Do I have Aspergers? Or this is just another of my delusions?

Your Aspie score: 148 of 200

Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 52 of 200

You are very likely an Aspie

This is a diagram of how I may be an Aspie. I took this quiz from http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php.

If I am to go back to my early years, I don't remember anything much. Everything is just a blur. I thought that being able not to remember my past may be because of trauma: separation from mother at an early age, physical beatings, verbal abuse, inconsistent show of love (pain from the spanking and immediate soothing). I was a crybaby as was told. Mother didn't like my crying so she would just pass me around esp. to my Father.

I don't know if I'm close with my Father or not but I know I'm more comfortable with him than my Mother. I can initiate touches with him but not my mother. I always feel awkward when with my mother or going out with her.

Aspergers first came to mind when I read an article that schizoid and aspergers have similar traits. I took the ASQ, I scored 38. Took the EQ, I got 18. I still score high on borderline and schizoid. I didn't think I was an asperger until I started having misunderstanding with my counelor because I was becoming clingy. She said we need healthy distance. Don't know what she meant by healthy distance except I understood it as isolation or my detach-attach cycle. I had that cycle before I met my counselor and referred to a psychiatrist.

And I'm very confused. How come I cannot do the things which she told me to do? It's hard to control my negative thoughts and emotions. How come I'm different from people when it comes to understanding socializing and conversations? I'm already diagnosed having Borderline and Schizoid PD. I have thought that my talents were brought by these disorders.

I asked my Doctor if schizoid is similar to aspergers. He said they are very different. That at the age 9, an asperger would become retarded. While a schizoid don't like to be in a social group. At first, I thought he may be thinking Autism. But when I mentioned the word Autism, he still said the same on aspergers. I didn't tell him about it any further. But was still confused.

I may have unusual skills and abilities and have been identified as weird, unique, different, genius. I enjoy learning. I have a lust for knowledge. In my later elementary years and high school, I like to be in the library every lunch time to read: fictions and science books.

When I was young, I don't think I have problems with dressing up or tying my shoes. I had a boy best friend at age 4 but they moved afterwards. I didn't have anymore close friends after him. Most of my playmates were boys. I don't like to play house with girls. I like guns, cars, and toy soldiers more. i hate Barbies. But when we moved, my neighbors were mostly girls. So I learned to play Barbie and house with them and I always volunteered to be the baby though I was the eldest. I still hate Barbies. I have a collection, gifts to me, but I hate them. As we grew, we now play water gun wars, basketball, and biking, and I like all of them. But when I entered high school, I barely go out with them.

I don't have much friends in school. I have always thought I'm okay on my own. Until in my 2nd yr High school, my Grade 5 Sunday School teacher (who later became my 1st yr HS Bible study leader, then later my first counselor and first friend) came to me and said I was a loner. The first time I heard that word. At home, I was having bad times with my mother. I learned to share and be open with my counselor-teacher-friend. But a year later, she found out I was weird and clingy. She just disappeared from being my counselor. Though I saw her every week in church, I didn't talk to her anymore.

I learned to make friends and be open with my classmates when my counselor came. But when she disappeared, I vowed myself, I would no longer be friendly or make friends. A few of my classmates hated me. I hate myself, too. But because I didn't want people to hate me. I started to be friendly again. But being with people was always a hardwork for me. I never go out much in high school, only have I done it before graduation. The whole batch was always going out before and after practices and thought that "if college would be like this, I want to try it out." So I went out with them.

I never liked kisses, touches, and hugs. But the first good sensation from touch was from my first counselor. I felt her kindness and care from her embraces. But when she disappeared, I never liked or had that kind of touch again. Whenever I had a headache or a stomachache, I never want people to show their sympathy by hugging me because I hurt more.

In college, it was hard to maintain friendship with people especially I got to have different classmates every semester. It was always hard to remember people's name and when had we met. I adore my first friend in college but we lost contact after we got separated in the next semester. I still call her a dear friend. There was one summer class which I had four of my highschool friends. Every day we go out together, eat together and study together. But one day, I missed studying on my own, so I went away from them alone. They were wondering where I went though. I was even coined as the "Batgirl" because I would suddenly disappear and suddenly appear. And they always had those surprised looks in them.

I miss all my old friends and I wish that when we meet, we would still have the same interactions as before. But that's far from happening. Whenever I meet or are with them, I'm quiet and feeling awkward at the same time because I'm not updated.

When it comes to concentration, I can only focus on subjects I am interested with. Like Math. I'm a visual learner. I score higher in visual-spatial. In school, if the teacher displays his lessons on the projection screen, I'd rather like it when he puts less words and more pictures. If the teacher puts the whole book or his outline on the projection screen and just read them. I'd rather not follow him and his lessons unless he not read it and would teach us right like he knows the lesson by heart. To me, a good teacher or speaker is one who knows what he's teaching by heart. There, I can listen attentively and concentrate.

I also have a photographic memory.

In conversations, I'm the shy, quiet one. I talk only when in areas I have interest with. Because if they let me talk in other things I have no idea of, I can't talk. I don't talk much. I only talk when I can relate. I don't mind being always the listener but I do mind people to listen to me when I talk. When I talk, it's mostly sermon-like. One time, I was told that whenever I talk they always find themselves listening attentively.

I'm clumsy sometimes. Before, I was even clumsier.

