Crappy Christmases

Sorry for those happy Christmas mooders. I know it's the birth of Jesus Christ. And yeah, maybe I am in a seasonal depression stage. WHATEVER!!

This could be my nth crappy Christmas. Christmas is not about gifts and traditions. It should be peace and goodwill to men. If I see someone so happy to receive a gift in Christmas, I am against it. Or I am against HAPPY. Because happiness will just fade away, slow or sudden. I guess I am afraid to be happy. Oh, and btw, I have Christmases receiving no gifts so don't blame me for being crappy about it. And this year, I receive only one gift.

Peace and goodwill. I don't often get that on Christmas. Either bad time with family or (this year) I wronged someone and I'm priced as cheap for video making (that I should give them a cheaper cost). I KNOW I'M NOT ESTABLISHED BUT AT LEAST I'M ABOUT 40% CHEAPER THAN THE PROFESSIONALS. Forty percent cheaper because IT'S STILL VIDEO EDITING AND I AM FINANCIALLY COMPENSATING MY DIGITAL EQUIPMENT COSTS. Yeah, and the program is CHEAP?! Duh! It's expensive. Even though I obtained it illegally, I hope to buy the registered one someday. (If "someday" will ever come, and I mean when I become a filmmaker.)

Welcome to my Christmas!!

I hate 2010. Money is one of the most parts that I'm having some issues on. What more could be the next years after 2010?

Mother label me as an ADD

...so I took an online quiz.

And here's the result:

You scored a total of 78

It is highly likely that you are presently suffering from adult attention deficit disorder, according to your responses on this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further diagnosis from a trained mental health professional immediately. S C O R I N G K E Y If you scored... You may have... 70 & up 50 - 69 35 - 49 25 - 34 0 - 24 Adult ADHD Moderate ADHD Mild ADHD Borderline ADHD No ADHD likely This is not a diagnosis tool.

But I would still rather go for being an Aspergers than ADD. Because I don't believe being an ADD.

If a job interviewer is to ask: "Why should we accept you, what makes you different from the other applicants?"

My answer:

"Well, first of all, we are all different people, different genes, different DNAs. We all think differently. I may not have what the other applicants have. I don't know what they have. They don't have what I have either. I'm good at what I'm good at in my own ways. I don't know how good the others are, and maybe and honestly, they may be better than I. Now why should you accept me for this job? I want to learn. I want to experience. I want to be exposed. And I want to develop my skills. I want to do better than what I am already good at. And also because you need an extra hand which is why you're looking for applicants."

P.s. I'm an unemployed fresh nursing graduate who still is unable to get a hand of her transcript because of some lack of requirements. That would be the university's fault. They shouldn't have let me walk-the-aisle. And I'm desperate to start earning to be able to live a dream (and live apart from the family): do something that I like to do or am actually doing (computers, photography, videos). I also like to join YWAM's University of Kona in Hawaii. I'm trying to save some money but I have no allowances from my parents, I'm not working, and I'm also using my small savings from making videos for others to buy camera accesories. Too bad for me. I'm not sure what I am doing.

Aspergers and Difficult Friendships

http://www.aspieweb.net/aspergers-no-friends/

How To Deal With Loneliness?

How to Deal With Loneliness - WikiHow.com

People feel lonely for a number of reasons, such as not having enough friends, not knowing how to be close to the people they know, or not being accepted by those they try to be friends with.

Everyone experiences loneliness. Some humans are more socially accepted. Some who try to be social remain socially rejected, and some have difficulty even trying.

Steps

1. 1
   Realize that we all get lonely. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. We're particularly prone to loneliness when we're making transitions, especially for the better. If you're changing, such as exploring new alternatives and paths for yourself, you're bound to get a little lonely as you look for people who share your new interests and thoughts.
2. 2
   Call or get together with the people you know, even if they aren't who you want to be with right now. Human contact makes more contact easier. This includes your mother and the guy at the deli counter. Listen more than talk. Listening, and drawing people out will deepen your contacts more than just talking endlessly about yourself. Do not exhaust your existing connections; these are all you have at the moment.
3. 3
   Get involved in anything where you will meet people. If you are very shy, find a group for social anxiety, even if it has to be online (obviously it's better if it's not). Look on places like Craig's List for activities in your area. Volunteering can help. But don't attend functions with the idea of making friends or meeting people. Being too demanding is a sign of loneliness. Try to go with no expectations whatsoever, and to enjoy yourself regardless of what happens.
4. 4
   Challenge yourself to take the initiative in social relationships whenever you can. You ask the person if they want to chat, get a coffee, whatever. Remember how much you like it when people are attracted to you. Remember though, that you are trying to make a place for yourself in another person's life. Do not think that just showing up will win you instant friends. It can be a long, painstaking process, and most people you meet already have their own friends and lives. You must always show interest in other people before they will show interest in you, if they ever do.
5. 5
   Take risks about revealing yourself. Say what's on your mind, if it seems at all likely the other person will be receptive. It can hurt when it backfires, but it's worth it a million times over if it works.
6. 6
   Remember that we are all alone inside our heads; we are born and die alone; it's nothing special. Every person who has ever lived has been lonely. Love wouldn't exist without loneliness to inspire it. Look at your loneliness with detachment.
7. 7
   Notice the difference between loneliness and solitude. Imagine this is the last day you will ever be alone. What would you do?
8. 8
   Join an online community. Sometimes it can help. If you're willing to help others as well as being helped yourself, check out the free Phone Buddies peer counseling community. Remember to be safe when online though not everyone is who they say they are and predators feed off of loneliness.
9. 9
   When feeling lonely, don't allow yourself to wallow in your loneliness. Do something, anything! Take a walk, ride your bike.
10. 10
    Do everything you would normally do with a partner or friend. Many times it isn't the partner or friend you are missing, but the activities and hobbies you shared. Take yourself out for a date. For example, if you would have gone out to dinner or to a movie on a date, then take yourself out to a movie or to a nice restaurant. Don't hold yourself back, though it may look sort of strange.

