Lady of SOME Youth

Surrounded by a crowd of people

The whole 18th floor is so full

All shades and sizes, corporate and casual

No one is left behind for this Ball

Dancing and singing

Gentlemen laughing

Chisms of ladies

Updates swarm like bees

But in one corner lay a lady

Dressed in lace and hair well kept

No one knew where she'd been or who's with her

She's all quiet and yet so beautiful

She cried, "Is no one ever going to ask me for a dance?"

Nobody heard her cute little voice in a room full of chatter

She tossed herself around the room wishing for a familiar face

Sadly, she knew most of the people, but no one seems to have seen her pass

"Everyone's here, and no one seems to be missing this ball..." she thought

Still she circled around hoping someone would invite her to join a flock

She then stayed in one table with a few good faces near the dance floor

They welcomed her in the table, even offered her a sit

The host formerly pronounced the start of the ball,

"Princesses, time to hang on to your dancing shoes

While the gentlemen, ahem, take your ladies, let's go swingin'..."

Every corner, every crowd, every table, every one is quick to the dancefloor...

Beautiful ladies, wearing their best clothes

Sparkling and glittering, the lights shine their glory

Men, men of old, men of youth, wearing their ties and bons

Handsome they appear, Gentle manly, they are dear

What about the lady, dressed-in-lace-and-hair-well-kept?

She's all sitting in that table alone and trying to enjoy the dance

"This will be over soon," she said.

But she didn't realize the ball is meant forever.

IMPLICATION:

18 is a number, yet not an uncommon number.

At 18, we get to decide independently. We have reached a LEGAL age.

At 18 is "Hello world!"

At 18 is "Byebye childhood."

At 18, hidden secrets, hidden gestures, hidden "rotten eggs" surface

At 18, people come, people go, bloom to experience

At 18, decide for the future, live the present, learn from the past

At 18, we get to learn who we are, who we might, what may become.

In the story, is a lady knowing loneliness in a world full of people...

To My Inner Child (who made a part of me)

I wish I could save you. I wish I could understand you. Don't hide from me. Don't be afraid. Come back out of that little hiding place of yours. I promise I would try not to harm you again. If I break my promise, don't be sad. I would try to make up with you. I'm sorry for hurting you all these years. I want to take care of you, to love you. The world is not good as it seems, but let's live together through.

Don't say people hate you. People love you from the day they first saw your wee little body. They have dreams of how you're growing up. Dreams of how they are going to nurture you. Yes, the world is not what they seem planned. They may have hurt you, blamed you, and stopped you from crying and sharing your thoughts. Stand up, don't hide in that corner. I can still see you. Let me know your feelings. Let me know when you're hurting. Let us both carry you through.

I know people can be so mean. You even learn to defend yourself. That doesn't mean you're unlovable. There are still so many people who love you. I love you. Don't be scared. Don't run away from me. I need you. I can't be whole without you. I know that hurt can be your comfort, but I wish someday you find the most beautiful thing there is that can separate you from love and hate. Hate is not true. Love is.

My preciouse little one, hang on to people who love you. Hang on to their words of wisdom. They may not know you fully but they love you. And I also wish that someday you would be able to learn how to play and have fun once more.

Love

Yourself

Scared. Scarred. Scarce.

Three words. One source. SCAR. A scar is formed when a skin is bruised. When we we're kids, we get SCARED. A wounded heart gets SCARRED when our sorrows overwhelm us. We fear of no one to turn to, no bandage for cover, no place to hide, in turn, SCARCITY of the soul threatens us and SCARCITY reveals our limits.

I am scared of who I am. I'm scared, most times, to be true or honest. I hide, even to the depths where no one knows I exist. I wear the mask of obscurity, of dishonesty. Who am I lying but myself.

When all things have turned into baggages, I search and find ways/times that I could express and be real with myself and with the world. I find the internet. I keep a blog where I can fully express myself, good or bad times. I keep another vlog (youtube) which I can use when I view videos that relate well with me and comment those videos without restrictions. I am free...but only for a time and always not enough.

I am scared to be true no matter how much I want to be. I am scared because I fear nobody likes the real me. I am lost and still seeking a time that I can real. I have thought of going to places where people living there do not know me. Finding a place where I can start over because I find this place corrupt already and I have bad memories of it.

I live in my fantasy, in my own world. Most times, I want to learn new things out on the open, the real world. But I always stumble to the wrong side of the world, I would then end up in my own imagined reality.

Where am I? What am I doing here? Am I just imagined or another reality gone lost?

This scar of confusion has lost me. Yet I still want to be real but I'm scared because I am confused of what is real.

I am 21 but not. My brother is more mature, emotionally, than I am. Decision making, it overwhelms me. Responsibilities, it pressures me. Relatedness, in relation to people, it bothers me.

Let me just say, "It is the world that is always turning around and not me." (I know you'd disagree but let it be.)

I Want To Be True

I want to be true to myself. I don't want to lie my self anymore. If I smile, even in feelings of sadness, I hate myself because the outer shell is not me. I hate myself that I can't express my feelings truthfully. But should I even just banish or invalidate the negative emotions? That's hell. I just want to be true. If only I could openly express myself. I don't want to lie.

Right now, I am feeling erratic (well, I am always erratic), dysphoric specifically. I want to air out my thoughts (destructive or not) to my Facebook/Multiply/IM accounts, letting my friends know what and how much I am feeling right now. But then, I'm not allowed to do it. How come others are and I don't? Nobody's stopping them and yet, people are more concerned about them.

I have few friends and no one even seems to care. Of course, because nobody understands me. What if I start opening up every thought I have, would they start to know me? Would they even care? Many want to add me to their accounts, but I don't know them. I only know them by name but not really them. If I have accepted their invites, then I could have over 200 contacts right now, but I don't know them. They are just acquaintances and not really friends. What is it with me that I choose friends? All because I am careful with who my friends are and just friends whom I really call friends.