Last year, I need to have tinted eyeglasses because bright lights are becoming a headache. I have astigmatism. I don't know if this photosensitivity is part of aspergers. When I was younger, I don't mind being exposed under the sun. But now, I don't like to be under the sun because it burns my skin. I am having more allergies (food, dust, sun) when I started college. About my auditory, I can hear very soft sounds, it can be irritating, esp. very loud sounds like being under or near a school bell. I don't like cars honking infront of me.

I like Math. I like Chemistry. I graduated high school with the highest score in Math. In college, I got A's in Chemistry. I like patterns and figures. I like photography but I don't photograph patterns, I don't know why, I only like to look at them and adore the shapes. I do video editing. The only person who does video editing in church. I'm a musician. Music was my life. I play the piano well. People get frustrated when they see me play. What they do not know, I also get frustrated when someone plays so well because I think of myself that I don't play so well. I'm intellectual but ignorant about life and society.

In a flatboard or tiles, I like the irregular shapes and would look if there is a familiar shape like a man, a duck, etc. I always like that. I'm fascinated by it. However, when it comes to license plates, I'm bothered to always find myself staring at those plates and store signs, etc. I get to remember them easily as well. It was so grave before except now that I learned to always shift my gaze from them. I told my psychiatrist this recently (after two years from first diagnosed) and he mentioned obsessive-compulsive. Told him I am not OCD. He believes not also. But I am thinking of aspergers, but didn't tell him that after he gave me a wrong explanation of aspergers.

In college, I was found depressed. I didn't like my course and having a hard time with the society and still was bothered with the situation with my first counselor. My Grade 5 computer teacher-Grade 6 Sunday school teacher-Baptismal teacher became my new counselor. She noticed I may depressed and referred my to a professional. That was when I was diagnosed Borderline-schizoid. I always wonder about the schizoid part.

I'm a dreamer. I have my own world too. And I always get lost in reality. I always talk to myself. Even talk to someone not there. Like talking to a friend whom I know isn't really infront of me. However, this frustrates me, I can talk to the not-there-friend so well but when I talk to her in reality, I can't talk the way I practiced with her in absence.

Two years, I am with my counselor until two months ago, she thinks she couldn't help me anymore. Like I don't do what she tells me to. My doctor told me that I may just be resisting because I want her attention.

Yeah, I want her attention. But I also want to be better. However, what she tells me to do is beginning to be very difficult.

She told me that I'm very sensitive to people's actions towards me but I'm insensitive to my actions toward them. I don't understand.

I was said that I'm very blessed to have people come to my life but I don't seem to notice until told.

My mother said she loves me, and she doesn't know if I know that. I try to know my family loves me but I don't get it.

I love my family. I love my counselor. I love my friends. But it seems like love is just a dream.

My counselor can touch me but deep inside, I still feel that uneasiness but I still just let her. But I'm very okay to initiate it myself but always scared to do it thinking they may not like me hugging them.

I may have friends but I'm not always with them. My friends are mostly from church. I really don't have a group to call my own until one Sunday, I heard like I'm part of the Sunday group. The Sunday group includes mostly the middle-aged, as old as my parents. I'm okay with them. I can talk to them but not always. I play Word Factory with them and I always win. It's like I can level with their thoughts. I learn from them too. Of course, one of them is like a walking encyclopedia. Another is an architect. Both are single middle-aged men. The rest, well, normal. However, sometimes I think they're babysitting me. At least, now I know where to go with on Sundays when I want to go out: with them. But on weekdays, I'm mostly by myself and my computer. After socializing, I always find myself exhausted and depressed. Depressed because a good time has passed away. Exhausted because I don't know. After every Sunday out with people, I always make Monday a day to recuperate and I don't like to go out with people on Mondays.

I don't naturally fit with gender stereotypes. People have mistaken me to be lesbian. But I'm 100% girl. My counselor just told me I have to learn to dress more feminine. I may not dress like other ladies or like the media but I'm still a girl. Most clothes in my wardrobe are just shirts and jeans. I would only dress very lady-like on occasions. And if only I have more social activities and is working, then I wouldn't worry dressing on regular days.

Many have thought I don't have problems with the society because they've seen me okay with people. First, I improved like my counselor said. Second, I learned that being with people might help me a lot and lessen depression. Third, I couldn't stay home longer, I get nervous and may even get depressed. Fourth, I want to experience and know love and learn people and learn my environment and stay away from my own world which gives me nothing. However, being with people is always hardwork and tiresome. I still couldn't maintain relationships. I still couldn't understand people. I still couldn't relate to people. I'm still odd around people. I think I'm just using them just to make myself feel good inside.

Right now, I'm confused and disturbed about everything. About life in the society. About my relationship with my couselor. About people may be just using me for my abilities and freetime because I'm not employed, still planning to study accountancy after graduating nursing because I hate it, I don't know how to care people. About if there really is future for me. About being understood. About being normal in my spiritual walk with God and still be exceptionally different in His family.

In Christ, I have a future. In Christ, I have peace. In Christ, I'm well. But where is Jesus Christ? I know a lot about the Bible, I know God's acts, but I'm not sure if I know His ways. And I still don't understand or the teachings being taught to me are so fast I couldn't catch up. I want to be better. God says build my relationship with Him. I should stop seeking people and start seeking Him.

I'm not bothered with my diagnoses nor Aspergers. I'm just bothered with me in the society. Bothered how come I'm so different, being so difficult. Bothered with being misunderstood. If ever I have Aspergers, I would praise God, finally I'm well and properly diagnosed then I'll be properly helped maybe. If I don't have Aspergers, please God HELP me. Or better, God just take me away from here.