Tips

• Connect with anyone who you assess to be genuine, and who is around you. Following your instincts about people can be important here. Just because someone is around/near you, doesn't mean they are good (vs. bad)company. Sometimes being alone is better than being in bad company.
• Set up social activities when you're not feeling lonely. Anticipate.
• Read literature and go to museums/theater/dance. Art reaches inside.
• For those with religious beliefs, consider fellowship with those of your faith. Most churches should have some sort of regular fellowship, if your church doesn’t then consider starting one.
• Remember that reaching out to someone else lonelier than you could give you more happiness than you could imagine.
• Learn to meditate so that you have the experience of being loved and nurtured emotionally by other sources than human beings.
• Consider getting a pet! Animals can make marvelous companions; they give unconditional love, and can offer you loyal company. Walking a dog can also be a great way of meeting other people!
• Try not to get stuck into a rut with routines; routines allow you to go on auto-pilot, allowing you to day-dream about "what could be." Even worse, you're less likely to act on those day-dreams, because you'll be comfortable with your routines. Shake things up!
• Engage yourself in some activity that would keep your mind occupied.
• Remember that loneliness happens to everyone and that there is someone to talk to. Surround yourself with positive people.
• Create a positive mood and atmosphere. Realize that loneliness can be a right time to try out something new, relax or nurture your creativity.After all some of the great personalities spent a lot of time alone.
• "Fake it until you make it". Just do it & deal with the issues that come up. In your exploration you will find the solutions.
• Learn to be happy with yourself. When you like/love who you are it shows. People like to be around upbeat confident people.

Warnings

• Loneliness is a state where cults, gangs, and other groups which will negatively influence you will find you most vulnerable. Be careful and listen to what others have to say about any group you are thinking of joining.
• If you have a persistent feeling of loneliness, please seek medical help. It might be a sign of depression.
• Watch out! Becoming overly dependent on online communities as a social outlet may lead to addiction and more complications.
• Avoid trolls during all online conversations.
• When talking about yourself, avoid getting too personal. This might put people off, and invite mistreatment.
• Realize that one can be "lonely in a crowd". You may have friends, family, and acquaintances, but still feel lonely. For some people, it is difficult to connect with those around them. In this case, outside counseling may help.
• Don't allow yourself to wallow in self-pity. Find someone who needs your help: tutoring, babysitting, house painting, car washing, gardening, cleaning. After several hours of this, you will feel much better.

A wish to tell this to...

I don't have friends. I mean, I have friends. But the friend I mentioned before, I don't. You said there's no such friend. And I forget to refer or describe it as "a friend that sticks closer than a brother," sticks close than a sister. That friend, I don't have.

Most times, I think of you as one. I even want to be your friend as well but the only relationship I know that we have is a teacher-student. I don't know anything more than that.

You have told me to stop asking you, telling you, texting you, talking to you about my troubles. I actually have stopped telling you most. (Now, I doubt to even tell you this entry.) And I mostly make poor decisions. I always have a hard time finding alternatives. I only follow first thing that comes to mind. Last time, I didn't tell you I was so scared when I had my duty. I only told you I had a duty the next day. If I texted you about it, I already knew what you were going to tell me. But I have wished that you would someday tell me "Good luck".

You'd wish me luck. God bless. Take Care. I even imagined that my dog can say that before I leave to the place I'm scared of. The only responses I know a "friend" would say. Many times, I say those things to people. "Ingatz!"

I'm not a good friend. I guess, I'm just a good acquaintance. But I can be a great friend. I can be so loyal. I can keep promises unless there's a major conflict that I can't keep the promise.

But people will not always be there. I should learn to appreciate the friends I have now. And I think I don't know how to be appreciative. Dr. Go and someone told me, I should learn to appreciate. I don't quite remember you told me that, too.

And I have less exposure to the social world. No matter how much I try to mingle around, find people to be with, I still have more times by myself. And yeah, also being alone in the midst of a crowd.

God is the only best friend we all can have. But many times, I want Him to be one that I can hug, see, hear, and converse with. And I don't seem to connect all the dots about social life, from help to friendship. This is the connection that I was trying to connect when you told me about that I have to face my problems without running for help. I understand what you said but connecting, I cannot. I just don't know how to explain it, so I am not able to share it. What is friendship anyway and what is help?

My comment on "Shutdown: A Specific Type of Meltdown"

(this is my comment on Shutdown: A Specific Type of Meltdown. I'll just post it here because my comment says it's too large and I want to share everything.)

I am diagnosed as borderline-schizoid PD. I agree with BPD but not SPD. I still have questions about myself until found that SPD is like Aspergers. It took me months later to finally assess myself for aspergers after becoming so confused. And alas, all traits of aspergers answers questions about me. I opened this to my Doc but he said aspergers are retarded. At first I thought he meant autism but aspergers it was. Since I last saw my Doc, 3 months ago, I am waiting to be confirmed as aspergers.

