You don’t have to be an “expert” on AS in order to help someone with AS. What the Bible teaches about every person will enable you to reach out wisely, compassionately, and truthfully to AS individuals. You and your AS child are alike in some very important ways.

• Image bearer: The Bible teaches that every person is an image bearer of the living God (Genesis 1:27). Each person is created to reflect the character and purposes of God in the context of our world (Genesis 1:28; Psalm 8:4-8). Knowing that Jesus came to renew the true image of God (Colossians 3:10; Ephesians 4:24), which was marred by the fall of mankind into sin, should encourage you that God can and will work in your AS child, just as He is working in your life.
• Worshipper: Bob Dylan was right when he sang, “You gotta’ serve somebody!” The apostle Paul says the same thing in Romans 1:18-25. To be an image bearer is to know that God created you and requires you to worship and submit to Him. The essential question in your life is, who (or what) will you serve—the Creator or created things like power, control, comfort, money, sex, etc? Helping someone means encouraging him to orient himself toward God, submit to God’s rule and purposes, just as you do in your own life. This “levels the playing field” between you and someone with AS.
• Body/Spirit: God has created us as both material (bodily) and immaterial (spiritual) selves (Genesis 2:7; Matthew 10:28; John 3:6). This means that helping someone will involve spiritual issues as well as physical (or brain-based) issues. This does not mean you need to be a “spiritual professional” (like a pastor) or a “body professional” (like a medical doctor) to reach your AS child. Simply noticing where your child struggles to submit to God’s will and purposes, and where your child’s brain-based weaknesses contribute to that struggle will help her.
• Unique gifting: God affirms every member of the body of Christ as having unique gifts and an important function within the body (1 Corinthians 12). Ask yourself: “How might this person’s strengths benefit the body of Christ?” This avoids the temptation of assuming “different” is necessarily “bad.”

Being aware of these basic similarities will help you to minister in a balanced and holistic way—having compassion and patience for the body/brain-based differences characteristic of AS and encouraging the AS person spiritually, to make choices that honor God and others.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

Helping your AS child means making biblically wise distinctions between spiritual/sin issues (the realm of the heart) and bodily or brain-based issues/differences and addressing each accordingly. What does this look like in practice?

ADDRESSING BRAIN-BASED WEAKNESSES

Remember that not everything socially “odd” is sinful! Your child does need specific help to improve his social awareness and interpersonal skills, but beware of jumping to conclusions about what is sin and what is not. What appears rude (standing too close, not making eye contact, being bluntly honest) may well be more about neurological differences than a failure to love others well. So you should respond with compassion, not rebuke.

Be attentive to the ways AS strugglers experience their world. Here are some sample descriptions from those with AS I have counseled:

• “I get overwhelmed in large groups.”
• “I don’t get jokes until later.”
• “I tend to see the parts, not the whole.”
• “I misread what people are thinking and feeling all the time.”
• “It’s hard to change gears in the moment.”

These comments don’t necessarily suggest sin in the person’s action or motive. Recognizing these brain-based tendencies will help you to relate more wisely, prompting you to ask more questions and to listen to honest struggles.

Identify potential environmental distractions. It is challenging for people with AS to respond to the many verbal and nonverbal cues in their environment. They may react strongly to touches, smells, sounds, tastes, and sights that wouldn’t upset the typical person. So it is wise to consider, as you relate to your child, “Is there something going on in her environment that is distracting her and making it hard for her to listen?” If so, remove or modify the distraction. If that is not possible move your child.

Break complex tasks into bite-sized pieces. This may keep a child who struggles with prioritizing and multitasking from becoming overwhelmed and angry.

Recognize developmental level. Typically, AS children lag about three years behind their peers in social and emotional development.[2] A nine-year-old with AS may speak like an older child, but think and act more like a six-year-old in other ways. This will affect the way you praise, instruct, and discipline him. The younger the developmental age, the simpler and more concrete you need to be in your communication.

Use clear communication. Give simple directions in short, uncomplicated sentences. Avoid metaphor, slang, and figures of speech. Don’t use vague responses like “perhaps” or “we’ll see.” It is better to say, “I don’t know the answer to that question right now. Ask me again tomorrow.”

Seek training in social skills. This can be informal, in the context of your own family, or more formal, in the context of groups specifically geared toward helping children with AS improve their relational skills. (Look for more information on this in the “Frequently Asked Question” section below.)

ADDRESSING SPIRITUAL LIFE

Remember the ultimate goal. The goal of parenting an AS child is the same as parenting a non-AS child: to shepherd his or her heart in relation to the living God. Focusing on spiritual life involves more than addressing sinful behavior! It also includes teaching, instruction, and encouragement (“Here’s how I saw Jesus at work in your life today.”).

Encourage them to value the input of others. One particular area for growth in AS children is learning to receive and value the feedback and input of others. Since AS children struggle to see life from any perspective except their own, this requires great patience. But if an AS struggler can learn to trust those who love him and receive their feedback, offered with consistency and grace, it can be a productive way of learning. “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future” (Proverbs 19:20).