Another thing, should I banish my true self, the real person, for the fake one? The fake person is the acting-out person I have been for so long, before depression has kicked me in. Until I found my real person who is desperately trying to take the place of the fake. The fake person is me acting-out like an adult, a responsible, normal-like adult. Oh, such a person is living a lonely imaginable life. I don't want that person anymore. I hate her. To me being an adult is like my fake person. I don't want to grow up just like her.

I know that is not true about living a lonely life according to the life of the real adults I have seen. But it's true to me, for that is the life I once have lived.

My real person is the inner child who desperately wants to take over. Wants to be heard. Wants to be listened and nurtured until she becomes completely adult, and a real one for sure. But seems again, she's rejected. And now, she's hiding from the pain and would rather let the fake person, who's more mature, take over.

I hate that. I just want to be accepted no matter how old I am and how old I'm truly acting because that is the true me.

My feelings are real but why is it that they are rejected and unacceptable? Seems I myself am unacceptable. What words could describe a person like me but a BPD.

Crap! I hate it when I am ineligible to be just me. All because I am not welcome into this world. This world full of stupid normal people who don't seem to care people like me. So what if I am a special child? There's no word for special adult, because no matter how old they are, they are still called special children. And I am still a child. So what? I'm a child disinherited from the face of this world AGAIN, invalidated, wrecked, shattered, removed, abandoned. Would you allow a child to walk the cold streets at night and beg for some needs? Yes, you have, and don't disagree for I am that child. We are children sheltered from orphanage to orphanage until people are exhausted about us.

Who are we that we call ourselves children though not? We are underdeveloped emotionally and psychologically. Diane Roberts Stoler, Ed.D. says the symptoms for BPD are similarly related to infancy. “Clingy behavior, problems with setting limits and boundaries, acting out, feelings of loathing and emptiness, developmentally arrested at age 2; therefore, behavior is similar to that of a 2-year-old with temper tantrums and seeing the world as black and white,” she says.

Better for the real 2-year-olds than a 21-year-old. People love babies, but adults who act like babies, they discriminate. We are fixated 2-year-olds and PLEASE have great patience on us. Allow us to grow up. Help us. Don't banish us from this universe. We just want some love. We will, in turn, grow up if you just allow us. Don't force us; that's not helpful. You're just destroying us even more.

But right now, it seems I have to force myself to live that fake person to ACT ADULT to please my carer. IT'S SICKENING. I feel rejected and removed. I never wanted that fake person. I never again want to live that life. But...they don't understand. HATE IT. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE IT!!!

But I want to be who I truly am. How can I learn the things a real child has while growing up when I am forced to become an adult immediately? I want to learn new things while in my real person for this way, it's simpler than being the fake person. But it seems I am not allowed to learn these things for I am not allowed to be the real me. :(

I Know But I Don't

I know. I just don't want to listen from you anymore.

I know I may be impractical. By knowledge, I know. By understanding, I don't.

I know I should grow up because I am 21. I know I should act mature. I know I should learn to live independently. I know I should learn to take and accept responsibilities. I know I should be rational, practical, and radical. I know I am alive. I know I am human.

But what do I understand? I can't be 21. It's hard to act my age. I am still learning and I need someone to help me even when I learn it wrongly. I still need someone to wake me up from my delusions. It's hard to be rational when I am emotional. It's hard to think objectively when I am still learning to accept and express my emotions. It's hard to go full speed like a snap to be mature when I am still learning new things. It's hard to be 21 when I am still emotionally unstable, emotionally dependent, and emotionally younger than 21. It's hard to take responsibilities because I fear of falling down and no one to pick me up on the way. I am losing my self when I am unsure, overwhelmed, or confused of the things or happenings around me. (Allow me to grow up even if it may take a very very long while. Be patient with me. You are but seems you don't.)

I know I should but I understand I am. I know I should but I don't understand why should I. I don't understand the knowlegde I have gotten.

However, whatever I gain knowledge from you, I still don't understand and I no longer wish to listen from you anymore because you have not made me understand. You just throw words at me to force me to understand. You have known me but you have not really understood me. Then, we're even.

I am letting you go free, even if it hurts me. Besides, you also do have a life and I'm letting you have it your way. And I'll go the other way then. I'll be alone once again. Who cares? You have your own life, I have mine. It is just you have a good life and I don't. I have a life that is unknown.

(Have you really accepted me of who I am? Or just trying to accept that you're trapped with me?)

Sorry to be thinking this way but the thoughts have comforted me in some way. Letting you go is like escaping from the pain. Heard about, "I Hate You Don't Leave Me"? Hah! I'm not going to do that again. I'd just let you go because I don't want to feel the pain. Just go. Don't come back. I don't need you anymore, though I still feel I need you but feelings can be a lie, right, like you said? I don't need you. Leave me be. You have detached from me first, just as you said yesterday. Though being the second to detach as well, I'd remove you out of the picture for good.

And thank you for the year you have nurtured and taught me. Think you taught me well? Some things, yes. But this? I don't know. I'm not sure. Why don't you rate?

(We have not talked about broken relationships because you seem not interested - for she was your friend and I was talking about her - so I never opened up about it again.)

Out of Touch

Feeling out of touch? Out of senses? Or just plain delusional?

When I am trying to learn to be a human is also when I am being abandoned or feeling like I am UNWELCOME to even try to learn to be a human.

I am feeling deep inside that I want to hate her, discredit her. I don't know how else to react when a promise is broken.