I have shutdowns like "meep" (a commenter). When I'm overstimulated, I tend to shutdown most of the times. Before, I meltdown in my room. I'm self-destructive. I punch walls, hit my head and body against walls. After the rage, I shutdown, I get so exhausted too. I get sleepy then I fall asleep. Now, I am not allowed to self-destruct, so I mostly just shutdown though most times I want to repeat the punching, it makes me feel alive and I don't feel pain but only after all the rage. (I'm not taking meds either, I've been off for 2 years now, Doc says I don't need them, I only need to "change".) But I recently have been having more meltdowns out in the open (and I mean where I am not alone) and I kinda like it better. Cos when having my shutdowns or meltdowns alone without people around, no one is there to help me and I fail to tell or let my counselor know/see my misery. Cos if in the open, she can see me. Sadly, she rarely/barely sees or knows when I am having a shutdown. She only sees me with it if she pays attention or look after my every move and she'd make a remark, "You seem to be looking so frail."

When I have a meltdown, I just cover my ears or put my hands to my head and if more triggers come, I scream and if more then more, there's a possibility I could self-destruct. I guess, this is my stress cycle: stressed, (shutdown) reserved & quiet & isolation, (meltdown) hands to my head & shout/suppressed yelling & punch & hurting myself or if driving, reckless, and rarely hurt someone but mostly my brother, he's my #1 trigger, (shutdown) tired/exhausted & quiet & slow in speech and pace & sleepy & falling asleep. I may skip some but it still is a cycle.

I tend to have meltdowns when things are really too much already and I couldn't hang on any longer or suppressing isn't helping anymore and that solitude cannot wait or unavailable. Though after a meltdown, I shutdown even in front of people because I'm exhausted already. I get too quiet and slow mentally and physically like walking or picking up things. When I have my meltdowns, I like it when my counselor is there to the rescue after I calmed down a bit from a meltdown because only in meltdowns can I get a touch/hug/embrace from her. In regular days, I am only up to wishing she would embrace me even in "almost-shutting-down" times. Even feeling depressed times. And now I think I have some relationship distress issues with her because she seemed to now show disinterest on me. I think I have tire her. I think she doesn't like me anymore. I think she has other people needing more of her attention than mine even though my Doc tells me she's giving me special treatment/special sttention but I didn't believe my Doc because I seemed to be treated by her less than special, less than normal. Treated very exceptional and I mean that she doesn't treat me like the others like e.g. a hug. I am, I guess, the most problem person in our church of only 200 members.

Btw, she was my computer teacher 11 yrs ago, a Sunday school teacher, a bible study leader, one of the pastors in our church, and my counselor, a good friend.

I'm sorry about my last parts of my sharing. I'm just exhausted and still is since getting overstimulated and shutting down 5 days now. And it seems I really lost my counselor/best friend now after she told me that we stop meeting until 2 months later because she thinks I'm clingy after giving her bad remarks and frequently getting angry at her. And sometimes I think she may not be liking my emotions/meltdowns out in the open. The "2 months" was up a month ago. But I really think I lost her now. She doesn't understand me though she thinks she does. And I'll always be a loner. I guess I'm just too incompatible with relationships. From my first counselor 7 years ago who just suddenly "disappeared", taking away her commitment to help me because when she found me, she saw the loner in me, it was from her I first learned the word LONER.

This present counselor I have. She found me two years ago and I was depressed. Sick of school. Sick of the course I took, it wasn't my liking nor my decision because I was undecided. Sick of adjusting to a new house during my 3rd year in college, a very toxic year. Sick of inability to keep friends. Etcetera.

And now I can't wait to leave my hometown. So I will no longer see the people here. Still wishing to find people who understand me and can really help me and whom I can hug without me always asking for it and just receive a NO.

And I despise myself.

Or I don't know. Maybe I'm just mostly a shutdown type. I'm not quite sure of the difference of meltdown or shutdown. I don't like to hurt people. I also drive wrecklessly when a meltdown occurs while I'm driving.

I really don't like these shutdowns and meltdowns..

Asperger Syndrome - Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation - FamilyLife.com

Asperger Syndrome - Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation - FamilyLife.com

You don’t have to be an expert on AS in order to help someone with AS. A good place to start is understanding what the Bible teaches about every person.

By Michael R. Emlet

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Max struggles to connect with others. He talks at people rather than with them. He has an obsessive interest in the weather and talks constantly about it.

Max is also socially awkward. He doesn’t look people in the eye when he speaks to them, and he seems unaware of the subtleties of verbal and nonverbal communication. When he gets anxious, it is not unusual for him to repeatedly tap his feet or hands. Those who know him view him as “odd” or as a “conceited geek” and, at best, tolerate him. He has no good friends.

Do you know someone like Max? Perhaps you recognize your child, your student, or your youth group member in the description of his struggles. A brief explanation cannot do justice to Max’s experience (or to others who struggle as he does), but if Max were evaluated medically he would possibly receive a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (AS).

How should you think about Max’s experience and diagnosis? And how can you help someone who has AS?

God, in the Bible, has many useful and hopeful things to say that will guide you as you relate to someone with AS. This article will approach Asperger Syndrome from the perspective of parents whose child has been diagnosed with AS, but these basic principles will help anyone who wants to understand AS from a biblical perspective.

What is Asperger Syndrome?

Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger first described the problem in 1944, but it was not until 1991 that the constellation of symptoms/experiences now known as Asperger Syndrome (or Asperger’s Disorder) became more widely known and accepted. In 1994 the American Psychiatric Association included the diagnosis in their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Since then, as many as one in 250 children and adults may meet the diagnostic criteria.[1] The medical community places AS in the same family of problems such as autism, what the DSM calls “pervasive developmental disorders.”