Don’t ignore sinful behavior. A person with AS is still called to obey the first and second great commandments: Love God and love your neighbors (Luke 10:27). Don’t forget, the same sinful motivations we all have at certain times—envy, the desire for power or control, fear of failure, desire for success, demand for attention, love of comfort, and desire for pleasure (among others)—are going to be active in the heart of an AS child as well. Most likely they will be a part (sometimes a large part) of what underlies some problem behaviors.

You can deal with sinful behavior in a variety of ways appropriate for your AS child. Sometimes you need to take immediate action (e.g. removing a child in the midst of a tantrum to protect other children). But you should also discuss with your child later why the behavior was wrong and what might have motivated it. Then it is important to encourage your child to ask forgiveness from Jesus and others (1 John 1:9; Matthew 5:23-24).

Seek opportunities for service in the body of Christ. AS children and adults are important members of the body of Christ and they should be encouraged to participate in the various ministries of the church. This deliberate “outward face” counters the social inertia of AS that often leads to isolation. Educating ministry leaders about AS is an important aspect of promoting involvement of AS individuals in the life of the church. Not all ministries of the church will be an appropriate match, but seek places where your child’s creativity, intelligence, and passionate knowledge of favorite subjects can be of benefit to the body.

I hope that this overview of AS helps to explain the struggles that your child has, but also gives you a hopeful framework for ministry to him that is sensitive to both his brain-based developmental differences and his spiritual life before God and others.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

My 10-year-old child has AS. What are some ways I can help him when I see him doing something wrong?

1. Keep calm and be aware of your facial expressions and tone of voice as you speak with your child. Remember, AS children have difficulty reading both verbal and nonverbal communication. An angry scowl or a harsh tone of voice will only upset your child more.

2. Ask questions. Your son has particular reasons for his actions. Asking questions will help you to understand the deeper reasons for their actions—and you may find out that the motivation was not sinful at all (Proverbs 20:5). Of course, if your child is in the midst of a full-blown tantrum this will not be the time to ask questions, but to take calm, deliberate action (like picking him up and leaving the grocery store rather than attempting to reason with him).

3. Don’t overwhelm him with words. This is particularly true if he is in the middle of a tantrum. When things are calmer, find out why your child fell apart, ask simple questions that will uncover your child’s motivations, and then explain how to maintain control in straightforward, concise ways.

4. Don’t have the same expectations for obedience that you might have for a non-AS child. Be sensitive to what your son is capable of—otherwise you might exasperate him. Just as you parent a 12-year-old differently than a three-year-old, so you also have to tailor your parenting to your son’s abilities and level of maturity. He is called to love God and others, but the specific contours of that obedience will be different for him because of his abilities and developmental age.

Can you give me some specific ideas on how to help develop social skills in my eight-year-old child who has AS?

·Helping your child develop better social skills is very important, but remember how hard this is for her. Ask God to give you and her patience. Training an AS child in social skills will vary depending on the age of the child, but a lot of the basics will be the same, no matter what the age. Here are some practical, concrete things you can do that will help her:

1. Teach her simple rules of social engagement. Many of these things we take for granted. You may not remember having to formally learn them. But for an AS child who does not have the innate ability to relate socially it is important to be very proactive. What might some of these “rules” look like?

• When someone greets or talks with you, try to glance at their eyes as much as you can.
• Stand no closer than 36 inches away from someone when talking with them.
• When someone compliments you, respond with “thank you.”
• When approaching a group of children, here are some things you could say to help you join them: “Hi, what are you playing?” “That looks like fun. Can I join you?” etc.
• Discuss appropriate ways of greeting different people. For example, a kiss might be appropriate for an immediate family member, but a handshake would be appropriate for a stranger.

2. Learn to take turns in conversation. Practice the “back and forth” of normal conversation, which includes asking questions or making a comment based upon what a person has just said.

3. Recognize and rate emotions. For a younger child, simple pictures of a smiley face (happy), a sad face (sad), a scowling face (mad) can be used to identify emotional states within themselves and others. For older children, using pictures in magazines and books or play-acting different emotions in front of a mirror may help.

4. Use books and movies as launching points for discussing what characters might be thinking or feeling in a particular situation. This will help your daughter to recognize another person’s state of mind, something that does not come naturally to her.

5. Schedule social experiences that are brief and more structured. A parentally supervised one-on-one play time with a peer is likely to be a better experience than a group birthday party. As your child matures socially, she can work her way up to longer social interactions.

6. Use resources that are specifically designed to help develop social skills. Two examples are Carol Gray’s books, Comic Strip Conversations and The New Social Story Book.

7. Try enrolling your child in a social skills group. This is a more formal option, but it will put your child with other children who are struggling and they can work on learning social skills together.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Neither of these resources is written from a Christian perspective, but they are full of helpful, practical suggestions that discerning believers can adapt for their own use:

The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, by Tony Atwood. Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2007.

The O.A.S.I.S. Guide to Asperger Syndrome: Advice, Support, Insight, and Inspiration, by Patricia Romanowski Bache and Barbara L. Kirby. New York: Crown Publishers, 2001.

© Copyright 2010 by the Christian Counseling & Education Foundation. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

MICHAEL R. EMLET, M.Div., M.D., practiced as a family physician for 12 years before becoming a counselor and faculty member at CCEF. He is the author of many counseling articles, booklets, and books, including Asperger Syndrome and OCD: Freedom for the Obsessive Compulsive.

