Being alone gives space to grow????

Hah!
I've been alone for soooooooo long. I still have not grown.

I am 20, but still feels like 15 who wishes to be 6.

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh---I don't know anymore....


I don't know.


i dnt kno


i dunno






know no more......







I don't want to grow up. Grow old? Fine with me. But grow up? Change is hard. Change is painful.

People say i've changed. But the more I've known I've changed, people are now the ones drifting far from me when I was the one drifting from them before when people were trying to get through me.

So what is it with change? how should I change for the better that the scale should be balanced and never outweigh or underweigh anything?


Am I getting "loud" enough already? What's wrong with my change? Am I too much in showing myself to everyone who I really am? I don't want to keep to myself who I am for if I do, I rather not exist.
But when I start and keep showing myself, people drift away from me. WHAT IS IT WITH ME THAT PEOPLE SHOUD BECOME SO INDIFFERNT AFOUND ME?


Or am I just imagining myself that people are doing the things that I think they're doing? I don't know because it's really just what I feel when I am with them.

See! I really rather have no mind, so I would stop thinking and feeling.

If not, amnesia. so i would forget the people i've known and forget the past and everything the past brings.


I am an escapist....
I escape because I don't want to hurt nor be hurt, times are painful. Also, I escape to lessen the troubles and mishaps.



>What can God do to me, but teach me a lesson. Make me whole.
But I don't feel whole myself, I fell I am really breking to pieces.
>But God first break me so he can remake me.
Why should these be painful?
>So he can comfort me.
Where is God? Because I could not take these things anymore like nursing.
I mean, why nursing?
I am not a "chatty person" like those nursing people. I am not a "people person". I only do my "duties" for performance's sake. I mean, I really don't want to do I've been doing in nursing. Such stress. Destroys my health a lot. Pains my life, additionally. Way different from my personality.


AHHHHH! I'm just being overwhelmed with a lot situatioons in different areas in my life and I don't know to deal with them nor can I really cope with them for a very long time. How long should I face them?
>As long as I learn my lesson..................






......



too much!!!


too much is never enough?




....


@#&%!!!


...

Am I fine? Am I ok? No, am not. Oh! I just wish I was somewhere else, someone else.

If only I don't have a brain, so I would not have trouble too much thinking and no longer being able to feel.
I don't want anymore of everything.
I am getting crazy. So what!
I wish I don't have to have the trouble of everything.
Why should I think?
Why should I need people?
Why should I need me?
Why should I have to face everyday of every day?
I am losing myself. So?
I just could not stand being NOT able to *whatever* what I am having now.
"Intimacy vs Isolation" Ahhhh!
I have had it with psych. I don't believe what those psych people theorize. Just a theory and never a fact. I have had it with nursing. Why do I have to pass? I know it's easy to fail. But I rather fail by my own effort/inteligence.
Why should I suffer in this filthy bedroom when it's not a room at all? Really messy and dusty with no glass windows on. I have to suffer another year without glass windows. I have to suffer my health when the air/breeze/atmosphere is polluted.
So what if I air out my complains and my bad feelings. So what!

so what...

hai..

living...



worthless money...


pitiful days...




wandering times...






unwholly family....





idly alone...





"Anything I can help?"
Duh! Nobody wants my help when I want to help. Seems like people don't hear me asking, offering my help. So! I guess, I'd just be idly alone........................................





@&%#!!!
...


......

Here Is A Man? (taken from just-think-of-it.blogspot.com)

We think of ourselves as free and wild, but what does a man do when trouble strikes him? We find people who can provide our needs. Some seek for therapy, some for books, and some find religion. What is the difference of such things? None as much as I can think of, but they are similar that these things can still lead to emptiness in the future.

What I think is that people can't help you, therapy can neither, nor self-help books, not even religion. Religion? You say. Yes, religion can't help you nor can it save you, but Jesus can. Jesus is not religion,, but a relationship. Our friends, family can provide little for us but they can't always provide everything that we ask or expect, but Jesus can. In relationships, we come to our friends and family. In Jesus, we come to know him personally and not from what people say who he is, and come to reconciliation to God the Father. Reconciliation always involve relationships. How can you be reconciled when you don't know the person?