Those with AS have a difficult time developing good relationships, particularly with peers, for several reasons:

• Nonverbal communication struggles—children with AS have trouble expressing and interpreting nonverbal forms of communication such as eye contact, facial expressions, body postures, and gestures. They may miss or misinterpret subtle nonverbal cues that signal anger, irritation, boredom, or amusement in others, often leading to misunderstanding and conflict in relationships.
• Verbal communication struggles—unlike autistic children, those with AS can express themselves verbally, but they struggle to use these abilities wisely in the midst of conversations. They are better at communicating information about things they know than entering into the give and take of normal conversation.
• Lack of social or emotional reciprocity—AS children struggle to understand and relate to the feelings of others. This does not mean that they have no feelings; but that they have difficulty entering into another person’s experiences, emotions, and thoughts.

Children with AS are also intensely preoccupied with their chosen interest(s) or activities. Max’s consuming interest in all things relating to the weather is an example. In addition,

AS children prefer sameness and routine, and because of this, struggle with any change in their schedule. Often children with AS use repetitive motor mannerisms such as finger or foot tapping or hand/arm flapping.

Other symptoms and behaviors seen with AS include the following:

• Sensory integration problems (an unusually intense reaction to certain sights, sounds, smells, tastes, or odors).
• Auditory processing problems (difficulty filtering out background noise).
• Motor clumsiness.
• Difficulty with multi-tasking or following directions.

What causes AS?

The short answer is, we don’t know. Most researchers link AS to faulty neurological (brain) development, but there are no definite brain-based or genetic markers that uniquely distinguish AS from other autistic disorders (or from normal). People with AS do have a consistently diminished capacity to understand the desires, ideas, and feelings of other people. They find it exceptionally challenging to “be in another person’s shoes.” So, what might seem like a simple case of selfish, willful disregard of another person’s feelings or desires may in fact be a brain-based weakness that makes it more difficult for the AS person to “look not only to [their] own interests, but also the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4, ESV).

Approaching AS from a biblical worldview

You don’t have to be an “expert” on AS in order to help someone with AS. What the Bible teaches about every person will enable you to reach out wisely, compassionately, and truthfully to AS individuals. You and your AS child are alike in some very important ways.

• Image bearer: The Bible teaches that every person is an image bearer of the living God (Genesis 1:27). Each person is created to reflect the character and purposes of God in the context of our world (Genesis 1:28; Psalm 8:4-8). Knowing that Jesus came to renew the true image of God (Colossians 3:10; Ephesians 4:24), which was marred by the fall of mankind into sin, should encourage you that God can and will work in your AS child, just as He is working in your life.
• Worshipper: Bob Dylan was right when he sang, “You gotta’ serve somebody!” The apostle Paul says the same thing in Romans 1:18-25. To be an image bearer is to know that God created you and requires you to worship and submit to Him. The essential question in your life is, who (or what) will you serve—the Creator or created things like power, control, comfort, money, sex, etc? Helping someone means encouraging him to orient himself toward God, submit to God’s rule and purposes, just as you do in your own life. This “levels the playing field” between you and someone with AS.
• Body/Spirit: God has created us as both material (bodily) and immaterial (spiritual) selves (Genesis 2:7; Matthew 10:28; John 3:6). This means that helping someone will involve spiritual issues as well as physical (or brain-based) issues. This does not mean you need to be a “spiritual professional” (like a pastor) or a “body professional” (like a medical doctor) to reach your AS child. Simply noticing where your child struggles to submit to God’s will and purposes, and where your child’s brain-based weaknesses contribute to that struggle will help her.
• Unique gifting: God affirms every member of the body of Christ as having unique gifts and an important function within the body (1 Corinthians 12). Ask yourself: “How might this person’s strengths benefit the body of Christ?” This avoids the temptation of assuming “different” is necessarily “bad.”

Being aware of these basic similarities will help you to minister in a balanced and holistic way—having compassion and patience for the body/brain-based differences characteristic of AS and encouraging the AS person spiritually, to make choices that honor God and others.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO

Helping your AS child means making biblically wise distinctions between spiritual/sin issues (the realm of the heart) and bodily or brain-based issues/differences and addressing each accordingly. What does this look like in practice?

ADDRESSING BRAIN-BASED WEAKNESSES

Remember that not everything socially “odd” is sinful! Your child does need specific help to improve his social awareness and interpersonal skills, but beware of jumping to conclusions about what is sin and what is not. What appears rude (standing too close, not making eye contact, being bluntly honest) may well be more about neurological differences than a failure to love others well. So you should respond with compassion, not rebuke.

Be attentive to the ways AS strugglers experience their world. Here are some sample descriptions from those with AS I have counseled:

• “I get overwhelmed in large groups.”
• “I don’t get jokes until later.”
• “I tend to see the parts, not the whole.”
• “I misread what people are thinking and feeling all the time.”
• “It’s hard to change gears in the moment.”

These comments don’t necessarily suggest sin in the person’s action or motive. Recognizing these brain-based tendencies will help you to relate more wisely, prompting you to ask more questions and to listen to honest struggles.

Identify potential environmental distractions. It is challenging for people with AS to respond to the many verbal and nonverbal cues in their environment. They may react strongly to touches, smells, sounds, tastes, and sights that wouldn’t upset the typical person. So it is wise to consider, as you relate to your child, “Is there something going on in her environment that is distracting her and making it hard for her to listen?” If so, remove or modify the distraction. If that is not possible move your child.

Break complex tasks into bite-sized pieces. This may keep a child who struggles with prioritizing and multitasking from becoming overwhelmed and angry.