---

[1] Patricia Romanowski Bashe and Barbara L. Kirby, The O.A.S.I.S. Guide to Asperger Syndrome (New York: Crown Publishers, 2001), 12.

[2] Bashe and Kirby, 306.

A Home Quote

"A home is not a house. It is not just a place where we rest and reside. It is a place in the hearts of our loved ones. A home is a family, biological or not. A place where we feel safe, loved, and always welcome."

Dear God (Aug 22, 2010)

Dear God,

I don't know how you've engineered me. I don't know your plans. I have heard I shouldn't be aware of myself but be aware more about you.

I don't know you. I don't always get to hear from you or feel a touch from you. I have read your Word and could remember where a verse is placed. I could recite and decipher, but I fail to incorporate verses when faced with troubles. I don't know or I may have forgotten how to be intimate with you.

I have been told that you could never allow something to happen to me if I don't really like it. However, I doubt that because how come I am still haunted by it again and again? How come I'm still facing that something which I really hate?

Now, I am actually doing videos with payment. However, I seem like I want out from it. Maybe because of the feeling of pressure which I don't like. Am I not to avoid some things that is overwhelming me? How come I am always faced and couldn't stay away from the things that overwhelms me?

God, it's too much. Whenever I am overwhelmed, my mind narrows. I couldn't widen it so I could think or focus on you and your Word. My mind narrows that it could only focus forward on the overwhelming situation. I try looking back thinking maybe I can escape yet all I could see is a long dark tunnel.

Things that overwhelm me with pressure and I end up weary:

Nursing/hospital works

School/grades

Work/deadlines

People/socialzing and fitting in

Following orders/inability to do them well properly

God, how can I get focused on you when I always forget about you? I distract myself with things that I could easily reach and do. I don't know how to distract with you. Sometimes I wish that I'm taught more about you and your ways, and less of your acts, less of what I am supposed to act like as a Christian.

I couldn't even call myself as a Christian without being ashamed because aside from doctrine and the gospel of your birth and death here on earth to save us from our sins, I still don't understand that. Your Word says you love me. Even from my mother's womb you know my name. You love me that you even let me come to be conscious of you. I can't even turn back from the Truth because you've let me know you are Truth.

God, I'm lost. Save me from everything. From being overwhelmed and from being unable to understand the gospel and your Love no matter how much I know your Word. Save me.

Dear God (Aug 6, 2009)

Dear God, there is not a day you forget me. Not a day you give up on me. Not a day you leave me. These mood swings are part my personality. When I'm up and high, may I be happy enjoying your blessings. When I'm down and low, may I remember your goodness, remember those days you made me feel your presence.

Dear God, I thank you for this smile of mine. The smile can be the worst lie I could make. People may see me so happy because of the smile but nobody can see the person crying deep inside, deep beneath that smile. I still thank you for the smile for even in worst times, I can smile. Others have a hard time to just smile, but a smile shows the meaning of my name and the treasure you set me. A smile can make things light. Yet a smile is all I can offer to this weary heart.

Dear God, there are just a lot of down times I don't understand. Downs I am not sure of. Downs I can't talk about. Downs I can't describe.

Dear God, I know, you know more than I do. And I thank you.

Dear God, the days don't stop, don't rewind, don't (thank goodness!) fast forward. But what more can I ask for, what more I can't wait for, but that day, the time I am ready and you take me home to be with you. It may seem weird to be asking for death but death to me is life.

Dear God, set before me your plans. Set before me your goals. Set me the person you will me be.

Dear God, I don't want to stop thinking of you even in times I feel like giving up and pessimistic. I don't want to be relying on others to fill my needs. Things are temporary out here and you know how fearful I am. Fearful of broken or faded relationships. Fearful of growing up. Fearful to live long. Fearful of almost everything. I still want you more than I want your people. Yet I thank you for the particular persons you have sent me through these years. Some painful, some vanished. Some grateful, some fulfilling. And some, I thank you so much that if only I could measure the universe and scale how much I thank you for that.

Dear God, if only these things last, but I know, there are new things in every new stages in life, and you have new in store for me. 21 or not. I'm just me....me engulfed by you.

Dear God, thank you for letting me have a relationship with you.

Do I have Aspergers? Or this is just another of my delusions?

Your Aspie score: 148 of 200

Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 52 of 200

You are very likely an Aspie

This is a diagram of how I may be an Aspie. I took this quiz from http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php.

If I am to go back to my early years, I don't remember anything much. Everything is just a blur. I thought that being able not to remember my past may be because of trauma: separation from mother at an early age, physical beatings, verbal abuse, inconsistent show of love (pain from the spanking and immediate soothing). I was a crybaby as was told. Mother didn't like my crying so she would just pass me around esp. to my Father.

I don't know if I'm close with my Father or not but I know I'm more comfortable with him than my Mother. I can initiate touches with him but not my mother. I always feel awkward when with my mother or going out with her.

Aspergers first came to mind when I read an article that schizoid and aspergers have similar traits. I took the ASQ, I scored 38. Took the EQ, I got 18. I still score high on borderline and schizoid. I didn't think I was an asperger until I started having misunderstanding with my counelor because I was becoming clingy. She said we need healthy distance. Don't know what she meant by healthy distance except I understood it as isolation or my detach-attach cycle. I had that cycle before I met my counselor and referred to a psychiatrist.

