My Failings

I still have not let go of a part of her. I have not let go of the person I once have known her. The person who once believed in me. The person who cared for me.

However, I have lost her. Somehow, deep inside, she is now a different person.

Because I cannot be the person who she wishes me to be, she let go. She has given up.
I don't think my jealousy is the main reason for her to let go, other than that she has labeled me to be with homo tendencies.

Yes, that hurts a lot.

She left because she can't understand me and is fed up already. She has lost her patience on me. I could not live up to her standards/conditions because I'm "stubborn", synonymously strong-willed. Her love is conditional, and I have fallen short of her love.

And so I thought that she could help me live up to my full potential because I saw someone whom I thought believed in me. For the first time, I thought that finally, there's someone who believes in me and can see passed through what is visible of me, through a facade.

I am even unable to hug her to say thank you to her because she weird out of me. She can't touch me like I am some leper, banished from all cares and hopes to finding my true identity. The identity of finding and reaching my full potential.

People has said I have great potential or very blessed but they are all just up to their mouths. They are all just mere words to me.

Every time I share my wishes, some are fulfilled yet some, esp those most important ones, has not been fulfilled and like it's just placed in a box thought to be forgotten. But I don't forget. Wishes that I so much wanted is never given to me.

A friend. A best friend. A true friend. Long term relationships never last long with me. Rejection, abandonment, dismissed, given up: these end the relationship.

Improving my skills and abilities. Improving what I know already never heightens for long.

Be taught of the Bible. Told I'm too old to be taught like a child. I know a lot already so I don't to be taught anymore.

If only I could just be my own best friend. If only I can help myself improve without the encouragement, feedback and evaluation of a human being.

Yet I thank God, I don't give up the promise to be taught of the Bible because I know, "a person is never too young or too old to be taught of God's Word."

I am going to carry God's promises. I may have fallen from perfection but I have not fallen from God's unconditional love. May God's love be my eternal strength and comfort, and my motivation to never give up. I still wish to find myself in this unloving and cruel world, and where I do stand out from the rest of these human beings.

I know I am different but I will not let discrimination stop me from being different. I may want to give up most times and stop pretending like I am okay in all these troubles. I will just give up to God. I am not okay but I am okay with God. God does not discriminate me. God does not leave me when he finds fault in me. God does not give me conditions on how to remain in his love. All he does is love me without question, without discrimination, without doubt.

Feelings of Hurt & Loss

These are two of the things that I am trying to avoid, but I have to take courage and face.
The feelings of the emotions, of hurt and of loss.

Just like I feel hurt when I see people hugging one another because I can't hug or can't have the hug. Every time I see them enjoying each other's relationships, I have that same feeling of hurt and of loss because I can never forever be able to have that kind of relationship (mentoring, teacher-student, true friendship relationships). I have experienced these good things before, but it hasn't stayed for long, and that is all the memory I can treasure. When I think the feelings of hurt and loss are going away, it is when the good things are slowly fading away.

If only I can just avoid this reality. If only I can escape from the unpleasant things. I have to take courage and face. Whether I avoid or face, it still is going to be the same or my situation is still going to be the same. Though it hurts most all the time, all I can do is just trust in God and hope I can have the good things forever someday though seemingly impossible.

Feelings of hurt and loss of someone special (a teacher, most trusted friend, spiritual mother, counselor, life coach, mentor, confidant) is like cancer.

And I feel like in every friendship/relationship, I am a side dish.

- A loner

Accept me as I am

Just because I'm not diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, I still wish the same things as the diagnosed. This is not a way to make an excuse but a way that I want people to accept me as I am, Asperger or not.

Here is a blog from an Aspie (Asperger person) writing "Five Things We'd Like People to Know About Adults on the Spectrum". I have the same wishes as he is. These blogs, for example, and a Facebook group help me find the words I've been looking for in order to let people what really is that I need because I find it hard to find my words to describe my requests and what I am feeling. When I want to share about my request, I always end up being described as "clingy" because these are my words "treat me like 'the others' " or "can I be your baby?" when I mean "can you please help me and give some attention to my needs?" "Treat me like 'the others' " when I should have said "I may be different but look inside of me, I'm still a person. I'm the same as every one else. I have needs to. Underneath that facade which you see every day, I'm still a person with needs. Accept me as I am. Treat me like 'the others'. " Anyway, I said the words again; I'm still confused with my words of expression. Because of those words, I lose people; I just lost someone I trusted, my Big Sister/teacher/counselor/friend.

Anyway, read Five Things We'd Like People to Know About Adults on the Spectrum, to know what we (Aspies) have been requesting to the majority of people.

It Hurts...

It hurts everyday to know that what has been treasured is now gone.

It hurts to keep up with having my relationship with God when I don't have a relationship with His Family.

It hurts to know that God is my God but He can't be fully my God because God is a God of relationships.

It hurts that I am losing myself because of trying to hang on and move on.

It hurts that trusting pays a lot of risks and may end up a disaster.

It hurts to not fit-in in this shallow stereotyped world just because I am not accepted for who I am, even in God's Family.

It hurts to "belong" in a group and assumed that I fit-in though they do not know who I really am.

Vertical and Horizontal Relationship

(in relation to Reflections of a Faint Heart (2nd blog) - Racing with Ohana)
(my concern relayed to the author of Philippians 3:7-8 – Vertical To Horizontal Relationships)

What if I already have, I mean, I'm alright with God. But I still fail in my horizontal relationships. Yes, I've been told to work out my vertical relationship and my horizontal relationship will come after.