She promised we would have our counselling sessions once a month until September. I was already preparing myself for that last session. However, the promise was broken. It's like our sessions had stopped earlier than promised. I was not ready for that. Even though there were times I wanted no more of our sessions but I just hanged on until the end. Those times were when I was feeling down and lost that I didn't want to talk about; however, I should learn to talk about my worries, needs, and concerns. But right now, I felt like I didn't wish to even bother talking to her anymore, though she still said she's still here to listen.

I am feeling out of touch. Sometimes, I would feel like just accept the truth that our sessions are gone already. But hey, I don't know. I still feel like I want those last two sessions. She says we talk from time to time, even checking up on me like yesterday, but that's informal. I mean I don't know. There are really a lot of things bothering me. I have talked to God about it. But now, I am confused of "COME TO ME ALL THOSE WHO ARE WEARY" and "BEAR EACH OTHER'S BURDENS".

Years before, after my first counsellor left me, I had relied on God alone and no one else. When my present counsellor came, I thought that "bearing each other's burden" should also take part with relying on God.

I'm confused. Or is it really easy to just accept what's happening and do nothing? Could somebody just trace me back to what's real or what I am supposed to do?

I know I fear reality but sometimes my body wants to feel alive. I want to feel alive.

I am just recently learning physical touch and being close with people. And I am learning it with my counsellor. But when I think our sessions are over, seems like I no longer have the opportunity to further my learning again. Almost similar with my first counsellor when I wished to learn friendships with her but was shortened because she just disappeared from her commitment.

I fear broken and faded relationships. Though Achi have not really abandoned me, but I feel still removed.

I am only using this blog to express myself because I can't express honestly anymore with Achi.

A borderline or not. 21 or not. Alive or not. I'm still lost...like a lamb removed from my carer's presence.

And what should I be doing in God's presence according to this messy picture?

Could someone help me out?

THOUGHTS PONDERED - July409

Preview: This day, I was troubled whether I should join church the next day or not because I was afraid I might cry for the fact that I was left behind from our Thailand Mission Trip last June21-29. And the topic for that Sunday was debriefing of the trip. Letting the congregation know what happened in Thailand.

---------------------------

I don't understand my self. I'm confused. I never wish to join church because I don't want to feel "ouch" and what people may think of me, asking questions. Somehow these thoughts are like the attention is on me. I may have hoped for people's attention but I don't like it. Want but not want.

If I go, I shouldn't be thinking of me me me. Should be them them them. Shouldn't be thinking what people think and "people come to me, I need comfort." If ever I get the latter, I shouldn't be thinking "Wow! They care. Go! I want more." I should rather be thinking, "Thank you, dear God, for their love. Thank you for giving me friends and making me part of the family."

Satan may become happy if I don't go there. He'll be happy because I am INTO me me me, I I I. He was happy I wasn't in Thailand. Should I make him happy if I wouldn't be in church? All because I don't feel like it?

Okay. Fine. Go to church.

Why? Get the attention of people?

No. Support the team as I am part of the team. I prayed for them and stood strong for them. I updated myself about the weather in Thailand so I could know how they were. Kept on reading the schedule to know what they were up to.

I should be there with them, know the fruits of my prayers, how they had been, how did God work with them, how God stood beside them and kept them safe. I isolated myself so I could still feel like I was with them, though not physically but "in spirit".

I will be there for them. Would be so selfish of me if I don't just because I don't feel liking it. So selfish that I prayed for them the whole week and every time I remember them even if it hurt me. Selfish that I wouldn't know the result of what I had so prayed for.

[Remember the battle you faced that week. Remember like you remembered the battle you had with God the past year against depression. You reviewed the past victory to win over that recent misery you faced, the misery of being left behind. Now, remember that battle.]

Next question is: 8AM or 10AM service?

I chose 10AM service so maybe I wouldn't cry. It's dragging because of the translations, and many people. Which, I might be able to control myself more from crying. [Listen to yourself. I, me, my.]

Now, I think of going to both services. The fact that the team may be giving different testimonies on both services. Even if not, it's still the team giving the testimonies. I will join both to be there for them. To support them with my presence.

[Also remember tomorrow is First Sunday. Communion. Fellowshipping with Christ and His Body. You are not only part of the team, but also the Body. You are part of God's Family.]

......Pride is still kicking in. If I am asked why I am joining and why both services, I feel shy to answer them for they may think I am being vain already or maybe foolish. [I I I. Hello, vain? Shy? Foolish? Maybe? Thinking such thing is already vain enough and foolish. Besides, it's MAYBE. What if this thought is not true? Where will you side? Think it's true or think it's NOT true? Letting pride win? Letting the "I" win? Or letting Satan win because you're being too selfish, self-centered, conceited, and prideful?]

[Remember from which you came from before God brought you to this time now after you had depression. You were full of yourself, and God was & IS teaching you to be humble. Think of what God wants you to be. Think according to what God may be thinking for you. Remember, He wants you to be humble and loving others, the reason why He is teaching you and has shown His Love real to you. Remember what God has done to you. Remember who you were and who you have become.]

Could an Old Desire Still has Significance...?

The title actually is, "Could a desire of a 4yo has significance if the 4yo becomes a 20yo and still has that same desire? Or is there still "something" about that desire?"

Okay. That's me. I really couldn't remember when I had that desire except I knew I was preschool. A desire or a wish or hopes.

Still is so clear in my memories, the first time I made that wish. I wished to be able to do something for the people from the streets and elderly people. Even wished to be super rich to help them (thinking of a four-year-old). However, at this time, I'm scared to even help an old lady with her grocery cart. (Shy)

I have been recently thinking (again), yet imagining, of an orphanage, a home-for-the-aged, or a shelter-for-the-homeless. Starting any of these and bring the needy to a place they can call home. Give them food, clothes, and may even a bed for the night for the homeless. And during their stay, talk with them, listen to them, share the gospel to them, and importantly, share God's love to them. Share testimonies, preach the Word, lead bible studies, etc.