And I'm very confused. How come I cannot do the things which she told me to do? It's hard to control my negative thoughts and emotions. How come I'm different from people when it comes to understanding socializing and conversations? I'm already diagnosed having Borderline and Schizoid PD. I have thought that my talents were brought by these disorders.

I asked my Doctor if schizoid is similar to aspergers. He said they are very different. That at the age 9, an asperger would become retarded. While a schizoid don't like to be in a social group. At first, I thought he may be thinking Autism. But when I mentioned the word Autism, he still said the same on aspergers. I didn't tell him about it any further. But was still confused.

I may have unusual skills and abilities and have been identified as weird, unique, different, genius. I enjoy learning. I have a lust for knowledge. In my later elementary years and high school, I like to be in the library every lunch time to read: fictions and science books.

When I was young, I don't think I have problems with dressing up or tying my shoes. I had a boy best friend at age 4 but they moved afterwards. I didn't have anymore close friends after him. Most of my playmates were boys. I don't like to play house with girls. I like guns, cars, and toy soldiers more. i hate Barbies. But when we moved, my neighbors were mostly girls. So I learned to play Barbie and house with them and I always volunteered to be the baby though I was the eldest. I still hate Barbies. I have a collection, gifts to me, but I hate them. As we grew, we now play water gun wars, basketball, and biking, and I like all of them. But when I entered high school, I barely go out with them.

I don't have much friends in school. I have always thought I'm okay on my own. Until in my 2nd yr High school, my Grade 5 Sunday School teacher (who later became my 1st yr HS Bible study leader, then later my first counselor and first friend) came to me and said I was a loner. The first time I heard that word. At home, I was having bad times with my mother. I learned to share and be open with my counselor-teacher-friend. But a year later, she found out I was weird and clingy. She just disappeared from being my counselor. Though I saw her every week in church, I didn't talk to her anymore.

I learned to make friends and be open with my classmates when my counselor came. But when she disappeared, I vowed myself, I would no longer be friendly or make friends. A few of my classmates hated me. I hate myself, too. But because I didn't want people to hate me. I started to be friendly again. But being with people was always a hardwork for me. I never go out much in high school, only have I done it before graduation. The whole batch was always going out before and after practices and thought that "if college would be like this, I want to try it out." So I went out with them.

I never liked kisses, touches, and hugs. But the first good sensation from touch was from my first counselor. I felt her kindness and care from her embraces. But when she disappeared, I never liked or had that kind of touch again. Whenever I had a headache or a stomachache, I never want people to show their sympathy by hugging me because I hurt more.

In college, it was hard to maintain friendship with people especially I got to have different classmates every semester. It was always hard to remember people's name and when had we met. I adore my first friend in college but we lost contact after we got separated in the next semester. I still call her a dear friend. There was one summer class which I had four of my highschool friends. Every day we go out together, eat together and study together. But one day, I missed studying on my own, so I went away from them alone. They were wondering where I went though. I was even coined as the "Batgirl" because I would suddenly disappear and suddenly appear. And they always had those surprised looks in them.

I miss all my old friends and I wish that when we meet, we would still have the same interactions as before. But that's far from happening. Whenever I meet or are with them, I'm quiet and feeling awkward at the same time because I'm not updated.

When it comes to concentration, I can only focus on subjects I am interested with. Like Math. I'm a visual learner. I score higher in visual-spatial. In school, if the teacher displays his lessons on the projection screen, I'd rather like it when he puts less words and more pictures. If the teacher puts the whole book or his outline on the projection screen and just read them. I'd rather not follow him and his lessons unless he not read it and would teach us right like he knows the lesson by heart. To me, a good teacher or speaker is one who knows what he's teaching by heart. There, I can listen attentively and concentrate.

I also have a photographic memory.

In conversations, I'm the shy, quiet one. I talk only when in areas I have interest with. Because if they let me talk in other things I have no idea of, I can't talk. I don't talk much. I only talk when I can relate. I don't mind being always the listener but I do mind people to listen to me when I talk. When I talk, it's mostly sermon-like. One time, I was told that whenever I talk they always find themselves listening attentively.

I'm clumsy sometimes. Before, I was even clumsier.

Last year, I need to have tinted eyeglasses because bright lights are becoming a headache. I have astigmatism. I don't know if this photosensitivity is part of aspergers. When I was younger, I don't mind being exposed under the sun. But now, I don't like to be under the sun because it burns my skin. I am having more allergies (food, dust, sun) when I started college. About my auditory, I can hear very soft sounds, it can be irritating, esp. very loud sounds like being under or near a school bell. I don't like cars honking infront of me.

I like Math. I like Chemistry. I graduated high school with the highest score in Math. In college, I got A's in Chemistry. I like patterns and figures. I like photography but I don't photograph patterns, I don't know why, I only like to look at them and adore the shapes. I do video editing. The only person who does video editing in church. I'm a musician. Music was my life. I play the piano well. People get frustrated when they see me play. What they do not know, I also get frustrated when someone plays so well because I think of myself that I don't play so well. I'm intellectual but ignorant about life and society.

