God, can you be my Mommy? Can you be my Daddy?

I am at a fight with my own self. I wish to do these things (clean my room, read my Bible) but I always fail to do it. I hesitate, procrastinate, and even forget the things which I should have done earlier (email a couple of people, post demanded pictures, text a friend). Days, weeks, or months have passed and I still fail to do them. I have lost my diligence and initiative.

I am at a fight with my self. I still feel so alone even in the midst of friends. Talking or sharing to the ones who may be able to understand me is hard. I want to talk but they still seem so unreachable.

I am at a fight with my self. I am only at peace when I escape from my thoughts that are battling against me within me. I am at peace when I am on the computer. I am at peace especially when I just sleep out of the trouble. Not doing anything. Not minding it. Divert into a chasm of escape.

I am at a fight with my self. Who can help me? Who can stop me? Who can help me stop fighting with my self? Who can fight the battle for me? Who can save me?

I am at a fight with my self. I fail to have the habit of doing things. I fail to surrender wholly to God because I still have that something which I am holding onto that I couldn't figure out, and I don't know what it is.

I am at a fight with my self. I am hopeless. I don't have direction. I seem to have no future. Still glad to have friends who have told me, "It's normal to enter into uncertainty after graduating because they have entered it as well." That gave me strength a bit. But every day, seems to have no purpose. Every day, I do the same thing over and over meaningless things. Wake up. Computer. Lunch. Computer/sleep. Go out. Go home. Dinner. Computer. Could I just decay?

I am at a fight with my self. I am still hopeless. I have no future. I want to disappear. I wish carefree. Or I would rather want to leave home and have my own. Learn to live independently. Already living in my parents' house, I couldn't learn independence. I want a hands on experience. Or I want to give up this present life and start another.

I am still at a fight with my self. If only I haven't lived.

GOD HELP ME!

GOD PURGE ME!

GOD SAVE ME!

GOD HELP ME!