The irony? No money. Don't like kids. Before, I never liked teaching. Never thought of myself as a teacher. Never done anything about these people other than joining those outreaches. Such a BIG responsibility for a wee like I.

However, God can provide the needs. I, somehow, is being led to kids and teaching. I find, recently, that I can be an advocate, a listener, a whatever that I never think I could be doing or could become. A teacher? A counselor? An evangelist? A...what? I know these NEW traits/abilities do not come from anyone or anything or from me; all these come from God and Him alone. Seems like God's spiritual gifts. What about piano, techie mind, Math/Chemistry, all things I certainly know I know? Abilities I have earned from years of learning? But I now do learn to appreciate more the abilities I never earned from anything.

Think there's something about this "desires/wishes/hopes/unexpected abilities"? Does seem to connect.

[This is the second time I write a journal with a similar question: Could this be my direction? Is this what God wants for me? Still waiting... If this is it? Then I'll still be waiting... No need to rush. Just wait for God's GO signal. (He's still teaching me.)]

Journal for June 29 (Sixteenth Day Away From Mankind)

A brief background of the title. For 16 days (and counting), I haven't seen my friends or been in church. Last week, I was supposed to be having a mission trip to Thailand but I was forced not to join the trip anymore because I had Rubella that I might infect others. Therefore, my 18th day from the first appearance of my rashes. 12th day my rashes disappeared. But 16 days without seeing people other than my housemates, this was too much already.

(Posted on June 30 - Journal for June 29 - Sixteenth Day Away From Mankind)

They're back from Thailand and I was not able to meet them at the airport. But that's not what I was writing about.

More than 2 weeks I had not met my friends. My friends in church were the only friends I had and I felt like "shut out" from mankind already. I lost everything when I was rejected (this was the first time I said the word since I got left behind from the trip) to join for Thailand. I lost my confidence, dignity, and esteem - ashamed to even go back to church or even make appearance to my friends.

I had resolved from my attach-detach habit (when I felt I was starting to get attached with people, I pull out myself until I felt very lonely again, I spent time with people again, and so on...) I was then able to form relationships deeper than I had before. However, now that I lost everything, I had to think that I needed to build those relationships lost again and it was always so hard for me. I got detached again, not by choice but by being "shut out".

Before, I had few or no confidence and esteem. I was always scared to be with people. I was not a people-person. Scared to even make attachments because I had a history and I was hurt, felt rejected. Took me months (...again, months or even a year) to be able to recently build self-confidence and self-esteem, and finally, attachments.

Now, if I get rejected one more time, even for whatever event from church; then what reason do I have to live outside?

These two weeks, all I had was the cyberworld and few moments with family (well, at least). I had contact with friends, but it was not the same as physical or real contact. If I fail or don't get invited (or might as well be invited out) for communication/encounter/real contact or to even spend time with my friends, then could it be better for me to be just a cyberperson, who no longer exists but still wishes to help people, available only in cyberspace?

Right now, I am feeling like I don't exist. I want to go out but I don't feel like it. Feeling again to be nonexistent, just a mere breeze that passes by. GOOD AS DEAD...... I think I know why - because I have no physical contact for so long already. No touch.

These days, I had been imagining like when I met the trippers at the airport, I would want to hug all of them because I missed them so much. That was what I wanted to do - if I met them.

The first time I felt alive was because of touch. I was so down and quiet, but the touch from my faithful counselor-mentor. Even though it was a little gesture, it was already SO BIG I felt alive. When God touched my heart, I felt important and loved.

God designed us to be together (TO-GET-HER = grab someone) so God can show His love to us through others. God made His love real to me. Though it was sweet, and would stop me from my tracks, to hear the words, "GOD LOVES YOU," from another person, it was hard to comprehend what it meant other than God sent His Son to die for me, to save me, to give me eternal life. God made His love real through the people He sends.

I asked for a help for so long until God answered it with a BONUS. He showed His love to me. Now, I ask help on what to do that I lost a lot. I never want to lose my friends, not even those who meant a lot to me...they all mean a lot to me.

God help me.

Sleeping In Sadness

Oh, look it's 3 in the morning.

There are nights that are not always meant for sleeping. Night shifts, 24/7 convenience stores, working overtimes, etc. There are also nights which I call, sadness or misery.

I would rather not sleep in such a state. It's crooked, downgrading rest. Nights are mostly meant for rest, but sleeping in sadness is like sleeping on nails with a big boulder above your head.

Cheer up! are two words to uplift a sad person. But how can sleeping in solitude and sadness cheer one up? Waking up long at night can be tiring but would it be worth enough to find ways to cheer oneself up?

If there's the internet, surfing it can be fun but most times boring especially when the internet has become part of your world. Reading books can divert imagery but books only that don't require too much thinking. Sing or listen to a song would be something but at that emotional state, one might rather listen to slow tempo or a ballad or even be tempted to listen to the most depressing songs than rock-and-roll. Movies can be good "downer's drainer". Find good movies like maybe comedy, drama, kiddie, etc, better not some chaotic movie.

Escaping sadness is impossible but can be a habit. A person who hates ignorance (like me) is very much ignorant about these things. Don't know if trying to drain those sorrows by escaping or running away from it is even permissible. It can be beneficial for a time but it always is going to catch back at you.

Don't take my word. I'm only writing here.

Re: What Do I Want?

IDK, a chat code for "I don't know." I, honestly, don't know what I want.

When I want something, then I don't want it anymore when the opportunity is near for me to have that want. I have a lot of wants but I'm not sure if I really want it. So, I don't know.

DOCTOR: When I was growing up, I "wanted to be a doctor." I don't want that anymore nor do I even want to work in the hospital. Just don't let me be there.