In a flatboard or tiles, I like the irregular shapes and would look if there is a familiar shape like a man, a duck, etc. I always like that. I'm fascinated by it. However, when it comes to license plates, I'm bothered to always find myself staring at those plates and store signs, etc. I get to remember them easily as well. It was so grave before except now that I learned to always shift my gaze from them. I told my psychiatrist this recently (after two years from first diagnosed) and he mentioned obsessive-compulsive. Told him I am not OCD. He believes not also. But I am thinking of aspergers, but didn't tell him that after he gave me a wrong explanation of aspergers.

In college, I was found depressed. I didn't like my course and having a hard time with the society and still was bothered with the situation with my first counselor. My Grade 5 computer teacher-Grade 6 Sunday school teacher-Baptismal teacher became my new counselor. She noticed I may depressed and referred my to a professional. That was when I was diagnosed Borderline-schizoid. I always wonder about the schizoid part.

I'm a dreamer. I have my own world too. And I always get lost in reality. I always talk to myself. Even talk to someone not there. Like talking to a friend whom I know isn't really infront of me. However, this frustrates me, I can talk to the not-there-friend so well but when I talk to her in reality, I can't talk the way I practiced with her in absence.

Two years, I am with my counselor until two months ago, she thinks she couldn't help me anymore. Like I don't do what she tells me to. My doctor told me that I may just be resisting because I want her attention.

Yeah, I want her attention. But I also want to be better. However, what she tells me to do is beginning to be very difficult.

She told me that I'm very sensitive to people's actions towards me but I'm insensitive to my actions toward them. I don't understand.

I was said that I'm very blessed to have people come to my life but I don't seem to notice until told.

My mother said she loves me, and she doesn't know if I know that. I try to know my family loves me but I don't get it.

I love my family. I love my counselor. I love my friends. But it seems like love is just a dream.

My counselor can touch me but deep inside, I still feel that uneasiness but I still just let her. But I'm very okay to initiate it myself but always scared to do it thinking they may not like me hugging them.

I may have friends but I'm not always with them. My friends are mostly from church. I really don't have a group to call my own until one Sunday, I heard like I'm part of the Sunday group. The Sunday group includes mostly the middle-aged, as old as my parents. I'm okay with them. I can talk to them but not always. I play Word Factory with them and I always win. It's like I can level with their thoughts. I learn from them too. Of course, one of them is like a walking encyclopedia. Another is an architect. Both are single middle-aged men. The rest, well, normal. However, sometimes I think they're babysitting me. At least, now I know where to go with on Sundays when I want to go out: with them. But on weekdays, I'm mostly by myself and my computer. After socializing, I always find myself exhausted and depressed. Depressed because a good time has passed away. Exhausted because I don't know. After every Sunday out with people, I always make Monday a day to recuperate and I don't like to go out with people on Mondays.

I don't naturally fit with gender stereotypes. People have mistaken me to be lesbian. But I'm 100% girl. My counselor just told me I have to learn to dress more feminine. I may not dress like other ladies or like the media but I'm still a girl. Most clothes in my wardrobe are just shirts and jeans. I would only dress very lady-like on occasions. And if only I have more social activities and is working, then I wouldn't worry dressing on regular days.

Many have thought I don't have problems with the society because they've seen me okay with people. First, I improved like my counselor said. Second, I learned that being with people might help me a lot and lessen depression. Third, I couldn't stay home longer, I get nervous and may even get depressed. Fourth, I want to experience and know love and learn people and learn my environment and stay away from my own world which gives me nothing. However, being with people is always hardwork and tiresome. I still couldn't maintain relationships. I still couldn't understand people. I still couldn't relate to people. I'm still odd around people. I think I'm just using them just to make myself feel good inside.

Right now, I'm confused and disturbed about everything. About life in the society. About my relationship with my couselor. About people may be just using me for my abilities and freetime because I'm not employed, still planning to study accountancy after graduating nursing because I hate it, I don't know how to care people. About if there really is future for me. About being understood. About being normal in my spiritual walk with God and still be exceptionally different in His family.

In Christ, I have a future. In Christ, I have peace. In Christ, I'm well. But where is Jesus Christ? I know a lot about the Bible, I know God's acts, but I'm not sure if I know His ways. And I still don't understand or the teachings being taught to me are so fast I couldn't catch up. I want to be better. God says build my relationship with Him. I should stop seeking people and start seeking Him.

I'm not bothered with my diagnoses nor Aspergers. I'm just bothered with me in the society. Bothered how come I'm so different, being so difficult. Bothered with being misunderstood. If ever I have Aspergers, I would praise God, finally I'm well and properly diagnosed then I'll be properly helped maybe. If I don't have Aspergers, please God HELP me. Or better, God just take me away from here.

I'm frustrated because if only I was found earlier, I may then be treated differently. Be treated for who I am not for who I'm not. I may be 22 but I don't feel, think, or act 22.

Am I seeking for a diagnosis? I just seeking to be understood.

I am clingy, but special?

In the dictionary, the word clingy means, "apt to cling; adhesive". Special means, "unique or specific to a person or thing; surpassing what is common, usual or expected; adapted to or reserved for a particular purpose".

