Dear God (Aug 22, 2010)

Dear God,

I don't know how you've engineered me. I don't know your plans. I have heard I shouldn't be aware of myself but be aware more about you.

I don't know you. I don't always get to hear from you or feel a touch from you. I have read your Word and could remember where a verse is placed. I could recite and decipher, but I fail to incorporate verses when faced with troubles. I don't know or I may have forgotten how to be intimate with you.

I have been told that you could never allow something to happen to me if I don't really like it. However, I doubt that because how come I am still haunted by it again and again? How come I'm still facing that something which I really hate?

Now, I am actually doing videos with payment. However, I seem like I want out from it. Maybe because of the feeling of pressure which I don't like. Am I not to avoid some things that is overwhelming me? How come I am always faced and couldn't stay away from the things that overwhelms me?

God, it's too much. Whenever I am overwhelmed, my mind narrows. I couldn't widen it so I could think or focus on you and your Word. My mind narrows that it could only focus forward on the overwhelming situation. I try looking back thinking maybe I can escape yet all I could see is a long dark tunnel.

Things that overwhelm me with pressure and I end up weary:

Nursing/hospital works

School/grades

Work/deadlines

People/socialzing and fitting in

Following orders/inability to do them well properly

God, how can I get focused on you when I always forget about you? I distract myself with things that I could easily reach and do. I don't know how to distract with you. Sometimes I wish that I'm taught more about you and your ways, and less of your acts, less of what I am supposed to act like as a Christian.

I couldn't even call myself as a Christian without being ashamed because aside from doctrine and the gospel of your birth and death here on earth to save us from our sins, I still don't understand that. Your Word says you love me. Even from my mother's womb you know my name. You love me that you even let me come to be conscious of you. I can't even turn back from the Truth because you've let me know you are Truth.

God, I'm lost. Save me from everything. From being overwhelmed and from being unable to understand the gospel and your Love no matter how much I know your Word. Save me.

Dear God (Aug 6, 2009)

Dear God, there is not a day you forget me. Not a day you give up on me. Not a day you leave me. These mood swings are part my personality. When I'm up and high, may I be happy enjoying your blessings. When I'm down and low, may I remember your goodness, remember those days you made me feel your presence.

Dear God, I thank you for this smile of mine. The smile can be the worst lie I could make. People may see me so happy because of the smile but nobody can see the person crying deep inside, deep beneath that smile. I still thank you for the smile for even in worst times, I can smile. Others have a hard time to just smile, but a smile shows the meaning of my name and the treasure you set me. A smile can make things light. Yet a smile is all I can offer to this weary heart.

Dear God, there are just a lot of down times I don't understand. Downs I am not sure of. Downs I can't talk about. Downs I can't describe.

Dear God, I know, you know more than I do. And I thank you.

Dear God, the days don't stop, don't rewind, don't (thank goodness!) fast forward. But what more can I ask for, what more I can't wait for, but that day, the time I am ready and you take me home to be with you. It may seem weird to be asking for death but death to me is life.

Dear God, set before me your plans. Set before me your goals. Set me the person you will me be.

Dear God, I don't want to stop thinking of you even in times I feel like giving up and pessimistic. I don't want to be relying on others to fill my needs. Things are temporary out here and you know how fearful I am. Fearful of broken or faded relationships. Fearful of growing up. Fearful to live long. Fearful of almost everything. I still want you more than I want your people. Yet I thank you for the particular persons you have sent me through these years. Some painful, some vanished. Some grateful, some fulfilling. And some, I thank you so much that if only I could measure the universe and scale how much I thank you for that.

Dear God, if only these things last, but I know, there are new things in every new stages in life, and you have new in store for me. 21 or not. I'm just me....me engulfed by you.

Dear God, thank you for letting me have a relationship with you.