I'm frustrated because if only I was found earlier, I may then be treated differently. Be treated for who I am not for who I'm not. I may be 22 but I don't feel, think, or act 22.

Am I seeking for a diagnosis? I just seeking to be understood.

I am clingy, but special?

In the dictionary, the word clingy means, "apt to cling; adhesive". Special means, "unique or specific to a person or thing; surpassing what is common, usual or expected; adapted to or reserved for a particular purpose".

However, sometimes the dictionary doesn't tell us exactly what these words mean, exactly what we want to hear. Knowledge doesn't tell us accurately but wisdom could explain it well for us. I lack wisdom. I may have acquired tons of knowledge from this world but haven't learned a lot about this world I'm living.

Clingy. Why do I have a clingy behavior? What is a clingy behavior? What is clingy? People hate clingy people. Why? Because they feel smothered by this kind of persons, just as the books/articles/journal say: "Being clingy comes off as being needy and is a real turn off." "This comes off as clingy behavior because you "need" their acceptance and approval before making a move."? What makes me clingy? What have I done to have lost my significant other/s? Am I really doing that beyond the need for acceptance and approval? Well, what would they expect from someone like me who trusted her significant other/s? I don't understand.

Special. What makes me so special? My significant other/s keep on saying that. "[I] can't be like everybody else because [I'm] different, [I'm] special." "[I'm] a special girl". But they don't treat me like I'm special. I'm treated less than special, even less than normal. I just recently have felt like I'm a scum to the universe. I don't belong here. I'm not welcome. So what is special? What do they mean about special?

So I'm Borderline. So what? I have inabilities to regulate my emotions. I make poor decisions and poor judgments. Have inconsistent moods. Also have poor or negative sense of self. Fear of abandonment. Not to mention, frantic and unstable relationships. So I'm also Schizoid. I fear to be misunderstood. I avoid people. I have an inability or a lack for trust. I have autistic or aspergers qualities. I fantasize. I am well-off working alone.

I avoid people because I am scared of them. I am scared to hurt others and be hurt myself. I am scared to trust because people betray. They hurt. They don't understand me. Some think they understand me but not enough to let me be myself. This is why I am afraid of attachments. I detach when I feel when I've gone enough attachments already and feel like I need my space back. That is me 2 years ago. But what has happened in that two years? I have thought I can have hope. I can change. I can be attached without being afraid. But I am clingy. I am cursed to be pushed away. Cursed to be left alone. Cursed to always be that loner, that introvert. Though, I have learned to be extrovertish, but I am still that introvert inside. It's in my system, being extrovert is not.

"The fact that people often do leave someone who exhibits this [clingy] behavior only proves to support their distorted belief that they are insignificant, worthless, and unloved." So it is true. I am unimportant and worthless junk who happens to have lived on for so long just to face those "cycles" to be pulled in but then, be pushed away. Paranoid ideation. So I am that paranoid? Because of what I think is what-I-think-is-true?

If I am understood to have this problem, then why among all the problems we faced, this is the one who wouldn't dare face? Could you have known or expected or even predicted that someday we'd meet this? Many times I talk about this. You know I'm scared of attachments. You know I'm scared to be "left behind". Is this what you call a test for me to face on my own without you bothering to touch it? I learned to be with people. You are my "bridge" to them. I learn to attach and trust you; then I learn to attach and trust others. I practice with you, so I can apply with them. But now I don't have you, and I also have lost them. I lost my trust in you, I lost my trust in them. I'm scared of you, I'm scared of them. I run from you, I run from them.

I am dependent. I'm sorry. I don't know my limits. I don't know boundaries. I don't know when is right to depend and when not. I don't know anything about living. If there is a subject in school about Living, then I would gladly enroll myself in there.

I am jealous. I don't know why other than reasons that she gets what I want. I want to be taught about the Bible and God, I beg from you for that but she gets it while I don't get an affirmation. I don't get the hugs and embraces you give to others. Well, I try to understand that or force myself to understand. Before, when you are still eager to give me those embraces, I am still scared. But now that I am not, you're insistent to not give me.

I WANT TO BE BETTER. I WILL BE BETTER. I WANT TO BE CALLED A RESOLVED BORDERLINE AND RESOLVED SCHIZOID.

But how can that be when I'm facing this so-called clingyness and I have to deal with the problem on my own?

You don't believe me. You don't like me. You don't understand. You don't listen to me. You don't ask questions why and why not; you just make a statement on your own. Wouldn't you allow me to also help you to help me by helping you understand me? You no longer know how to help me because you leave me out of it when you're busy trying to find answers and solutions. If I am the problem, couldn't I also be the solution? It seems that you think I am no good or I'm absolutely dependent on you for answers. I also try to find answers, not from you but from within me too.

"Where is God?" I don't know. You tell me where God is. "Two are better than one...[But] a cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (Eccl. 4:9a,12b) A form of a triangle, isn't a triangle a closed shaped? Doesn't God work that way in any "relationship"?

(plus, +) the doctor and your other "helps"

Or just because my form of thinking or my mind is distorted that I am not qualified to include myself with finding for answers?

I'm lost.

How to escape reality?

What dungeon am I in?

What maze is this?

What intersection did I cross?

What bottomless pit did I fall into?

What tunnel that goes deeper and darker am I entering?

How can I escape from this inescapable, incomprehensible, and dreadful course called reality?