However, sometimes the dictionary doesn't tell us exactly what these words mean, exactly what we want to hear. Knowledge doesn't tell us accurately but wisdom could explain it well for us. I lack wisdom. I may have acquired tons of knowledge from this world but haven't learned a lot about this world I'm living.

Clingy. Why do I have a clingy behavior? What is a clingy behavior? What is clingy? People hate clingy people. Why? Because they feel smothered by this kind of persons, just as the books/articles/journal say: "Being clingy comes off as being needy and is a real turn off." "This comes off as clingy behavior because you "need" their acceptance and approval before making a move."? What makes me clingy? What have I done to have lost my significant other/s? Am I really doing that beyond the need for acceptance and approval? Well, what would they expect from someone like me who trusted her significant other/s? I don't understand.

Special. What makes me so special? My significant other/s keep on saying that. "[I] can't be like everybody else because [I'm] different, [I'm] special." "[I'm] a special girl". But they don't treat me like I'm special. I'm treated less than special, even less than normal. I just recently have felt like I'm a scum to the universe. I don't belong here. I'm not welcome. So what is special? What do they mean about special?

So I'm Borderline. So what? I have inabilities to regulate my emotions. I make poor decisions and poor judgments. Have inconsistent moods. Also have poor or negative sense of self. Fear of abandonment. Not to mention, frantic and unstable relationships. So I'm also Schizoid. I fear to be misunderstood. I avoid people. I have an inability or a lack for trust. I have autistic or aspergers qualities. I fantasize. I am well-off working alone.

I avoid people because I am scared of them. I am scared to hurt others and be hurt myself. I am scared to trust because people betray. They hurt. They don't understand me. Some think they understand me but not enough to let me be myself. This is why I am afraid of attachments. I detach when I feel when I've gone enough attachments already and feel like I need my space back. That is me 2 years ago. But what has happened in that two years? I have thought I can have hope. I can change. I can be attached without being afraid. But I am clingy. I am cursed to be pushed away. Cursed to be left alone. Cursed to always be that loner, that introvert. Though, I have learned to be extrovertish, but I am still that introvert inside. It's in my system, being extrovert is not.

"The fact that people often do leave someone who exhibits this [clingy] behavior only proves to support their distorted belief that they are insignificant, worthless, and unloved." So it is true. I am unimportant and worthless junk who happens to have lived on for so long just to face those "cycles" to be pulled in but then, be pushed away. Paranoid ideation. So I am that paranoid? Because of what I think is what-I-think-is-true?

If I am understood to have this problem, then why among all the problems we faced, this is the one who wouldn't dare face? Could you have known or expected or even predicted that someday we'd meet this? Many times I talk about this. You know I'm scared of attachments. You know I'm scared to be "left behind". Is this what you call a test for me to face on my own without you bothering to touch it? I learned to be with people. You are my "bridge" to them. I learn to attach and trust you; then I learn to attach and trust others. I practice with you, so I can apply with them. But now I don't have you, and I also have lost them. I lost my trust in you, I lost my trust in them. I'm scared of you, I'm scared of them. I run from you, I run from them.

I am dependent. I'm sorry. I don't know my limits. I don't know boundaries. I don't know when is right to depend and when not. I don't know anything about living. If there is a subject in school about Living, then I would gladly enroll myself in there.

I am jealous. I don't know why other than reasons that she gets what I want. I want to be taught about the Bible and God, I beg from you for that but she gets it while I don't get an affirmation. I don't get the hugs and embraces you give to others. Well, I try to understand that or force myself to understand. Before, when you are still eager to give me those embraces, I am still scared. But now that I am not, you're insistent to not give me.

I WANT TO BE BETTER. I WILL BE BETTER. I WANT TO BE CALLED A RESOLVED BORDERLINE AND RESOLVED SCHIZOID.

But how can that be when I'm facing this so-called clingyness and I have to deal with the problem on my own?

You don't believe me. You don't like me. You don't understand. You don't listen to me. You don't ask questions why and why not; you just make a statement on your own. Wouldn't you allow me to also help you to help me by helping you understand me? You no longer know how to help me because you leave me out of it when you're busy trying to find answers and solutions. If I am the problem, couldn't I also be the solution? It seems that you think I am no good or I'm absolutely dependent on you for answers. I also try to find answers, not from you but from within me too.

"Where is God?" I don't know. You tell me where God is. "Two are better than one...[But] a cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (Eccl. 4:9a,12b) A form of a triangle, isn't a triangle a closed shaped? Doesn't God work that way in any "relationship"?

(plus, +) the doctor and your other "helps"

Or just because my form of thinking or my mind is distorted that I am not qualified to include myself with finding for answers?

I'm lost.

How to escape reality?

What dungeon am I in?

What maze is this?

What intersection did I cross?

What bottomless pit did I fall into?

What tunnel that goes deeper and darker am I entering?

How can I escape from this inescapable, incomprehensible, and dreadful course called reality?

Unhealthy Relationships with a Significant Other

What are some of the characteristics of an

unhealthy relationship with a significant other?