MISSIONARY: Then came one day that I rushed to my parents room and declared, "I think I want to be a missionary." Hmm. I still like the idea, but is it really for me? I enjoy outreaches, traveling to new places uncommon to many, seeing people in need of God's Love. But I have a hard time interacting with people.

MUSICIAN: I wanted to be part of an orchestra or a symphony. If not, work with the known artists. Maybe Stephen Curtis Chapman, Paul Baloche. Study in Julliard!! (Oh wow!!) But I was utterly convinced of becoming a professional musician-composer that I wanted to share the whole world about the songs (all about God) I wrote. But "wanting to be famous around the world?" Sounds not godly. So, I am just laying low these talents that I have because "music is my life". That..I "broke the nail", just "God is my life." Because I am a frustrated musician & playing music makes me look deep to myself mostly and thinking how much I loved music, that I am cutting it off from me. I still don't know much how to use these talents without compromising. Better to just sing for God. It's easier because it's not me who's making me sing, God's making me sing.

RICH: Ha! Many want that. To be rich. But know why I wanted to be rich? When I was wee-younger, very little, everytime I see a child-beggar, handicapped, and an old lady w/ osteoporosis, w/ cane, having difficulty pulling the grocery cart (I just saw one today and remembered how I wanted to be rich (Also why I wrote this.). I couldn't stand seeing her struggle but I also could not stand myself because I don't know what to do or how to help w/o the feeling of a fool not knowing how to deal such matter.). As young as 3 or 4yo, everytime I saw those people, I would say to myself, "Old lady or child, when I grow up, I want to be rich, very rich that I can help you." Even as a teenager, I have imaginations of owning a large lot and house which I could use it as a place for the children or the aged who have been abandoned. But trouble is, not that I'm not rich (of course, I'm not), I don't know how to deal with them because I can't interact well with them.

COMPUTER WHIZ/MATH WHIZ: I love computers/gadgets. I love math. I'm a nerd & a geek. That's all. I want to know more about computers & how I could make videos/pictures/audio better editing. I want to reach the very top level of math. How I envied Kumon. If only...(lots to say..)

SCHOLAR: Not scholar in school, I meant, a genius (such dream..but I want to learn..say a learner). I always wanted to learn about astronomy, archaeology, history..theology..how all these support the Bible..study the Bible..I want to learn..join in the scholars. (I still do want to study the Bible though (in-depth).)

PSYCHOLOGY: Hmm. Never thought of myself as a counselor. But this I recently found this year that I can talk to people who were reserved and was able to build trust from them and, finally, allowed them to pour out their baggage. It's interacting people, I know. But how did I ever do that? Nothing else but God did. How can I interact people? God will. Still have that fear. God doesn't.

TEACHER: Now this I couldn't imagine myself. In highschool, I never wanted to be a teacher as much as I never wanted to be a nurse. However, I find teaching fulfilling. Though it's interacting again. I still don't know how I do it but I know God's doing it. Even the first time I held that practicing teaching w/ Ma'am Dean. She was ecstatic about my teaching. She liked it. Then came the title, "Ma'am Dean's look-alike," also because of my hair and glasses and walk? What are they talking about? (I meant those who kept on calling me Ma'am Dean.)

ACCOUNTANCY: "Pass or fail, I will take accountancy." Such strong-willed plan. But what happened? "Uhm..Accountancy?? Uhm..I don't know if I'm for it..." I want then I don't. Still is me.

FILM INDUSTRY/DIRECTOR/ACTOR: Haha!! Ya. I once thought of wanting to be an actress or even a dancer. I also wanted to direct a film. Work with the big industries abroad. Work with well-known actors. Jackie Chan. Nicole Kidman. Julie Andrews. Hehe..

But what do I want? Many dreams and wishes. Many choices. Lots of potentials, skills, capabilities. Lots and lots of choices. And I don't know which do I really want. What do I want to become? What's for me? Hmm??

Taking away the dreamy wants. These are left. Mission/pastor/shepherding (the latter is scary but really synonymous from the others)? Psychology/counselor(?)? Teacher(another (?))? Home for the aged (What am I going to do there?)? Orphanage (I don't like kids, but wha?)? (All interacting?)

But actually..These are the special gifts God has given me apart from all the unique gifts he has made me. Special because I don't know where they come from if God's not real. Special because I never thought myself to be. Special because it focuses not on my capabilities but on my availability which reminds me that there is nothing I can do apart from God. Special because it has become a character.

Still poses as a big question mark (?) WHAT DO I WANT? But I don't think I may want what I want. What does God wants? What should I be? (No, no, nurse!!!!!! NEVER!!! Please not a nurse!!!!!!)

A Light In Every Tunnel (A Testimony)

(Life has its own tunnels. Tunnels are dark. However, tunnels also have its entrances and exits. When you enter one, how sure can you get out? I, for one, entered a tunnel. I almost gave up walking and finding my way out from that long treacherous tunnel. With grace, I was able to find my out because I found the Light. Now, whenever I enter another tunnel, I make sure to find the LIGHT.)

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I thank God for the blessings he has given me. For the Love he has shown me. For the glory he has me possessed. For the treasure he has shared.

Before, I was a lost lamb. So lost I didn’t know what love was, what friends meant. What it meant to live together with people. I had nowhere to turn to. I knew there was God, but knowing and believing in Him worth everything? I tried everything to be near to God. I called for Him. I begged. I cried. I served. No matter how long I prayed or how long I stayed in the presence of God, there would always be times I felt I was alone. I knew God was everywhere. I knew he could hear my every word spoken by my mouth. There were most times I felt safe with Him. Times I enjoyed and thanked Him for. I thanked God that I was part of His kingdom, that He revealed to me His promise, that He accepted me as His child. I did all I could think of for God: I offered my talents to Him, my life, my future. Yet where did my future lead me to? To a major I never liked. To a life I never wished to have. To where my potential had not reached its peak.