Unhealthy Relationships with a Significant Other

What are some of the characteristics of an

unhealthy relationship with a significant other?

To My Inner Child/To My Dearest (video)

Here is a video presentation of a letter or a literary article I made last Aug2009. Linking to this post: http://sdsjournal.blogspot.com/2009/08/to-my-dearest-who-made-my-world.html

My Phobias and their Meanings

Agoraphobia - It is an irrational fear of crowded/public places or even leaving a safe place. Also known as demophobia and enochlophobia, the agoraphobic situations may include shopping, crowded places, traveling, standing in line, social gatherings and even being alone. "I still go to malls or other crowded places except I don't go near to crowds or people. I hate standing in long lines. I hate traffic jams. I would find where there are few people than a pack of people. In elevators, I can handle the closed space but can't when there are a lot of people in it, especially strangers."

Algophobia - It is an exaggerated and intense fear of pain. Also known as odynophobia or odynephobia, it's an anxiety disorder where the sufferer is scared of experiencing pain or seeing others experiencing it. "Fear of getting hurt and to hurt?"

Aphenphosmphobia - It is an unusual and weird fear of touching or being touched. Also known as aphephobia, chiraptophobia, haphephobia, haphophobia, hapnophobia, haptephobia, haptophobia and thixophobia, it is an intense exaggeration of the normal tendencies to protect one's personal space, expressed as a fear of contamination or of the invasion not only from strangers but also from known people. "Before, I transcribe touch as pain. Now, I'm still learning that touch can also mean love. I can now be touched but I'm still a bit selective and cautious. It's hard to trust people."

Athazagoraphobia - It is an exaggerated and intense fear of being forgotten, ignored or replaced. The person having this phobia may experience depression, anger and deliberate isolation even with a small thought of being forgotten or ignored.

Autophobia - It is an abnormal and intense fear of loneliness, solitude, of being alone or by oneself. Also known as cremophobia, eremophobia, isolophobia or monophobia, the person suffering from this phobia may experience anxiety and will always worry about being ignored or unloved. "In relation to my athazagoraphobia." Read more on: Fear of Abandonment.

Cleithrophobia - It is an abnormal and intense fear of being locked in an enclosed or confined place; also known as cleisiophobia or clithrophobia. "Imagined or real, whichever. I hate movies like Alice In Wonderland because I feel trapped. I hate places where I feel trapped. I hate sticking to scheduled activities because I feel trapped."

Decidophobia - It is an overwhelming and abnormal fear of making decisions. The person suffering from this phobia may actually fear making wrong decision and so is reluctant to make any decision at all.

Emetophobia - It is an intense and abnormal fear pertaining to vomiting or being sick. "I hate motion sickness. I hate getting sick when out of town or traveling. I always have to think before deciding to travel. Can I survive it? Can my body be saved from it? I wear loose clothing and a jacket, bring a lot of medicines, a bottle of water, a hand towel, a sunglasses, and always remember to bring my prescription glasses when traveling."

Ergasiophobia -It is an abnormal or unusual fear of work or functioning; also termed as ergophobia. A surgeon's fear of operating. "In my case, I fear working in the hospitals. I also don't like to work long hours nor during nighttime or dawn. I may not like field work as well. I prefer to work a desk job."

Gamophobia - Fear of marriage. "I don't know if this is my fear but I don't want to marry. I don't want to have kids. This could relate to my pedophobia and philophobia."

Heliophobia - It's an abnormal and intense fear of sun or sunlight. "My skin turns red and I itch. I get a headache. All when exposed to the sun."

Macrophobia - It is an abnormal and persistent fear of long waits. The sufferer may experience anxiety and discomfort when confronted with any situation that involves waiting for a long time. "I hyperventilate and my heart beats faster. In traffic jams, I try to find another route where there is less or no traffic. Same with standing in long lines."

Nosocomephobia - It's an unwarranted and abnormal fear of hospitals. The sufferers may refrain from going to hospitals. "In connection to ergasiophobia."

Ochlophobia - It is an irrational and morbid fear of crowds or mobs. "In connection to my agoraphobia."

Pedophobia -The phobia is related to fear of children, infants or childhood. Also called pediophobia or pediaphobia, the recognized outcomes of this phobia include paternalism, adultism, and by extension, ageism. "I hate kids. I envy kids. I get jealous of them."

Philophobia - Fear of romance. People who have a fear of falling in love or being in love, are said to be victims of this particular phobia. "I don't like the thought of sex and the affection brought by marriage."

Photophobia - People who are excessively sensitive to light and are averse to sunlight or well-lit places are known to have this phobia. It’s an abnormal sensitivity or discomfort towards light and is also defined as the fear of light. "In connection to my heliophobia. I don't like too much light. My eyes hurt."

Selenophobia - Fear of the moon. "I don't know why but I hate looking at the moon when it's full and bright and big."

Tropophobia - Fear of moving or making changes. "I have a hard time adjusting."

Xenophobia - Fear of strangers. "This also relates to my agoraphobia. Could this include fear of the unknown and the unfamiliar?"

FEAR OF UNCERTAINTY - "I don't know what it is called in phobia terms. But this could also relate to my decidophobia."

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your GOD will be with you wherever you go.
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your GOD. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:13 For I am the LORD, your GOD, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 42:6 I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. . . .

God, can you be my Mommy? Can you be my Daddy?

I am at a fight with my own self. I wish to do these things (clean my room, read my Bible) but I always fail to do it. I hesitate, procrastinate, and even forget the things which I should have done earlier (email a couple of people, post demanded pictures, text a friend). Days, weeks, or months have passed and I still fail to do them. I have lost my diligence and initiative.