To My Inner Child/To My Dearest (video)

Here is a video presentation of a letter or a literary article I made last Aug2009. Linking to this post: http://sdsjournal.blogspot.com/2009/08/to-my-dearest-who-made-my-world.html

My Phobias and their Meanings

Agoraphobia - It is an irrational fear of crowded/public places or even leaving a safe place. Also known as demophobia and enochlophobia, the agoraphobic situations may include shopping, crowded places, traveling, standing in line, social gatherings and even being alone. "I still go to malls or other crowded places except I don't go near to crowds or people. I hate standing in long lines. I hate traffic jams. I would find where there are few people than a pack of people. In elevators, I can handle the closed space but can't when there are a lot of people in it, especially strangers."

Algophobia - It is an exaggerated and intense fear of pain. Also known as odynophobia or odynephobia, it's an anxiety disorder where the sufferer is scared of experiencing pain or seeing others experiencing it. "Fear of getting hurt and to hurt?"

Aphenphosmphobia - It is an unusual and weird fear of touching or being touched. Also known as aphephobia, chiraptophobia, haphephobia, haphophobia, hapnophobia, haptephobia, haptophobia and thixophobia, it is an intense exaggeration of the normal tendencies to protect one's personal space, expressed as a fear of contamination or of the invasion not only from strangers but also from known people. "Before, I transcribe touch as pain. Now, I'm still learning that touch can also mean love. I can now be touched but I'm still a bit selective and cautious. It's hard to trust people."

Athazagoraphobia - It is an exaggerated and intense fear of being forgotten, ignored or replaced. The person having this phobia may experience depression, anger and deliberate isolation even with a small thought of being forgotten or ignored.

Autophobia - It is an abnormal and intense fear of loneliness, solitude, of being alone or by oneself. Also known as cremophobia, eremophobia, isolophobia or monophobia, the person suffering from this phobia may experience anxiety and will always worry about being ignored or unloved. "In relation to my athazagoraphobia." Read more on: Fear of Abandonment.

Cleithrophobia - It is an abnormal and intense fear of being locked in an enclosed or confined place; also known as cleisiophobia or clithrophobia. "Imagined or real, whichever. I hate movies like Alice In Wonderland because I feel trapped. I hate places where I feel trapped. I hate sticking to scheduled activities because I feel trapped."

Decidophobia - It is an overwhelming and abnormal fear of making decisions. The person suffering from this phobia may actually fear making wrong decision and so is reluctant to make any decision at all.

Emetophobia - It is an intense and abnormal fear pertaining to vomiting or being sick. "I hate motion sickness. I hate getting sick when out of town or traveling. I always have to think before deciding to travel. Can I survive it? Can my body be saved from it? I wear loose clothing and a jacket, bring a lot of medicines, a bottle of water, a hand towel, a sunglasses, and always remember to bring my prescription glasses when traveling."

Ergasiophobia -It is an abnormal or unusual fear of work or functioning; also termed as ergophobia. A surgeon's fear of operating. "In my case, I fear working in the hospitals. I also don't like to work long hours nor during nighttime or dawn. I may not like field work as well. I prefer to work a desk job."

Gamophobia - Fear of marriage. "I don't know if this is my fear but I don't want to marry. I don't want to have kids. This could relate to my pedophobia and philophobia."

Heliophobia - It's an abnormal and intense fear of sun or sunlight. "My skin turns red and I itch. I get a headache. All when exposed to the sun."

Macrophobia - It is an abnormal and persistent fear of long waits. The sufferer may experience anxiety and discomfort when confronted with any situation that involves waiting for a long time. "I hyperventilate and my heart beats faster. In traffic jams, I try to find another route where there is less or no traffic. Same with standing in long lines."

Nosocomephobia - It's an unwarranted and abnormal fear of hospitals. The sufferers may refrain from going to hospitals. "In connection to ergasiophobia."

Ochlophobia - It is an irrational and morbid fear of crowds or mobs. "In connection to my agoraphobia."

Pedophobia -The phobia is related to fear of children, infants or childhood. Also called pediophobia or pediaphobia, the recognized outcomes of this phobia include paternalism, adultism, and by extension, ageism. "I hate kids. I envy kids. I get jealous of them."

Philophobia - Fear of romance. People who have a fear of falling in love or being in love, are said to be victims of this particular phobia. "I don't like the thought of sex and the affection brought by marriage."

Photophobia - People who are excessively sensitive to light and are averse to sunlight or well-lit places are known to have this phobia. It’s an abnormal sensitivity or discomfort towards light and is also defined as the fear of light. "In connection to my heliophobia. I don't like too much light. My eyes hurt."

Selenophobia - Fear of the moon. "I don't know why but I hate looking at the moon when it's full and bright and big."

Tropophobia - Fear of moving or making changes. "I have a hard time adjusting."

Xenophobia - Fear of strangers. "This also relates to my agoraphobia. Could this include fear of the unknown and the unfamiliar?"

FEAR OF UNCERTAINTY - "I don't know what it is called in phobia terms. But this could also relate to my decidophobia."

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your GOD will be with you wherever you go.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your GOD. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:13 For I am the LORD, your GOD, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 42:6 I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. . . .

God, can you be my Mommy? Can you be my Daddy?

I am at a fight with my own self. I wish to do these things (clean my room, read my Bible) but I always fail to do it. I hesitate, procrastinate, and even forget the things which I should have done earlier (email a couple of people, post demanded pictures, text a friend). Days, weeks, or months have passed and I still fail to do them. I have lost my diligence and initiative.

