Feelings of Hurt & Loss

These are two of the things that I am trying to avoid, but I have to take courage and face.
The feelings of the emotions, of hurt and of loss.

Just like I feel hurt when I see people hugging one another because I can't hug or can't have the hug. Every time I see them enjoying each other's relationships, I have that same feeling of hurt and of loss because I can never forever be able to have that kind of relationship (mentoring, teacher-student, true friendship relationships). I have experienced these good things before, but it hasn't stayed for long, and that is all the memory I can treasure. When I think the feelings of hurt and loss are going away, it is when the good things are slowly fading away.

If only I can just avoid this reality. If only I can escape from the unpleasant things. I have to take courage and face. Whether I avoid or face, it still is going to be the same or my situation is still going to be the same. Though it hurts most all the time, all I can do is just trust in God and hope I can have the good things forever someday though seemingly impossible.

Feelings of hurt and loss of someone special (a teacher, most trusted friend, spiritual mother, counselor, life coach, mentor, confidant) is like cancer.

And I feel like in every friendship/relationship, I am a side dish.

- A loner

Being alone gives space to grow????

Hah!
I've been alone for soooooooo long. I still have not grown.

I am 20, but still feels like 15 who wishes to be 6.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh---I don't know anymore....


I don't know.


i dnt kno


i dunno






know no more......







I don't want to grow up. Grow old? Fine with me. But grow up? Change is hard. Change is painful.

People say i've changed. But the more I've known I've changed, people are now the ones drifting far from me when I was the one drifting from them before when people were trying to get through me.

So what is it with change? how should I change for the better that the scale should be balanced and never outweigh or underweigh anything?


Am I getting "loud" enough already? What's wrong with my change? Am I too much in showing myself to everyone who I really am? I don't want to keep to myself who I am for if I do, I rather not exist.
But when I start and keep showing myself, people drift away from me. WHAT IS IT WITH ME THAT PEOPLE SHOUD BECOME SO INDIFFERNT AFOUND ME?


Or am I just imagining myself that people are doing the things that I think they're doing? I don't know because it's really just what I feel when I am with them.

See! I really rather have no mind, so I would stop thinking and feeling.

If not, amnesia. so i would forget the people i've known and forget the past and everything the past brings.


I am an escapist....
I escape because I don't want to hurt nor be hurt, times are painful. Also, I escape to lessen the troubles and mishaps.



>What can God do to me, but teach me a lesson. Make me whole.
But I don't feel whole myself, I fell I am really breking to pieces.
>But God first break me so he can remake me.
Why should these be painful?
>So he can comfort me.
Where is God? Because I could not take these things anymore like nursing.
I mean, why nursing?
I am not a "chatty person" like those nursing people. I am not a "people person". I only do my "duties" for performance's sake. I mean, I really don't want to do I've been doing in nursing. Such stress. Destroys my health a lot. Pains my life, additionally. Way different from my personality.


AHHHHH! I'm just being overwhelmed with a lot situatioons in different areas in my life and I don't know to deal with them nor can I really cope with them for a very long time. How long should I face them?
>As long as I learn my lesson..................






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too much!!!


too much is never enough?




....


@#&%!!!


...

Am I fine? Am I ok? No, am not. Oh! I just wish I was somewhere else, someone else.

If only I don't have a brain, so I would not have trouble too much thinking and no longer being able to feel.
I don't want anymore of everything.
I am getting crazy. So what!
I wish I don't have to have the trouble of everything.
Why should I think?
Why should I need people?
Why should I need me?
Why should I have to face everyday of every day?
I am losing myself. So?
I just could not stand being NOT able to *whatever* what I am having now.
"Intimacy vs Isolation" Ahhhh!
I have had it with psych. I don't believe what those psych people theorize. Just a theory and never a fact. I have had it with nursing. Why do I have to pass? I know it's easy to fail. But I rather fail by my own effort/inteligence.
Why should I suffer in this filthy bedroom when it's not a room at all? Really messy and dusty with no glass windows on. I have to suffer another year without glass windows. I have to suffer my health when the air/breeze/atmosphere is polluted.
So what if I air out my complains and my bad feelings. So what!

so what...

hai..

living...



worthless money...


pitiful days...




wandering times...






unwholly family....





idly alone...





"Anything I can help?"
Duh! Nobody wants my help when I want to help. Seems like people don't hear me asking, offering my help. So! I guess, I'd just be idly alone........................................





@&%#!!!
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