I am at a fight with my self. I still feel so alone even in the midst of friends. Talking or sharing to the ones who may be able to understand me is hard. I want to talk but they still seem so unreachable.

I am at a fight with my self. I am only at peace when I escape from my thoughts that are battling against me within me. I am at peace when I am on the computer. I am at peace especially when I just sleep out of the trouble. Not doing anything. Not minding it. Divert into a chasm of escape.

I am at a fight with my self. Who can help me? Who can stop me? Who can help me stop fighting with my self? Who can fight the battle for me? Who can save me?

I am at a fight with my self. I fail to have the habit of doing things. I fail to surrender wholly to God because I still have that something which I am holding onto that I couldn't figure out, and I don't know what it is.

I am at a fight with my self. I am hopeless. I don't have direction. I seem to have no future. Still glad to have friends who have told me, "It's normal to enter into uncertainty after graduating because they have entered it as well." That gave me strength a bit. But every day, seems to have no purpose. Every day, I do the same thing over and over meaningless things. Wake up. Computer. Lunch. Computer/sleep. Go out. Go home. Dinner. Computer. Could I just decay?

I am at a fight with my self. I am still hopeless. I have no future. I want to disappear. I wish carefree. Or I would rather want to leave home and have my own. Learn to live independently. Already living in my parents' house, I couldn't learn independence. I want a hands on experience. Or I want to give up this present life and start another.

I am still at a fight with my self. If only I haven't lived.

GOD HELP ME!

GOD PURGE ME!

GOD SAVE ME!

GOD HELP ME!

September Thoughts (2009)

"Gotta learn to ignite than to hold the ignition until KABOOM."
"Gotta stop knowing and be ignorant because I would never able to know everything."
"Gotta stop making perfect and start making mistakes."
"Gotta stop understanding myself for I never would."
"When I long to feel alive, pain makes it for me. It's within reach than love, which is just too good to be true."
"When I don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream."
"When doing death, really trying to do it, makes dreaming about it so ridiculous."
"I am a lazy, self-indulgent little girl who thinks something is wrong with her."
"I don't have what most people have. I don't seem to see that I have a lot of friends. I don't seem to know that I have what it takes to be a winner."
"When emotionally overwhelmed, we are blinded." - Howard Hia
"I'm stuck between two forces, but I tend to stick to the easy side when I really want to reach the far side, the difficult side, the meaningful side. However, I doubt if I could last in both sides, so I rock in such turbulence until I lose my balance. which always happen. When it does, I lose myself, I sit in the middle and start groaning, not knowing what to do because both sides seems satisfactory."
"I doubt Jesus can save me. I doubt He can help me."
"It's hard to see what you can't see, feel, or touch esp. believe in what you can't see."
"Gotta learn to accept failures and stop perfecting it. Never possible. Days just move forward and not back."
"I have a low self-esteem because I can't do better. People are better than me and I envy them."
"Every day is just another day to wait until it passes by....Can't wait 'til it becomes year 2109..."
"In desperation, we can do things unimaginable..."
"When nothing sophisticated to do or too lonely to live, my mind runs havoc."

Jesus Christ

So valiant and so strong

This Lord made no choices wrong.

Not one, not just two

But three crosses, tall they stood

On Golgotha they lay

In one Calvary day.

Three crosses He made each word for you

They say, "I love you."

Lady of SOME Youth

Surrounded by a crowd of people

The whole 18th floor is so full

All shades and sizes, corporate and casual

No one is left behind for this Ball

Dancing and singing

Gentlemen laughing

Chisms of ladies

Updates swarm like bees

But in one corner lay a lady

Dressed in lace and hair well kept

No one knew where she'd been or who's with her

She's all quiet and yet so beautiful

She cried, "Is no one ever going to ask me for a dance?"

Nobody heard her cute little voice in a room full of chatter

She tossed herself around the room wishing for a familiar face

Sadly, she knew most of the people, but no one seems to have seen her pass

"Everyone's here, and no one seems to be missing this ball..." she thought

Still she circled around hoping someone would invite her to join a flock

She then stayed in one table with a few good faces near the dance floor

They welcomed her in the table, even offered her a sit

The host formerly pronounced the start of the ball,

"Princesses, time to hang on to your dancing shoes

While the gentlemen, ahem, take your ladies, let's go swingin'..."

Every corner, every crowd, every table, every one is quick to the dancefloor...

Beautiful ladies, wearing their best clothes

Sparkling and glittering, the lights shine their glory

Men, men of old, men of youth, wearing their ties and bons

Handsome they appear, Gentle manly, they are dear

What about the lady, dressed-in-lace-and-hair-well-kept?

She's all sitting in that table alone and trying to enjoy the dance

"This will be over soon," she said.

But she didn't realize the ball is meant forever.

IMPLICATION:

18 is a number, yet not an uncommon number.

At 18, we get to decide independently. We have reached a LEGAL age.

At 18 is "Hello world!"

At 18 is "Byebye childhood."

At 18, hidden secrets, hidden gestures, hidden "rotten eggs" surface

At 18, people come, people go, bloom to experience

At 18, decide for the future, live the present, learn from the past

At 18, we get to learn who we are, who we might, what may become.

In the story, is a lady knowing loneliness in a world full of people...