Recognize developmental level. Typically, AS children lag about three years behind their peers in social and emotional development.[2] A nine-year-old with AS may speak like an older child, but think and act more like a six-year-old in other ways. This will affect the way you praise, instruct, and discipline him. The younger the developmental age, the simpler and more concrete you need to be in your communication.

Use clear communication. Give simple directions in short, uncomplicated sentences. Avoid metaphor, slang, and figures of speech. Don’t use vague responses like “perhaps” or “we’ll see.” It is better to say, “I don’t know the answer to that question right now. Ask me again tomorrow.”

Seek training in social skills. This can be informal, in the context of your own family, or more formal, in the context of groups specifically geared toward helping children with AS improve their relational skills. (Look for more information on this in the “Frequently Asked Question” section below.)

ADDRESSING SPIRITUAL LIFE

Remember the ultimate goal. The goal of parenting an AS child is the same as parenting a non-AS child: to shepherd his or her heart in relation to the living God. Focusing on spiritual life involves more than addressing sinful behavior! It also includes teaching, instruction, and encouragement (“Here’s how I saw Jesus at work in your life today.”).

Encourage them to value the input of others. One particular area for growth in AS children is learning to receive and value the feedback and input of others. Since AS children struggle to see life from any perspective except their own, this requires great patience. But if an AS struggler can learn to trust those who love him and receive their feedback, offered with consistency and grace, it can be a productive way of learning. “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future” (Proverbs 19:20).

Don’t ignore sinful behavior. A person with AS is still called to obey the first and second great commandments: Love God and love your neighbors (Luke 10:27). Don’t forget, the same sinful motivations we all have at certain times—envy, the desire for power or control, fear of failure, desire for success, demand for attention, love of comfort, and desire for pleasure (among others)—are going to be active in the heart of an AS child as well. Most likely they will be a part (sometimes a large part) of what underlies some problem behaviors.

You can deal with sinful behavior in a variety of ways appropriate for your AS child. Sometimes you need to take immediate action (e.g. removing a child in the midst of a tantrum to protect other children). But you should also discuss with your child later why the behavior was wrong and what might have motivated it. Then it is important to encourage your child to ask forgiveness from Jesus and others (1 John 1:9; Matthew 5:23-24).

Seek opportunities for service in the body of Christ. AS children and adults are important members of the body of Christ and they should be encouraged to participate in the various ministries of the church. This deliberate “outward face” counters the social inertia of AS that often leads to isolation. Educating ministry leaders about AS is an important aspect of promoting involvement of AS individuals in the life of the church. Not all ministries of the church will be an appropriate match, but seek places where your child’s creativity, intelligence, and passionate knowledge of favorite subjects can be of benefit to the body.

I hope that this overview of AS helps to explain the struggles that your child has, but also gives you a hopeful framework for ministry to him that is sensitive to both his brain-based developmental differences and his spiritual life before God and others.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

My 10-year-old child has AS. What are some ways I can help him when I see him doing something wrong?

1. Keep calm and be aware of your facial expressions and tone of voice as you speak with your child. Remember, AS children have difficulty reading both verbal and nonverbal communication. An angry scowl or a harsh tone of voice will only upset your child more.

2. Ask questions. Your son has particular reasons for his actions. Asking questions will help you to understand the deeper reasons for their actions—and you may find out that the motivation was not sinful at all (Proverbs 20:5). Of course, if your child is in the midst of a full-blown tantrum this will not be the time to ask questions, but to take calm, deliberate action (like picking him up and leaving the grocery store rather than attempting to reason with him).

3. Don’t overwhelm him with words. This is particularly true if he is in the middle of a tantrum. When things are calmer, find out why your child fell apart, ask simple questions that will uncover your child’s motivations, and then explain how to maintain control in straightforward, concise ways.

4. Don’t have the same expectations for obedience that you might have for a non-AS child. Be sensitive to what your son is capable of—otherwise you might exasperate him. Just as you parent a 12-year-old differently than a three-year-old, so you also have to tailor your parenting to your son’s abilities and level of maturity. He is called to love God and others, but the specific contours of that obedience will be different for him because of his abilities and developmental age.

Can you give me some specific ideas on how to help develop social skills in my eight-year-old child who has AS?

·Helping your child develop better social skills is very important, but remember how hard this is for her. Ask God to give you and her patience. Training an AS child in social skills will vary depending on the age of the child, but a lot of the basics will be the same, no matter what the age. Here are some practical, concrete things you can do that will help her:

1. Teach her simple rules of social engagement. Many of these things we take for granted. You may not remember having to formally learn them. But for an AS child who does not have the innate ability to relate socially it is important to be very proactive. What might some of these “rules” look like?

• When someone greets or talks with you, try to glance at their eyes as much as you can.
• Stand no closer than 36 inches away from someone when talking with them.
• When someone compliments you, respond with “thank you.”
• When approaching a group of children, here are some things you could say to help you join them: “Hi, what are you playing?” “That looks like fun. Can I join you?” etc.
• Discuss appropriate ways of greeting different people. For example, a kiss might be appropriate for an immediate family member, but a handshake would be appropriate for a stranger.

2. Learn to take turns in conversation. Practice the “back and forth” of normal conversation, which includes asking questions or making a comment based upon what a person has just said.

3. Recognize and rate emotions. For a younger child, simple pictures of a smiley face (happy), a sad face (sad), a scowling face (mad) can be used to identify emotional states within themselves and others. For older children, using pictures in magazines and books or play-acting different emotions in front of a mirror may help.

