I Want To Be True

I want to be true to myself. I don't want to lie my self anymore. If I smile, even in feelings of sadness, I hate myself because the outer shell is not me. I hate myself that I can't express my feelings truthfully. But should I even just banish or invalidate the negative emotions? That's hell. I just want to be true. If only I could openly express myself. I don't want to lie.

Right now, I am feeling erratic (well, I am always erratic), dysphoric specifically. I want to air out my thoughts (destructive or not) to my Facebook/Multiply/IM accounts, letting my friends know what and how much I am feeling right now. But then, I'm not allowed to do it. How come others are and I don't? Nobody's stopping them and yet, people are more concerned about them.

I have few friends and no one even seems to care. Of course, because nobody understands me. What if I start opening up every thought I have, would they start to know me? Would they even care? Many want to add me to their accounts, but I don't know them. I only know them by name but not really them. If I have accepted their invites, then I could have over 200 contacts right now, but I don't know them. They are just acquaintances and not really friends. What is it with me that I choose friends? All because I am careful with who my friends are and just friends whom I really call friends.

Another thing, should I banish my true self, the real person, for the fake one? The fake person is the acting-out person I have been for so long, before depression has kicked me in. Until I found my real person who is desperately trying to take the place of the fake. The fake person is me acting-out like an adult, a responsible, normal-like adult. Oh, such a person is living a lonely imaginable life. I don't want that person anymore. I hate her. To me being an adult is like my fake person. I don't want to grow up just like her.

I know that is not true about living a lonely life according to the life of the real adults I have seen. But it's true to me, for that is the life I once have lived.

My real person is the inner child who desperately wants to take over. Wants to be heard. Wants to be listened and nurtured until she becomes completely adult, and a real one for sure. But seems again, she's rejected. And now, she's hiding from the pain and would rather let the fake person, who's more mature, take over.

I hate that. I just want to be accepted no matter how old I am and how old I'm truly acting because that is the true me.

My feelings are real but why is it that they are rejected and unacceptable? Seems I myself am unacceptable. What words could describe a person like me but a BPD.

Crap! I hate it when I am ineligible to be just me. All because I am not welcome into this world. This world full of stupid normal people who don't seem to care people like me. So what if I am a special child? There's no word for special adult, because no matter how old they are, they are still called special children. And I am still a child. So what? I'm a child disinherited from the face of this world AGAIN, invalidated, wrecked, shattered, removed, abandoned. Would you allow a child to walk the cold streets at night and beg for some needs? Yes, you have, and don't disagree for I am that child. We are children sheltered from orphanage to orphanage until people are exhausted about us.

Who are we that we call ourselves children though not? We are underdeveloped emotionally and psychologically. Diane Roberts Stoler, Ed.D. says the symptoms for BPD are similarly related to infancy. “Clingy behavior, problems with setting limits and boundaries, acting out, feelings of loathing and emptiness, developmentally arrested at age 2; therefore, behavior is similar to that of a 2-year-old with temper tantrums and seeing the world as black and white,” she says.

Better for the real 2-year-olds than a 21-year-old. People love babies, but adults who act like babies, they discriminate. We are fixated 2-year-olds and PLEASE have great patience on us. Allow us to grow up. Help us. Don't banish us from this universe. We just want some love. We will, in turn, grow up if you just allow us. Don't force us; that's not helpful. You're just destroying us even more.

But right now, it seems I have to force myself to live that fake person to ACT ADULT to please my carer. IT'S SICKENING. I feel rejected and removed. I never wanted that fake person. I never again want to live that life. But...they don't understand. HATE IT. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE IT!!!

But I want to be who I truly am. How can I learn the things a real child has while growing up when I am forced to become an adult immediately? I want to learn new things while in my real person for this way, it's simpler than being the fake person. But it seems I am not allowed to learn these things for I am not allowed to be the real me. :(

Out of Touch

Feeling out of touch? Out of senses? Or just plain delusional?

When I am trying to learn to be a human is also when I am being abandoned or feeling like I am UNWELCOME to even try to learn to be a human.

I am feeling deep inside that I want to hate her, discredit her. I don't know how else to react when a promise is broken.

She promised we would have our counselling sessions once a month until September. I was already preparing myself for that last session. However, the promise was broken. It's like our sessions had stopped earlier than promised. I was not ready for that. Even though there were times I wanted no more of our sessions but I just hanged on until the end. Those times were when I was feeling down and lost that I didn't want to talk about; however, I should learn to talk about my worries, needs, and concerns. But right now, I felt like I didn't wish to even bother talking to her anymore, though she still said she's still here to listen.

I am feeling out of touch. Sometimes, I would feel like just accept the truth that our sessions are gone already. But hey, I don't know. I still feel like I want those last two sessions. She says we talk from time to time, even checking up on me like yesterday, but that's informal. I mean I don't know. There are really a lot of things bothering me. I have talked to God about it. But now, I am confused of "COME TO ME ALL THOSE WHO ARE WEARY" and "BEAR EACH OTHER'S BURDENS".

Years before, after my first counsellor left me, I had relied on God alone and no one else. When my present counsellor came, I thought that "bearing each other's burden" should also take part with relying on God.

I'm confused. Or is it really easy to just accept what's happening and do nothing? Could somebody just trace me back to what's real or what I am supposed to do?

I know I fear reality but sometimes my body wants to feel alive. I want to feel alive.

I am just recently learning physical touch and being close with people. And I am learning it with my counsellor. But when I think our sessions are over, seems like I no longer have the opportunity to further my learning again. Almost similar with my first counsellor when I wished to learn friendships with her but was shortened because she just disappeared from her commitment.

I fear broken and faded relationships. Though Achi have not really abandoned me, but I feel still removed.

I am only using this blog to express myself because I can't express honestly anymore with Achi.

A borderline or not. 21 or not. Alive or not. I'm still lost...like a lamb removed from my carer's presence.

And what should I be doing in God's presence according to this messy picture?

Could someone help me out?

Here Is A Man? (taken from just-think-of-it.blogspot.com)

We think of ourselves as free and wild, but what does a man do when trouble strikes him? We find people who can provide our needs. Some seek for therapy, some for books, and some find religion. What is the difference of such things? None as much as I can think of, but they are similar that these things can still lead to emptiness in the future.

What I think is that people can't help you, therapy can neither, nor self-help books, not even religion. Religion? You say. Yes, religion can't help you nor can it save you, but Jesus can. Jesus is not religion,, but a relationship. Our friends, family can provide little for us but they can't always provide everything that we ask or expect, but Jesus can. In relationships, we come to our friends and family. In Jesus, we come to know him personally and not from what people say who he is, and come to reconciliation to God the Father. Reconciliation always involve relationships. How can you be reconciled when you don't know the person?