To My Inner Child (who made a part of me)

I wish I could save you. I wish I could understand you. Don't hide from me. Don't be afraid. Come back out of that little hiding place of yours. I promise I would try not to harm you again. If I break my promise, don't be sad. I would try to make up with you. I'm sorry for hurting you all these years. I want to take care of you, to love you. The world is not good as it seems, but let's live together through.

Don't say people hate you. People love you from the day they first saw your wee little body. They have dreams of how you're growing up. Dreams of how they are going to nurture you. Yes, the world is not what they seem planned. They may have hurt you, blamed you, and stopped you from crying and sharing your thoughts. Stand up, don't hide in that corner. I can still see you. Let me know your feelings. Let me know when you're hurting. Let us both carry you through.

I know people can be so mean. You even learn to defend yourself. That doesn't mean you're unlovable. There are still so many people who love you. I love you. Don't be scared. Don't run away from me. I need you. I can't be whole without you. I know that hurt can be your comfort, but I wish someday you find the most beautiful thing there is that can separate you from love and hate. Hate is not true. Love is.

My preciouse little one, hang on to people who love you. Hang on to their words of wisdom. They may not know you fully but they love you. And I also wish that someday you would be able to learn how to play and have fun once more.

Love

Yourself

Scared. Scarred. Scarce.

Three words. One source. SCAR. A scar is formed when a skin is bruised. When we we're kids, we get SCARED. A wounded heart gets SCARRED when our sorrows overwhelm us. We fear of no one to turn to, no bandage for cover, no place to hide, in turn, SCARCITY of the soul threatens us and SCARCITY reveals our limits.

I am scared of who I am. I'm scared, most times, to be true or honest. I hide, even to the depths where no one knows I exist. I wear the mask of obscurity, of dishonesty. Who am I lying but myself.

When all things have turned into baggages, I search and find ways/times that I could express and be real with myself and with the world. I find the internet. I keep a blog where I can fully express myself, good or bad times. I keep another vlog (youtube) which I can use when I view videos that relate well with me and comment those videos without restrictions. I am free...but only for a time and always not enough.

I am scared to be true no matter how much I want to be. I am scared because I fear nobody likes the real me. I am lost and still seeking a time that I can real. I have thought of going to places where people living there do not know me. Finding a place where I can start over because I find this place corrupt already and I have bad memories of it.

I live in my fantasy, in my own world. Most times, I want to learn new things out on the open, the real world. But I always stumble to the wrong side of the world, I would then end up in my own imagined reality.

Where am I? What am I doing here? Am I just imagined or another reality gone lost?

This scar of confusion has lost me. Yet I still want to be real but I'm scared because I am confused of what is real.

I am 21 but not. My brother is more mature, emotionally, than I am. Decision making, it overwhelms me. Responsibilities, it pressures me. Relatedness, in relation to people, it bothers me.

Let me just say, "It is the world that is always turning around and not me." (I know you'd disagree but let it be.)

I Want To Be True

I want to be true to myself. I don't want to lie my self anymore. If I smile, even in feelings of sadness, I hate myself because the outer shell is not me. I hate myself that I can't express my feelings truthfully. But should I even just banish or invalidate the negative emotions? That's hell. I just want to be true. If only I could openly express myself. I don't want to lie.

Right now, I am feeling erratic (well, I am always erratic), dysphoric specifically. I want to air out my thoughts (destructive or not) to my Facebook/Multiply/IM accounts, letting my friends know what and how much I am feeling right now. But then, I'm not allowed to do it. How come others are and I don't? Nobody's stopping them and yet, people are more concerned about them.

I have few friends and no one even seems to care. Of course, because nobody understands me. What if I start opening up every thought I have, would they start to know me? Would they even care? Many want to add me to their accounts, but I don't know them. I only know them by name but not really them. If I have accepted their invites, then I could have over 200 contacts right now, but I don't know them. They are just acquaintances and not really friends. What is it with me that I choose friends? All because I am careful with who my friends are and just friends whom I really call friends.

Another thing, should I banish my true self, the real person, for the fake one? The fake person is the acting-out person I have been for so long, before depression has kicked me in. Until I found my real person who is desperately trying to take the place of the fake. The fake person is me acting-out like an adult, a responsible, normal-like adult. Oh, such a person is living a lonely imaginable life. I don't want that person anymore. I hate her. To me being an adult is like my fake person. I don't want to grow up just like her.

I know that is not true about living a lonely life according to the life of the real adults I have seen. But it's true to me, for that is the life I once have lived.

My real person is the inner child who desperately wants to take over. Wants to be heard. Wants to be listened and nurtured until she becomes completely adult, and a real one for sure. But seems again, she's rejected. And now, she's hiding from the pain and would rather let the fake person, who's more mature, take over.

I hate that. I just want to be accepted no matter how old I am and how old I'm truly acting because that is the true me.

My feelings are real but why is it that they are rejected and unacceptable? Seems I myself am unacceptable. What words could describe a person like me but a BPD.

Crap! I hate it when I am ineligible to be just me. All because I am not welcome into this world. This world full of stupid normal people who don't seem to care people like me. So what if I am a special child? There's no word for special adult, because no matter how old they are, they are still called special children. And I am still a child. So what? I'm a child disinherited from the face of this world AGAIN, invalidated, wrecked, shattered, removed, abandoned. Would you allow a child to walk the cold streets at night and beg for some needs? Yes, you have, and don't disagree for I am that child. We are children sheltered from orphanage to orphanage until people are exhausted about us.