I rebelled against God. I took the things I gave up for Him. I held on to my future, my life, and my potentials. I did all in my own effort. I regretted I took that major. I regretted I lay behind my skills. I neglected my capabilities. I was frustrated that I didn’t become who I wanted to be, unable to make a name for myself, unable to make the most use of my skills and yet had it become as just a hobby.

I tried to journey back. Back to the passionate one. One who had her passions, dreams, and life on music, on computers, on Math, on making a name, being acknowledged. I was desperate to fulfil my dreams, my wishes, my wants. I didn’t want my shattered dreams to be fully shattered by my present state in college. I tried to gain my all by trying to live this past to the future, by being impatient of wanting to end this nightmare soon.

Yet, I became weary and tired. All those nights working my countless assignments and duty the next day, cramming to catch up my studies for the exams, plus the anxiety these brought me and the regret I took such course. Spiritually, I became bare. The fire stopped burning. Emotionally, I was shattered. I was lonely. I felt miserable. I wanted to die. What life can this bring me when my life had already died away when I entered this stage of life?

I cried God for help. Almost every night, I begged for Him to help me, send someone, anyone to help me. I cried to God, “Enough! It’s too much. I’ve had it.” I was so lonely. I wished to embrace God just to keep away the pain. I called for His company, for His presence. When finally I could no longer take the insult, the pain, the suffering, I yelled at God. I blamed Him for leading me to this life. I made a fist at Him.

After that night, I regretted what I did, but my pride crept in on me. I still hated my life. Every night, I looked up at the sky: no stars but one big full moon staring blankly at me, “God, I yelled at you. I’m sorry, but I’m still turning my back on you. You, the Truth, are hard to turn away to the Lie, but I still hurt. I’m sorry.”

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That’s not the end yet.

God was just beginning His work in me and I hadn’t noticed that because I was so full of my self. When I had let go of Him, I didn’t know I also let go of my self. Being all fed up with life, I let go. Come what may. Yet, I was still desperate. I wanted God back but I was afraid.

One day, God allowed me to think deeply about Him and me until I got tired from too much thinking. I was working on something and still, I was able to think. I wanted to share something to someone before I make that one decision which I tried to escape: learning about God and His open arms.

God was trying to make me the person He wanted me to become, but He could not do that when I was so inflated about me. God knew when was the best time He could teach me. He knew all along what He wanted from me. He wanted me to let go and to mind Him and not me. God answered my prayer for help when I wasn’t expecting it anymore. He brought His peace. He showed His love. He tried to teach me that He is God and Master of my life. He taught me it was not just me in this world, that there were other people as well. He showed me His family, His flock, His kingdom. He brought me His family telling me that I belonged to them just as I belonged to God. He made His family so I could no longer be lonely and that I had Him and His family to turn to. God made me flesh so I could be with flesh. He made me part of His family so I could be His family. God taught me love. He conveyed His love to others to love me. God never gave up His family and He never gives up on me.

I may still dislike my course, but I try, with God’s Love, to take the course again and pass it even when I still hurt a lot because of the struggles it brings.

P.S. I had given up my music which was my dream, my passion, my life because it was taking the place which was supposed to be for God. God is my Dream, my Passion, and my Life.

May this testimony and promise be forever be printed in me, also to anyone, and not replaced.

Self Injury - Freedom

#1: I don't cut but I punch walls, hit myself on walls so hard I don't care if it hurts because it doesn't. It's a comfort to me but people don't get it.. I feel alive when I do & I do it when I get so angry, it's a way to express myself.. I don't know how to express in words or even talking to people..

#2: So do I, I don't cut but I literally beat myself up just to feel something. But I am slowly getting away from that. If you ever wanna talk just let me know.  

#1: (a reply 3 months later) I think these happens because we yearn for touch. I long for a warm loving touch but I tend to repel from touch, even from friends, because I relate it to pain even though I know they're intentions were to show they care. But I do want to be touched, even a hug but I can't or don't know how to hug. Whenever I see my friends hugging each other, I look away because I feel deprived of that act of love and feeling hurt deep inside.

Now, whenever I feel angry and the tension is building up I learn to back away and find my inner self and connect my self to God. Still is hard at times but it's a learning. Yet, longing to be with friends, to be touched, have quality time, be given with countless encouraging words, is a struggle.

However, I may be deprived of love but no other love is greater than the Love of God.

Life Isn't Complete w/o the People that Came To Our Lives

If there were no parents, how did we enter this world?

If there were no caregivers, who took care of us when no one else did?

If there were no teachers, how did we learn our manners, values, lessons?

If there were no friends, who could have influenced us?

If there were no enemies, how did we learn from each other's mistakes?

Friends may have become enemies. Enemies become friends. They still were part of becoming us. Because every people that came to our lives, we learned from them. They became our training ground as we walked this path called LIFE.

Every maze, every adventure, every road, every path is not easy and straight. There would always be stops, turns, twists, rocks, and other else that came our way: fights, arguments, misunderstandings, accidents, etc. Still we took the path for it's the only road to life.

There's no turning back. The clock turns clockwise and not counter clockwise. The clock ticks continuously and never stops. The years don't subtract; it always adds. Our years of age as well.

2008 just faded and so were the years behind. All that were left were memories. Memories of joys and sadness, of anger and reconciliation. People = memories. Without people, there's no memory to keep. Without memory, there's emptiness in us. Emptiness comes from loneliness. And loneliness strays away people.

What is life if we're alone in this world? What is life if we dislike the people in our lives? What worth is living if we cut off our memories, escape from the people we've known? What is life if I disown my past?