I am at a fight with my self. I still feel so alone even in the midst of friends. Talking or sharing to the ones who may be able to understand me is hard. I want to talk but they still seem so unreachable.

I am at a fight with my self. I am only at peace when I escape from my thoughts that are battling against me within me. I am at peace when I am on the computer. I am at peace especially when I just sleep out of the trouble. Not doing anything. Not minding it. Divert into a chasm of escape.

I am at a fight with my self. Who can help me? Who can stop me? Who can help me stop fighting with my self? Who can fight the battle for me? Who can save me?

I am at a fight with my self. I fail to have the habit of doing things. I fail to surrender wholly to God because I still have that something which I am holding onto that I couldn't figure out, and I don't know what it is.

I am at a fight with my self. I am hopeless. I don't have direction. I seem to have no future. Still glad to have friends who have told me, "It's normal to enter into uncertainty after graduating because they have entered it as well." That gave me strength a bit. But every day, seems to have no purpose. Every day, I do the same thing over and over meaningless things. Wake up. Computer. Lunch. Computer/sleep. Go out. Go home. Dinner. Computer. Could I just decay?

I am at a fight with my self. I am still hopeless. I have no future. I want to disappear. I wish carefree. Or I would rather want to leave home and have my own. Learn to live independently. Already living in my parents' house, I couldn't learn independence. I want a hands on experience. Or I want to give up this present life and start another.

I am still at a fight with my self. If only I haven't lived.

GOD HELP ME!

GOD PURGE ME!

GOD SAVE ME!

GOD HELP ME!

September Thoughts (2009)

"Gotta learn to ignite than to hold the ignition until KABOOM."
"Gotta stop knowing and be ignorant because I would never able to know everything."
"Gotta stop making perfect and start making mistakes."
"Gotta stop understanding myself for I never would."
"When I long to feel alive, pain makes it for me. It's within reach than love, which is just too good to be true."
"When I don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream."
"When doing death, really trying to do it, makes dreaming about it so ridiculous."
"I am a lazy, self-indulgent little girl who thinks something is wrong with her."
"I don't have what most people have. I don't seem to see that I have a lot of friends. I don't seem to know that I have what it takes to be a winner."
"When emotionally overwhelmed, we are blinded." - Howard Hia
"I'm stuck between two forces, but I tend to stick to the easy side when I really want to reach the far side, the difficult side, the meaningful side. However, I doubt if I could last in both sides, so I rock in such turbulence until I lose my balance. which always happen. When it does, I lose myself, I sit in the middle and start groaning, not knowing what to do because both sides seems satisfactory."
"I doubt Jesus can save me. I doubt He can help me."
"It's hard to see what you can't see, feel, or touch esp. believe in what you can't see."
"Gotta learn to accept failures and stop perfecting it. Never possible. Days just move forward and not back."
"I have a low self-esteem because I can't do better. People are better than me and I envy them."
"Every day is just another day to wait until it passes by....Can't wait 'til it becomes year 2109..."
"In desperation, we can do things unimaginable..."
"When nothing sophisticated to do or too lonely to live, my mind runs havoc."

Jesus Christ

So valiant and so strong

This Lord made no choices wrong.

Not one, not just two

But three crosses, tall they stood

On Golgotha they lay

In one Calvary day.

Three crosses He made each word for you

They say, "I love you."

Lady of SOME Youth

Surrounded by a crowd of people

The whole 18th floor is so full

All shades and sizes, corporate and casual

No one is left behind for this Ball

Dancing and singing

Gentlemen laughing

Chisms of ladies

Updates swarm like bees

But in one corner lay a lady

Dressed in lace and hair well kept

No one knew where she'd been or who's with her

She's all quiet and yet so beautiful

She cried, "Is no one ever going to ask me for a dance?"

Nobody heard her cute little voice in a room full of chatter

She tossed herself around the room wishing for a familiar face

Sadly, she knew most of the people, but no one seems to have seen her pass

"Everyone's here, and no one seems to be missing this ball..." she thought

Still she circled around hoping someone would invite her to join a flock

She then stayed in one table with a few good faces near the dance floor

They welcomed her in the table, even offered her a sit

The host formerly pronounced the start of the ball,

"Princesses, time to hang on to your dancing shoes

While the gentlemen, ahem, take your ladies, let's go swingin'..."

Every corner, every crowd, every table, every one is quick to the dancefloor...

Beautiful ladies, wearing their best clothes

Sparkling and glittering, the lights shine their glory

Men, men of old, men of youth, wearing their ties and bons

Handsome they appear, Gentle manly, they are dear

What about the lady, dressed-in-lace-and-hair-well-kept?

She's all sitting in that table alone and trying to enjoy the dance

"This will be over soon," she said.

But she didn't realize the ball is meant forever.

IMPLICATION:

18 is a number, yet not an uncommon number.

At 18, we get to decide independently. We have reached a LEGAL age.

At 18 is "Hello world!"

At 18 is "Byebye childhood."

At 18, hidden secrets, hidden gestures, hidden "rotten eggs" surface

At 18, people come, people go, bloom to experience

At 18, decide for the future, live the present, learn from the past

At 18, we get to learn who we are, who we might, what may become.

In the story, is a lady knowing loneliness in a world full of people...