Who are we that we call ourselves children though not? We are underdeveloped emotionally and psychologically. Diane Roberts Stoler, Ed.D. says the symptoms for BPD are similarly related to infancy. “Clingy behavior, problems with setting limits and boundaries, acting out, feelings of loathing and emptiness, developmentally arrested at age 2; therefore, behavior is similar to that of a 2-year-old with temper tantrums and seeing the world as black and white,” she says.

Better for the real 2-year-olds than a 21-year-old. People love babies, but adults who act like babies, they discriminate. We are fixated 2-year-olds and PLEASE have great patience on us. Allow us to grow up. Help us. Don't banish us from this universe. We just want some love. We will, in turn, grow up if you just allow us. Don't force us; that's not helpful. You're just destroying us even more.

But right now, it seems I have to force myself to live that fake person to ACT ADULT to please my carer. IT'S SICKENING. I feel rejected and removed. I never wanted that fake person. I never again want to live that life. But...they don't understand. HATE IT. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE IT!!!

But I want to be who I truly am. How can I learn the things a real child has while growing up when I am forced to become an adult immediately? I want to learn new things while in my real person for this way, it's simpler than being the fake person. But it seems I am not allowed to learn these things for I am not allowed to be the real me. :(

I Know But I Don't

I know. I just don't want to listen from you anymore.

I know I may be impractical. By knowledge, I know. By understanding, I don't.

I know I should grow up because I am 21. I know I should act mature. I know I should learn to live independently. I know I should learn to take and accept responsibilities. I know I should be rational, practical, and radical. I know I am alive. I know I am human.

But what do I understand? I can't be 21. It's hard to act my age. I am still learning and I need someone to help me even when I learn it wrongly. I still need someone to wake me up from my delusions. It's hard to be rational when I am emotional. It's hard to think objectively when I am still learning to accept and express my emotions. It's hard to go full speed like a snap to be mature when I am still learning new things. It's hard to be 21 when I am still emotionally unstable, emotionally dependent, and emotionally younger than 21. It's hard to take responsibilities because I fear of falling down and no one to pick me up on the way. I am losing my self when I am unsure, overwhelmed, or confused of the things or happenings around me. (Allow me to grow up even if it may take a very very long while. Be patient with me. You are but seems you don't.)

I know I should but I understand I am. I know I should but I don't understand why should I. I don't understand the knowlegde I have gotten.

However, whatever I gain knowledge from you, I still don't understand and I no longer wish to listen from you anymore because you have not made me understand. You just throw words at me to force me to understand. You have known me but you have not really understood me. Then, we're even.

I am letting you go free, even if it hurts me. Besides, you also do have a life and I'm letting you have it your way. And I'll go the other way then. I'll be alone once again. Who cares? You have your own life, I have mine. It is just you have a good life and I don't. I have a life that is unknown.

(Have you really accepted me of who I am? Or just trying to accept that you're trapped with me?)

Sorry to be thinking this way but the thoughts have comforted me in some way. Letting you go is like escaping from the pain. Heard about, "I Hate You Don't Leave Me"? Hah! I'm not going to do that again. I'd just let you go because I don't want to feel the pain. Just go. Don't come back. I don't need you anymore, though I still feel I need you but feelings can be a lie, right, like you said? I don't need you. Leave me be. You have detached from me first, just as you said yesterday. Though being the second to detach as well, I'd remove you out of the picture for good.

And thank you for the year you have nurtured and taught me. Think you taught me well? Some things, yes. But this? I don't know. I'm not sure. Why don't you rate?

(We have not talked about broken relationships because you seem not interested - for she was your friend and I was talking about her - so I never opened up about it again.)

Out of Touch

Feeling out of touch? Out of senses? Or just plain delusional?

When I am trying to learn to be a human is also when I am being abandoned or feeling like I am UNWELCOME to even try to learn to be a human.

I am feeling deep inside that I want to hate her, discredit her. I don't know how else to react when a promise is broken.

She promised we would have our counselling sessions once a month until September. I was already preparing myself for that last session. However, the promise was broken. It's like our sessions had stopped earlier than promised. I was not ready for that. Even though there were times I wanted no more of our sessions but I just hanged on until the end. Those times were when I was feeling down and lost that I didn't want to talk about; however, I should learn to talk about my worries, needs, and concerns. But right now, I felt like I didn't wish to even bother talking to her anymore, though she still said she's still here to listen.

I am feeling out of touch. Sometimes, I would feel like just accept the truth that our sessions are gone already. But hey, I don't know. I still feel like I want those last two sessions. She says we talk from time to time, even checking up on me like yesterday, but that's informal. I mean I don't know. There are really a lot of things bothering me. I have talked to God about it. But now, I am confused of "COME TO ME ALL THOSE WHO ARE WEARY" and "BEAR EACH OTHER'S BURDENS".

Years before, after my first counsellor left me, I had relied on God alone and no one else. When my present counsellor came, I thought that "bearing each other's burden" should also take part with relying on God.

I'm confused. Or is it really easy to just accept what's happening and do nothing? Could somebody just trace me back to what's real or what I am supposed to do?

I know I fear reality but sometimes my body wants to feel alive. I want to feel alive.

I am just recently learning physical touch and being close with people. And I am learning it with my counsellor. But when I think our sessions are over, seems like I no longer have the opportunity to further my learning again. Almost similar with my first counsellor when I wished to learn friendships with her but was shortened because she just disappeared from her commitment.