This I have to learn: Cherish each moment, each day spent with the people in our lives. Keep every treasure, tangible or intangible, that was given to us by these people. And always say a prayer of thanks to the One who gave us our family and friends, God. God who brought all that we saw around us ALIVE.

Seasonal Misery?

Just because it's Christmas or the New Year doesn't mean I am miserable. It only has become a bad timing that I'm facing or thinking things that I feel sorry for myself.

Christmas isn't merry for me at all. I don't wish for any presents underneath the Christmas tree. I don't wish to receive any at all. New Year makes me miss those old times, old friends and I can never be able to bring them back anymore.

Everywhere I go, social life is always involved. I see people having good times with their relationships (friends, family). I yearn for that..always, but I always feel out-of-place in the presence of friends. I go to the mall, restaurants, all social places by myself. I wish to be invited out but never been. I wish to join or include myself in the group but, never mind, I don't feel invited; I'd rather go my way opposite theirs.

I find no one to share. There's Achi Caroline but I still think I'm not sharing at all. Sharing is like being able to be me, but sharing about me can be uninteresting, so why bother to find someone to share with? Because I feel lonely, like I have the load of the whole world. God's there. Is it even enough talking to an invisible God? I hesitate myself from sharing because I'm uninteresting, self-centered, and afraid they may not be listening at all. They hear but do they listen? There's others but it's like they've had it with me. They're not responding. Could they hear me? I always feel invisible or dead.

It's hard to trust these days.

Trust doesn't always mean that secrets be kept and someone listening, but also someone who would not reject, give up, taking for granted, not making me to be just a routine.

My standards are high? I am afraid to be left behind, be hurt again.

Everytime I think of myself, I think of someone who's rather not live. What beauty would such a person like I who's afraid to even face reality, who can't find a lasting functional relationship with people, who wish to find another home, who cannot stand to live one more day in the house she's living, who go to church, a place that she thinks she can be herself, but really can't, who's always reserved, waiting for something significant?

Why can't I be me whom no one would judge, no one to say I should be this or that? Why can't they just accept me as me? It's like every part of me is always a flaw. Everywhere I am, people would judge me. Do I judge them?

If only it happened that I was able to leave everything behind from everything and everyone I know. Could I be facing these things like now if that happened?

12.31.08

Making Changes Heal

Changing the past only happens when changing it in the present, so the future will also be changed. Taking chances. Learn from weaknesses and face them, not escaping from them. Face your fears so to fear no more. Takes time but it's worth it. Same as growing, it takes time to grow good fruit in us, to make changes for the better.

God brought me to it; God will bring me through it.

I am run by emotions but my emotions should not reflect how I relate to God.

Emotions are deceiving and may destroy a person and the people around him.

There are times we're happy. We want to spend time with people. Go out. Have fun. Enjoy life. There are also times we're gloomy. We avoid meeting people. Going out with them. Enjoy the world around us. And we fail to see the beauty of God's creation.

In a Christian concert, all of us are in high hopes after attending the concert. The concert is uplifting and encouraging. We feel in light with God and wish to spend more time with God. But as the days go by, we get miserable. The world around us is turning upside down and we no longer wish to attend church, read the Bible, pray to God, and might even feel guilty. Why does this happen? Why that at first we were joyous and in fiery for God and all of a sudden, God became so far away and we end up in the "blue moon"?

This is caused by our own emotions. When we're happy, we rejoice God, but when we're blue, we deject God. Every Christian is still human, and humans are vulnerable to high and low feelings, but the joy a Christian has with God isn't based from his happiness.

Joy is not equal to happiness. Joy is a hope waiting to be grasp by every Christian. Hope in God, faith in God, trust in God whether being lively and merry or sad and gloomy is the joy of having a genuine relationship with God.

God isn't just a Superior Being ruling over all, but a Loving Being who wants all His children to obey and have joy in Him.

As for me, I am writing this as I am in a pit. I am not in a valley or up on the mountain, but under the deepest pit. I write this to express and to remind myself that God brought me into this misery so He can use me and that His awesome Power may be displayed in me bringing me out of it as a child still learning to walk, as a cracked pot waiting to be fixed, as a blind wishing to see, a deaf hoping to hear, a lame wanting to walk.

God brought me to it, he'll bring me through it.

Some Things I Could Say About The 23rd Foundation Day in OCGS

Am not really sure what to write or why I have to write this, but here it goes.

First of all, the Foundation Days were on September 24-26, 2008. I didn't know what happened on the 24 & 25th, but all I knew that the variety show was at the 26th at 7PM. I heard they had a dance competition that morning; I thought, "Woah! That's new." Watching the champion & the 1st runner up dancing in that show, I really could say, "Oh, we're old." There were new things happened in the school after we graduated, but this year, the sports were being promoted, music was also promoted for I thought that they had lessons with whatever instruments the students wished to play, but I was not sure. However, there was one solo performance by a student; he played Canon in D on the guitar. After that, I didn't expect that the English part of the variety show was short; being featured were only the Glee Club (they improved really, and some students played the instruments), the champion & 1st runner up of the dance competition, and that solo performance. Those were all. Though the Chinese part was fun, the variety show, which usually happen in 2 hrs, only took an hour. Not only that, I noticed the Foundation Days were shortened from 5 days to 3 days. Before it was 3 days, then to 5 days, but this year, 3 days. Also, I noticed that the sound system was reduced. The speakers on the sides were not used. Because of that, the audio of the show wasn't that good, esp. when the Glee Club, the solo guitar performance, and one song number performed, they could not be heard clearly.