4. Use books and movies as launching points for discussing what characters might be thinking or feeling in a particular situation. This will help your daughter to recognize another person’s state of mind, something that does not come naturally to her.

5. Schedule social experiences that are brief and more structured. A parentally supervised one-on-one play time with a peer is likely to be a better experience than a group birthday party. As your child matures socially, she can work her way up to longer social interactions.

6. Use resources that are specifically designed to help develop social skills. Two examples are Carol Gray’s books, Comic Strip Conversations and The New Social Story Book.

7. Try enrolling your child in a social skills group. This is a more formal option, but it will put your child with other children who are struggling and they can work on learning social skills together.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

Neither of these resources is written from a Christian perspective, but they are full of helpful, practical suggestions that discerning believers can adapt for their own use:

The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, by Tony Atwood. Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2007.

The O.A.S.I.S. Guide to Asperger Syndrome: Advice, Support, Insight, and Inspiration, by Patricia Romanowski Bache and Barbara L. Kirby. New York: Crown Publishers, 2001.

© Copyright 2010 by the Christian Counseling & Education Foundation. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

MICHAEL R. EMLET, M.Div., M.D., practiced as a family physician for 12 years before becoming a counselor and faculty member at CCEF. He is the author of many counseling articles, booklets, and books, including Asperger Syndrome and OCD: Freedom for the Obsessive Compulsive.

---

[1] Patricia Romanowski Bashe and Barbara L. Kirby, The O.A.S.I.S. Guide to Asperger Syndrome (New York: Crown Publishers, 2001), 12.

[2] Bashe and Kirby, 306.

A Home Quote

"A home is not a house. It is not just a place where we rest and reside. It is a place in the hearts of our loved ones. A home is a family, biological or not. A place where we feel safe, loved, and always welcome."

Dear God (Aug 22, 2010)

Dear God,

I don't know how you've engineered me. I don't know your plans. I have heard I shouldn't be aware of myself but be aware more about you.

I don't know you. I don't always get to hear from you or feel a touch from you. I have read your Word and could remember where a verse is placed. I could recite and decipher, but I fail to incorporate verses when faced with troubles. I don't know or I may have forgotten how to be intimate with you.

I have been told that you could never allow something to happen to me if I don't really like it. However, I doubt that because how come I am still haunted by it again and again? How come I'm still facing that something which I really hate?

Now, I am actually doing videos with payment. However, I seem like I want out from it. Maybe because of the feeling of pressure which I don't like. Am I not to avoid some things that is overwhelming me? How come I am always faced and couldn't stay away from the things that overwhelms me?

God, it's too much. Whenever I am overwhelmed, my mind narrows. I couldn't widen it so I could think or focus on you and your Word. My mind narrows that it could only focus forward on the overwhelming situation. I try looking back thinking maybe I can escape yet all I could see is a long dark tunnel.

Things that overwhelm me with pressure and I end up weary:

Nursing/hospital works

School/grades

Work/deadlines

People/socialzing and fitting in

Following orders/inability to do them well properly

God, how can I get focused on you when I always forget about you? I distract myself with things that I could easily reach and do. I don't know how to distract with you. Sometimes I wish that I'm taught more about you and your ways, and less of your acts, less of what I am supposed to act like as a Christian.

I couldn't even call myself as a Christian without being ashamed because aside from doctrine and the gospel of your birth and death here on earth to save us from our sins, I still don't understand that. Your Word says you love me. Even from my mother's womb you know my name. You love me that you even let me come to be conscious of you. I can't even turn back from the Truth because you've let me know you are Truth.

God, I'm lost. Save me from everything. From being overwhelmed and from being unable to understand the gospel and your Love no matter how much I know your Word. Save me.

Dear God (Aug 6, 2009)

Dear God, there is not a day you forget me. Not a day you give up on me. Not a day you leave me. These mood swings are part my personality. When I'm up and high, may I be happy enjoying your blessings. When I'm down and low, may I remember your goodness, remember those days you made me feel your presence.

Dear God, I thank you for this smile of mine. The smile can be the worst lie I could make. People may see me so happy because of the smile but nobody can see the person crying deep inside, deep beneath that smile. I still thank you for the smile for even in worst times, I can smile. Others have a hard time to just smile, but a smile shows the meaning of my name and the treasure you set me. A smile can make things light. Yet a smile is all I can offer to this weary heart.

Dear God, there are just a lot of down times I don't understand. Downs I am not sure of. Downs I can't talk about. Downs I can't describe.

Dear God, I know, you know more than I do. And I thank you.

Dear God, the days don't stop, don't rewind, don't (thank goodness!) fast forward. But what more can I ask for, what more I can't wait for, but that day, the time I am ready and you take me home to be with you. It may seem weird to be asking for death but death to me is life.

Dear God, set before me your plans. Set before me your goals. Set me the person you will me be.

Dear God, I don't want to stop thinking of you even in times I feel like giving up and pessimistic. I don't want to be relying on others to fill my needs. Things are temporary out here and you know how fearful I am. Fearful of broken or faded relationships. Fearful of growing up. Fearful to live long. Fearful of almost everything. I still want you more than I want your people. Yet I thank you for the particular persons you have sent me through these years. Some painful, some vanished. Some grateful, some fulfilling. And some, I thank you so much that if only I could measure the universe and scale how much I thank you for that.

Dear God, if only these things last, but I know, there are new things in every new stages in life, and you have new in store for me. 21 or not. I'm just me....me engulfed by you.

Dear God, thank you for letting me have a relationship with you.

Do I have Aspergers? Or this is just another of my delusions?