I fear broken and faded relationships. Though Achi have not really abandoned me, but I feel still removed.

I am only using this blog to express myself because I can't express honestly anymore with Achi.

A borderline or not. 21 or not. Alive or not. I'm still lost...like a lamb removed from my carer's presence.

And what should I be doing in God's presence according to this messy picture?

Could someone help me out?

THOUGHTS PONDERED - July409

Preview: This day, I was troubled whether I should join church the next day or not because I was afraid I might cry for the fact that I was left behind from our Thailand Mission Trip last June21-29. And the topic for that Sunday was debriefing of the trip. Letting the congregation know what happened in Thailand.

---------------------------

I don't understand my self. I'm confused. I never wish to join church because I don't want to feel "ouch" and what people may think of me, asking questions. Somehow these thoughts are like the attention is on me. I may have hoped for people's attention but I don't like it. Want but not want.

If I go, I shouldn't be thinking of me me me. Should be them them them. Shouldn't be thinking what people think and "people come to me, I need comfort." If ever I get the latter, I shouldn't be thinking "Wow! They care. Go! I want more." I should rather be thinking, "Thank you, dear God, for their love. Thank you for giving me friends and making me part of the family."

Satan may become happy if I don't go there. He'll be happy because I am INTO me me me, I I I. He was happy I wasn't in Thailand. Should I make him happy if I wouldn't be in church? All because I don't feel like it?

Okay. Fine. Go to church.

Why? Get the attention of people?

No. Support the team as I am part of the team. I prayed for them and stood strong for them. I updated myself about the weather in Thailand so I could know how they were. Kept on reading the schedule to know what they were up to.

I should be there with them, know the fruits of my prayers, how they had been, how did God work with them, how God stood beside them and kept them safe. I isolated myself so I could still feel like I was with them, though not physically but "in spirit".

I will be there for them. Would be so selfish of me if I don't just because I don't feel liking it. So selfish that I prayed for them the whole week and every time I remember them even if it hurt me. Selfish that I wouldn't know the result of what I had so prayed for.

[Remember the battle you faced that week. Remember like you remembered the battle you had with God the past year against depression. You reviewed the past victory to win over that recent misery you faced, the misery of being left behind. Now, remember that battle.]

Next question is: 8AM or 10AM service?

I chose 10AM service so maybe I wouldn't cry. It's dragging because of the translations, and many people. Which, I might be able to control myself more from crying. [Listen to yourself. I, me, my.]

Now, I think of going to both services. The fact that the team may be giving different testimonies on both services. Even if not, it's still the team giving the testimonies. I will join both to be there for them. To support them with my presence.

[Also remember tomorrow is First Sunday. Communion. Fellowshipping with Christ and His Body. You are not only part of the team, but also the Body. You are part of God's Family.]

......Pride is still kicking in. If I am asked why I am joining and why both services, I feel shy to answer them for they may think I am being vain already or maybe foolish. [I I I. Hello, vain? Shy? Foolish? Maybe? Thinking such thing is already vain enough and foolish. Besides, it's MAYBE. What if this thought is not true? Where will you side? Think it's true or think it's NOT true? Letting pride win? Letting the "I" win? Or letting Satan win because you're being too selfish, self-centered, conceited, and prideful?]

[Remember from which you came from before God brought you to this time now after you had depression. You were full of yourself, and God was & IS teaching you to be humble. Think of what God wants you to be. Think according to what God may be thinking for you. Remember, He wants you to be humble and loving others, the reason why He is teaching you and has shown His Love real to you. Remember what God has done to you. Remember who you were and who you have become.]

Could an Old Desire Still has Significance...?

The title actually is, "Could a desire of a 4yo has significance if the 4yo becomes a 20yo and still has that same desire? Or is there still "something" about that desire?"

Okay. That's me. I really couldn't remember when I had that desire except I knew I was preschool. A desire or a wish or hopes.

Still is so clear in my memories, the first time I made that wish. I wished to be able to do something for the people from the streets and elderly people. Even wished to be super rich to help them (thinking of a four-year-old). However, at this time, I'm scared to even help an old lady with her grocery cart. (Shy)

I have been recently thinking (again), yet imagining, of an orphanage, a home-for-the-aged, or a shelter-for-the-homeless. Starting any of these and bring the needy to a place they can call home. Give them food, clothes, and may even a bed for the night for the homeless. And during their stay, talk with them, listen to them, share the gospel to them, and importantly, share God's love to them. Share testimonies, preach the Word, lead bible studies, etc.

The irony? No money. Don't like kids. Before, I never liked teaching. Never thought of myself as a teacher. Never done anything about these people other than joining those outreaches. Such a BIG responsibility for a wee like I.

However, God can provide the needs. I, somehow, is being led to kids and teaching. I find, recently, that I can be an advocate, a listener, a whatever that I never think I could be doing or could become. A teacher? A counselor? An evangelist? A...what? I know these NEW traits/abilities do not come from anyone or anything or from me; all these come from God and Him alone. Seems like God's spiritual gifts. What about piano, techie mind, Math/Chemistry, all things I certainly know I know? Abilities I have earned from years of learning? But I now do learn to appreciate more the abilities I never earned from anything.

Think there's something about this "desires/wishes/hopes/unexpected abilities"? Does seem to connect.

[This is the second time I write a journal with a similar question: Could this be my direction? Is this what God wants for me? Still waiting... If this is it? Then I'll still be waiting... No need to rush. Just wait for God's GO signal. (He's still teaching me.)]