A lot of things did change after we graduated. The student population got smaller. The usual two-section levels, turned to be just one-section in other levels like the 4th yr. Also, in the gym where the variety show was held, the audiences were also reduced unlike before, the gym was always packed. I really didn't know what actually happened that these things had to occur. Students also changed. There are more hard-headed, spoiled bratty kids, feeling mature, night outs, going out during lunch time, less students staying in the campus after 5PM (accdg. to my brother). Things did change. However, I did find few students who grew up spiritually (well, that's good). I just hoped that the school would go back the usual that it was running okay. Though, it's okay now, but not as okay as before. The teachers working also were good now (that's another good thing); I heard the teaching was good or maybe even better.

Except, my brother moved to another school, and it's really bad because I worried the math, english, and science he was being taught now. (After the variety show, we decided to have a joyride, taking advantage because our parents weren't home for the night; we stopped by the new bridge and watched the sights and enjoying the cool breeze. Unexpectedly, we started talking about our school. How the school and we were then and now.) The curricula of his school "weren't that good," he said. I saw his math book once and, "Oh! This had been taught in my elementary years." My brother's in 2nd yr HS (tsk tsk tsk). The English teacher, he said, didn't even speak good English, even their principal; he would always criticize the way they spoke because he knew how better the lessons of our old school, OCGS, was. I really regretted his Math in that school. Though my brother changed for the good, he said he's more humbled now than he was in OCGS; not only that, he said, "those who moved out and transferred to another school far from OCGS were humbled." My brother was boastful when he was still there (he said), but now, he did change. He's spirituality did change. However, he's boasting he changed compared to his classmates then in OCGS, that was why he told me they became worse and proud and spoiled. I told my brother that those who moved out from the school did change like us who graduated. It was because, OCGS was so protective of us that we didn't know what the world outside looked like until we changed schools. And he did agree with me. His school had "bozos", rebels, smokers, drinkers, PDAs; everything what the world was, he saw and learned that God's kingdom was better than Satan's kingdom, this world we were living. When we learned what the world looked like and when we had the spiritual background (this we thanked our old school), we knew our capabilities, weaknesses, responsibilities, and hope in Christ; we became more conscious and careful in everything we did for we were bringing the name of Christ Jesus and our old school. We still made mistakes for we were still sinners, but the difference though was our relationship with Christ. We confessed our sins and weaknesses for God would make us strong in weakness.

For whatever our weakness is, we should confess it and let God work in us. Making him the foundation of our life, our future. Remember Paul and his thorn (2 Cor. 12:1-10). Paul's thorn is his weakness. It can never be pulled out. His thorn hurts but his thorn reminds him of his need of God. He offered his life, as well as his thorn to Christ. And now, he's been boasting about the thorn: though his thorn hurts, Christ is helping him live on. That thorn would only be taken away once he now lives with Christ and God the Father in the kingdom of heaven. For without Christ, we are nothing. Just like Paul, we all have our thorns, but we must still move on and allow God to help us relieve from that thorn until He takes it away completely when we meet Him in heaven. As Paul said in 2 Cor. 12:10, "For when I am weak, then I am strong." God is our strength. We "can do all things through Christ who gives us strength." (Phil. 4:13)

Tell Yourself

This was my assignment for my RS55 subject:

My friends call me Sally. I was born on the 29th of February 1988. I am the eldest in the family of 2 children and 5 grandchildren of my grandparents (paternal).

I grew up knowing the Bible stories since I was very young, but I came to know God in high school, and later on near college (or in college), I gave up my life to live for Christ.

I am a person of passion, of dreams, and imaginations. I have a great passion for music as I am a musician and composer. I dream to share my talents and skills to the world. My other abilities are editing videos, which I am engaged in Youtube, videography, photography, and literature, which I never thought myself to be interested in this (I make poems, journals, short stories). I even imagine myself to be in the movie business not only the music business. Sadly, only a very few of my friends know what I am capable of or what I do with my free time, engaging with my passions - making fruits of my produce.

I view life with this simple proverb I have made, "The beauty of life is not the world we see, but the thoughts we think." The challenge I often face is, "Yesterday is a lesson for today, and today is a practice for tomorrow."

After college, I look forward to two things: 1) study in a university of arts and music abroad, if not, 2) I would just have to wait, and study another course, which I still have to find/choose.

To summarize myself, I am just a passionate dreamer who hopes for things to happen, but I often get frustrated for waiting.

The untitled music, hoping to be turned into a song, moves me. (Taken from my Multiply, dated Apr 26, '08, original title: I feel an inspiration..)

I stood facing my keyboard. Paused. I thought of God's love and my love to him. I thought of making a song out of it. I started playing RE-MI-FA# with Bm, RE-MI-FA# with A, RE-MI-FA# with G, then another RE-MI-FA# with D. Then the song flowed through my fingers as I improvised/played with those first notes. Thus the song just came. Unlike before, I usually had words in mind then the melody, but this time was new, melody then song. I recorded the song in the keyboard as I played it again. Then I listened to my work. I started to feel an inspiration like I didn't make the song and wished that could play it. However, the only thing there was, I did play the song, even made it.

The song was not only the work of my fingers, but that an awesome power led me to play the song. I started the lyrics with these words, "Do you love me...." There, but only up to that. The "me" there could be God or us. Problem, now, was the lyrics. I had nothing in mind yet, but only the idea: "Will you love my [God's] creation if you were blind? Sing praises to me if you were mute? Listen to me if you were deaf? Walk with me if you were lame? Do you truly love me? I answered all your prayers because I love you."

Whenever I listen to the melody over and over again, I thank God for always being with me and giving me a gift where I could share with him and tell the world of his love. Also, the more I listen to it, the more I can't wait to make the lyrics and sing and record it and hoping, I could share it with my friends.

[Improvise is like composing, except that you sit down with an instrument and begin playing anything like you have a song in mind, but the song still have not existed.]