Your Aspie score: 148 of 200

Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 52 of 200

You are very likely an Aspie

This is a diagram of how I may be an Aspie. I took this quiz from http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php.

If I am to go back to my early years, I don't remember anything much. Everything is just a blur. I thought that being able not to remember my past may be because of trauma: separation from mother at an early age, physical beatings, verbal abuse, inconsistent show of love (pain from the spanking and immediate soothing). I was a crybaby as was told. Mother didn't like my crying so she would just pass me around esp. to my Father.

I don't know if I'm close with my Father or not but I know I'm more comfortable with him than my Mother. I can initiate touches with him but not my mother. I always feel awkward when with my mother or going out with her.

Aspergers first came to mind when I read an article that schizoid and aspergers have similar traits. I took the ASQ, I scored 38. Took the EQ, I got 18. I still score high on borderline and schizoid. I didn't think I was an asperger until I started having misunderstanding with my counelor because I was becoming clingy. She said we need healthy distance. Don't know what she meant by healthy distance except I understood it as isolation or my detach-attach cycle. I had that cycle before I met my counselor and referred to a psychiatrist.

And I'm very confused. How come I cannot do the things which she told me to do? It's hard to control my negative thoughts and emotions. How come I'm different from people when it comes to understanding socializing and conversations? I'm already diagnosed having Borderline and Schizoid PD. I have thought that my talents were brought by these disorders.

I asked my Doctor if schizoid is similar to aspergers. He said they are very different. That at the age 9, an asperger would become retarded. While a schizoid don't like to be in a social group. At first, I thought he may be thinking Autism. But when I mentioned the word Autism, he still said the same on aspergers. I didn't tell him about it any further. But was still confused.

I may have unusual skills and abilities and have been identified as weird, unique, different, genius. I enjoy learning. I have a lust for knowledge. In my later elementary years and high school, I like to be in the library every lunch time to read: fictions and science books.

When I was young, I don't think I have problems with dressing up or tying my shoes. I had a boy best friend at age 4 but they moved afterwards. I didn't have anymore close friends after him. Most of my playmates were boys. I don't like to play house with girls. I like guns, cars, and toy soldiers more. i hate Barbies. But when we moved, my neighbors were mostly girls. So I learned to play Barbie and house with them and I always volunteered to be the baby though I was the eldest. I still hate Barbies. I have a collection, gifts to me, but I hate them. As we grew, we now play water gun wars, basketball, and biking, and I like all of them. But when I entered high school, I barely go out with them.

I don't have much friends in school. I have always thought I'm okay on my own. Until in my 2nd yr High school, my Grade 5 Sunday School teacher (who later became my 1st yr HS Bible study leader, then later my first counselor and first friend) came to me and said I was a loner. The first time I heard that word. At home, I was having bad times with my mother. I learned to share and be open with my counselor-teacher-friend. But a year later, she found out I was weird and clingy. She just disappeared from being my counselor. Though I saw her every week in church, I didn't talk to her anymore.

I learned to make friends and be open with my classmates when my counselor came. But when she disappeared, I vowed myself, I would no longer be friendly or make friends. A few of my classmates hated me. I hate myself, too. But because I didn't want people to hate me. I started to be friendly again. But being with people was always a hardwork for me. I never go out much in high school, only have I done it before graduation. The whole batch was always going out before and after practices and thought that "if college would be like this, I want to try it out." So I went out with them.

I never liked kisses, touches, and hugs. But the first good sensation from touch was from my first counselor. I felt her kindness and care from her embraces. But when she disappeared, I never liked or had that kind of touch again. Whenever I had a headache or a stomachache, I never want people to show their sympathy by hugging me because I hurt more.

In college, it was hard to maintain friendship with people especially I got to have different classmates every semester. It was always hard to remember people's name and when had we met. I adore my first friend in college but we lost contact after we got separated in the next semester. I still call her a dear friend. There was one summer class which I had four of my highschool friends. Every day we go out together, eat together and study together. But one day, I missed studying on my own, so I went away from them alone. They were wondering where I went though. I was even coined as the "Batgirl" because I would suddenly disappear and suddenly appear. And they always had those surprised looks in them.

I miss all my old friends and I wish that when we meet, we would still have the same interactions as before. But that's far from happening. Whenever I meet or are with them, I'm quiet and feeling awkward at the same time because I'm not updated.

When it comes to concentration, I can only focus on subjects I am interested with. Like Math. I'm a visual learner. I score higher in visual-spatial. In school, if the teacher displays his lessons on the projection screen, I'd rather like it when he puts less words and more pictures. If the teacher puts the whole book or his outline on the projection screen and just read them. I'd rather not follow him and his lessons unless he not read it and would teach us right like he knows the lesson by heart. To me, a good teacher or speaker is one who knows what he's teaching by heart. There, I can listen attentively and concentrate.

I also have a photographic memory.

In conversations, I'm the shy, quiet one. I talk only when in areas I have interest with. Because if they let me talk in other things I have no idea of, I can't talk. I don't talk much. I only talk when I can relate. I don't mind being always the listener but I do mind people to listen to me when I talk. When I talk, it's mostly sermon-like. One time, I was told that whenever I talk they always find themselves listening attentively.

I'm clumsy sometimes. Before, I was even clumsier.

Last year, I need to have tinted eyeglasses because bright lights are becoming a headache. I have astigmatism. I don't know if this photosensitivity is part of aspergers. When I was younger, I don't mind being exposed under the sun. But now, I don't like to be under the sun because it burns my skin. I am having more allergies (food, dust, sun) when I started college. About my auditory, I can hear very soft sounds, it can be irritating, esp. very loud sounds like being under or near a school bell. I don't like cars honking infront of me.

