Feelings of Hurt & Loss

These are two of the things that I am trying to avoid, but I have to take courage and face.
The feelings of the emotions, of hurt and of loss.

Just like I feel hurt when I see people hugging one another because I can't hug or can't have the hug. Every time I see them enjoying each other's relationships, I have that same feeling of hurt and of loss because I can never forever be able to have that kind of relationship (mentoring, teacher-student, true friendship relationships). I have experienced these good things before, but it hasn't stayed for long, and that is all the memory I can treasure. When I think the feelings of hurt and loss are going away, it is when the good things are slowly fading away.

If only I can just avoid this reality. If only I can escape from the unpleasant things. I have to take courage and face. Whether I avoid or face, it still is going to be the same or my situation is still going to be the same. Though it hurts most all the time, all I can do is just trust in God and hope I can have the good things forever someday though seemingly impossible.

Feelings of hurt and loss of someone special (a teacher, most trusted friend, spiritual mother, counselor, life coach, mentor, confidant) is like cancer.

And I feel like in every friendship/relationship, I am a side dish.

- A loner

I Want To Be True

I want to be true to myself. I don't want to lie my self anymore. If I smile, even in feelings of sadness, I hate myself because the outer shell is not me. I hate myself that I can't express my feelings truthfully. But should I even just banish or invalidate the negative emotions? That's hell. I just want to be true. If only I could openly express myself. I don't want to lie.

Right now, I am feeling erratic (well, I am always erratic), dysphoric specifically. I want to air out my thoughts (destructive or not) to my Facebook/Multiply/IM accounts, letting my friends know what and how much I am feeling right now. But then, I'm not allowed to do it. How come others are and I don't? Nobody's stopping them and yet, people are more concerned about them.

I have few friends and no one even seems to care. Of course, because nobody understands me. What if I start opening up every thought I have, would they start to know me? Would they even care? Many want to add me to their accounts, but I don't know them. I only know them by name but not really them. If I have accepted their invites, then I could have over 200 contacts right now, but I don't know them. They are just acquaintances and not really friends. What is it with me that I choose friends? All because I am careful with who my friends are and just friends whom I really call friends.

Another thing, should I banish my true self, the real person, for the fake one? The fake person is the acting-out person I have been for so long, before depression has kicked me in. Until I found my real person who is desperately trying to take the place of the fake. The fake person is me acting-out like an adult, a responsible, normal-like adult. Oh, such a person is living a lonely imaginable life. I don't want that person anymore. I hate her. To me being an adult is like my fake person. I don't want to grow up just like her.

I know that is not true about living a lonely life according to the life of the real adults I have seen. But it's true to me, for that is the life I once have lived.

My real person is the inner child who desperately wants to take over. Wants to be heard. Wants to be listened and nurtured until she becomes completely adult, and a real one for sure. But seems again, she's rejected. And now, she's hiding from the pain and would rather let the fake person, who's more mature, take over.

I hate that. I just want to be accepted no matter how old I am and how old I'm truly acting because that is the true me.

My feelings are real but why is it that they are rejected and unacceptable? Seems I myself am unacceptable. What words could describe a person like me but a BPD.

Crap! I hate it when I am ineligible to be just me. All because I am not welcome into this world. This world full of stupid normal people who don't seem to care people like me. So what if I am a special child? There's no word for special adult, because no matter how old they are, they are still called special children. And I am still a child. So what? I'm a child disinherited from the face of this world AGAIN, invalidated, wrecked, shattered, removed, abandoned. Would you allow a child to walk the cold streets at night and beg for some needs? Yes, you have, and don't disagree for I am that child. We are children sheltered from orphanage to orphanage until people are exhausted about us.

Who are we that we call ourselves children though not? We are underdeveloped emotionally and psychologically. Diane Roberts Stoler, Ed.D. says the symptoms for BPD are similarly related to infancy. “Clingy behavior, problems with setting limits and boundaries, acting out, feelings of loathing and emptiness, developmentally arrested at age 2; therefore, behavior is similar to that of a 2-year-old with temper tantrums and seeing the world as black and white,” she says.

Better for the real 2-year-olds than a 21-year-old. People love babies, but adults who act like babies, they discriminate. We are fixated 2-year-olds and PLEASE have great patience on us. Allow us to grow up. Help us. Don't banish us from this universe. We just want some love. We will, in turn, grow up if you just allow us. Don't force us; that's not helpful. You're just destroying us even more.

But right now, it seems I have to force myself to live that fake person to ACT ADULT to please my carer. IT'S SICKENING. I feel rejected and removed. I never wanted that fake person. I never again want to live that life. But...they don't understand. HATE IT. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE IT!!!

But I want to be who I truly am. How can I learn the things a real child has while growing up when I am forced to become an adult immediately? I want to learn new things while in my real person for this way, it's simpler than being the fake person. But it seems I am not allowed to learn these things for I am not allowed to be the real me. :(

I Know But I Don't

I know. I just don't want to listen from you anymore.

I know I may be impractical. By knowledge, I know. By understanding, I don't.

I know I should grow up because I am 21. I know I should act mature. I know I should learn to live independently. I know I should learn to take and accept responsibilities. I know I should be rational, practical, and radical. I know I am alive. I know I am human.

But what do I understand? I can't be 21. It's hard to act my age. I am still learning and I need someone to help me even when I learn it wrongly. I still need someone to wake me up from my delusions. It's hard to be rational when I am emotional. It's hard to think objectively when I am still learning to accept and express my emotions. It's hard to go full speed like a snap to be mature when I am still learning new things. It's hard to be 21 when I am still emotionally unstable, emotionally dependent, and emotionally younger than 21. It's hard to take responsibilities because I fear of falling down and no one to pick me up on the way. I am losing my self when I am unsure, overwhelmed, or confused of the things or happenings around me. (Allow me to grow up even if it may take a very very long while. Be patient with me. You are but seems you don't.)

I know I should but I understand I am. I know I should but I don't understand why should I. I don't understand the knowlegde I have gotten.

However, whatever I gain knowledge from you, I still don't understand and I no longer wish to listen from you anymore because you have not made me understand. You just throw words at me to force me to understand. You have known me but you have not really understood me. Then, we're even.

I am letting you go free, even if it hurts me. Besides, you also do have a life and I'm letting you have it your way. And I'll go the other way then. I'll be alone once again. Who cares? You have your own life, I have mine. It is just you have a good life and I don't. I have a life that is unknown.

(Have you really accepted me of who I am? Or just trying to accept that you're trapped with me?)

Sorry to be thinking this way but the thoughts have comforted me in some way. Letting you go is like escaping from the pain. Heard about, "I Hate You Don't Leave Me"? Hah! I'm not going to do that again. I'd just let you go because I don't want to feel the pain. Just go. Don't come back. I don't need you anymore, though I still feel I need you but feelings can be a lie, right, like you said? I don't need you. Leave me be. You have detached from me first, just as you said yesterday. Though being the second to detach as well, I'd remove you out of the picture for good.

And thank you for the year you have nurtured and taught me. Think you taught me well? Some things, yes. But this? I don't know. I'm not sure. Why don't you rate?

(We have not talked about broken relationships because you seem not interested - for she was your friend and I was talking about her - so I never opened up about it again.)