I like Math. I like Chemistry. I graduated high school with the highest score in Math. In college, I got A's in Chemistry. I like patterns and figures. I like photography but I don't photograph patterns, I don't know why, I only like to look at them and adore the shapes. I do video editing. The only person who does video editing in church. I'm a musician. Music was my life. I play the piano well. People get frustrated when they see me play. What they do not know, I also get frustrated when someone plays so well because I think of myself that I don't play so well. I'm intellectual but ignorant about life and society.

In a flatboard or tiles, I like the irregular shapes and would look if there is a familiar shape like a man, a duck, etc. I always like that. I'm fascinated by it. However, when it comes to license plates, I'm bothered to always find myself staring at those plates and store signs, etc. I get to remember them easily as well. It was so grave before except now that I learned to always shift my gaze from them. I told my psychiatrist this recently (after two years from first diagnosed) and he mentioned obsessive-compulsive. Told him I am not OCD. He believes not also. But I am thinking of aspergers, but didn't tell him that after he gave me a wrong explanation of aspergers.

In college, I was found depressed. I didn't like my course and having a hard time with the society and still was bothered with the situation with my first counselor. My Grade 5 computer teacher-Grade 6 Sunday school teacher-Baptismal teacher became my new counselor. She noticed I may depressed and referred my to a professional. That was when I was diagnosed Borderline-schizoid. I always wonder about the schizoid part.

I'm a dreamer. I have my own world too. And I always get lost in reality. I always talk to myself. Even talk to someone not there. Like talking to a friend whom I know isn't really infront of me. However, this frustrates me, I can talk to the not-there-friend so well but when I talk to her in reality, I can't talk the way I practiced with her in absence.

Two years, I am with my counselor until two months ago, she thinks she couldn't help me anymore. Like I don't do what she tells me to. My doctor told me that I may just be resisting because I want her attention.

Yeah, I want her attention. But I also want to be better. However, what she tells me to do is beginning to be very difficult.

She told me that I'm very sensitive to people's actions towards me but I'm insensitive to my actions toward them. I don't understand.

I was said that I'm very blessed to have people come to my life but I don't seem to notice until told.

My mother said she loves me, and she doesn't know if I know that. I try to know my family loves me but I don't get it.

I love my family. I love my counselor. I love my friends. But it seems like love is just a dream.

My counselor can touch me but deep inside, I still feel that uneasiness but I still just let her. But I'm very okay to initiate it myself but always scared to do it thinking they may not like me hugging them.

I may have friends but I'm not always with them. My friends are mostly from church. I really don't have a group to call my own until one Sunday, I heard like I'm part of the Sunday group. The Sunday group includes mostly the middle-aged, as old as my parents. I'm okay with them. I can talk to them but not always. I play Word Factory with them and I always win. It's like I can level with their thoughts. I learn from them too. Of course, one of them is like a walking encyclopedia. Another is an architect. Both are single middle-aged men. The rest, well, normal. However, sometimes I think they're babysitting me. At least, now I know where to go with on Sundays when I want to go out: with them. But on weekdays, I'm mostly by myself and my computer. After socializing, I always find myself exhausted and depressed. Depressed because a good time has passed away. Exhausted because I don't know. After every Sunday out with people, I always make Monday a day to recuperate and I don't like to go out with people on Mondays.

I don't naturally fit with gender stereotypes. People have mistaken me to be lesbian. But I'm 100% girl. My counselor just told me I have to learn to dress more feminine. I may not dress like other ladies or like the media but I'm still a girl. Most clothes in my wardrobe are just shirts and jeans. I would only dress very lady-like on occasions. And if only I have more social activities and is working, then I wouldn't worry dressing on regular days.

Many have thought I don't have problems with the society because they've seen me okay with people. First, I improved like my counselor said. Second, I learned that being with people might help me a lot and lessen depression. Third, I couldn't stay home longer, I get nervous and may even get depressed. Fourth, I want to experience and know love and learn people and learn my environment and stay away from my own world which gives me nothing. However, being with people is always hardwork and tiresome. I still couldn't maintain relationships. I still couldn't understand people. I still couldn't relate to people. I'm still odd around people. I think I'm just using them just to make myself feel good inside.

Right now, I'm confused and disturbed about everything. About life in the society. About my relationship with my couselor. About people may be just using me for my abilities and freetime because I'm not employed, still planning to study accountancy after graduating nursing because I hate it, I don't know how to care people. About if there really is future for me. About being understood. About being normal in my spiritual walk with God and still be exceptionally different in His family.

In Christ, I have a future. In Christ, I have peace. In Christ, I'm well. But where is Jesus Christ? I know a lot about the Bible, I know God's acts, but I'm not sure if I know His ways. And I still don't understand or the teachings being taught to me are so fast I couldn't catch up. I want to be better. God says build my relationship with Him. I should stop seeking people and start seeking Him.

I'm not bothered with my diagnoses nor Aspergers. I'm just bothered with me in the society. Bothered how come I'm so different, being so difficult. Bothered with being misunderstood. If ever I have Aspergers, I would praise God, finally I'm well and properly diagnosed then I'll be properly helped maybe. If I don't have Aspergers, please God HELP me. Or better, God just take me away from here.

I'm frustrated because if only I was found earlier, I may then be treated differently. Be treated for who I am not for who I'm not. I may be 22 but I don't feel, think, or act 22.

Am I seeking for a diagnosis? I just seeking to be understood.