I was alright with God before my relationship with my spiritual mother turned sour. I never wanted my relationship with God be affected but it did waver, including my relationship with others.

And I thought, "can I ever have a good relationship with God when I don't have good relationships with people?" I mean God is a God of relationships. God is not my God if my relationship with His people is not there, or not cultivated.

I'm a loner, have been a loner. Frustrated with my social life because I lack it. Because I lack social life, I thought, I only want just God and me, and why do I have to trouble myself with God, others, and me? But spiritual life doesn't work that way.

Jesus said to love God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength (vertical), but Jesus emphasized and included, "and the second is like it: you shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Mt 22:35-39)

Jesus also said that before we offer our sacrifices to God, we should first be reconciled with our brothers (Mt 5:23,24).

It is also said that in 1 Jn 4:20,21, he who loves God must also love his brother.

I am in need right now. I have tried reconciling with my spiritual mother (she's also a pastor, she helped me transition in life). I stop joining prayer meetings and bible studies because it hurts when I see her. Though it hurts me more that I am isolated from God's family. Isolation is a disorder that could stunt spiritual and emotional growth. Though I've reached an adult age now, I'm still emotionally underdeveloped (or I'm emotionally that of a child).

Nonetheless, I write to you that your May 11 article may need more because it's kinda broad and I may want to know your thoughts on both the vertical and horizontal relationships. And for more than a month, I get convicted of this many times through my devotions and prayers with God.

When we have God, we are not only married to Him but also to His Family, right? And our spiritual relationship is that of a Cross (vertical and horizontal). Let me share an illustration: The vertical line is the foundation. Without the balance beam (horizontal line), how will the foundation stand tall for long? When calamities come (persecution, trials), it's byebye foundation if it's not strong enough.

Yes, God is our firm Foundation. And God knows we can't stand on our own because we are still imperfect. Relationship with others is two-way. But relationship with God is three-way. But we should never rely on others for our spiritual needs. And when we rely on God, our spiritual needs are met (that's where your May 11 article goes).

I have another illustration: Christ is my vessel (from the song "If Christ is my vessel I can smile at the storm..."), the Father is the wind, and His people is the sail. If I have no relationship with God's people, how can I set sail if there is no sail? If a storm comes, the sail is useless and it's packed inside the vessel. Still Christ is our protector.

In this storm I am in and because I have no control over my relationships with others and it really is hard for me to believe that I will ever have good relationships with people and have anything good (Rom8:28), I must still and pray for help from God to trust Him and lean not on my own understanding (Prov3:5).

I still waver with my thoughts esp with the vertical and horizontal relationships. I'm not sure whether the conviction comes from the Holy Spirit or just my own thoughts. I am not perfect.

But my main point is: I just want God and I don't want my relationship with people affect my relationship with God.

A Broken Spirit and A Contrite Heart

God IS close to the brokenhearted. Once we acknowledge His Love and Presence, calling to Him, trusting Him, and praising Him would not be too much of a struggle because His Holy Spirit will guide us as we offer ourselves to God.

Linked to: Dear God: I am sorry. I have sinned.

Don't have it? Can't have it?

Don't complain because you don't have this or that. Be thankful because you have what others would envy you for, and some would feel hurt or heartbroken because they can't have it even though they can grab it at their own reach but...really, can't have it.

Like a child who wants a lollipop but cannot have it because he has diabetes.

Like a teen who wants to go out with friends but has to stay in the hospital because of cancer.

Like an athlete who wants to run as fast as he can but became paralyzed.

Like an old lady who wishes for companionship but has grown old without family and friends.

Give what you have and what you can to those who need it more.

Personally, I yearn for unconditional friendship. A friendship where I can have time and attention and hugs. But, I am deprived of hugs, ever since I was still younger. I am thought to be "clingy" and overly dependent, and even thought to have "gay tendencies".

All I want is a hug but I am in trouble for it.

Every time I see people and friends hugging, I feel a nail piercing my heart. I just wish for them to stop hugging in my midst. I don't want to see them hugging while I can't have it.

Specially want a hug from someone who has taught me and cared for me (my mentor/counselor/teacher/Big Sister), but she can't give me because she has thought it best as "healthy distance".

I may have gotten hugs from random people, but it is different when it is someone close to you.

Today is a churchmate's birthday. She is a year younger than me. I worry that my Big Sister would hug her a Happy Birthday. That would really hurt me. When I had my brithday, she greeted me on YM only.

My envy and jealousy is unacceptable. I know it's wrong but I can't help it. It just comes to me.

Some times, I try to hug or give a hug. But because I don't have much practice and, maybe, experience with it, I am not comfortable.

Some times, I wish that there is no such thing as relationships or, better yet, hugs.

Nonetheless, I can only fantasize of hugs.

In my prayers, I could just say, "God, I can't hug you, I can't touch you nor can I feel you hugging and holding me against your bosom. I've been taught that you provide our needs but how can you hug me? But God, touch my heart. Touch my heart like you have touched me before, like the first time I came to know you. You are my Father. You are my Teacher. You are my Therapist. You are my Friend. Touch my heart and just fill me with Your Love and Comfort, Your Presence, and Your unfailing Majesty. You have revealed Yourself to me in many ways, and that I thank You."

After I wrote this journal entry, I saw this. Honestly, it is so hard to see or to fill in to others' shoes when you are one of them. Though hurting myself, I honestly try to give what I can to those who need it too. I am not perfect but God is perfect and we are told to be like Jesus Christ without exceptions. It is also my prayer that God would teach me, guide me, and lead me to become a person who is from Christ and of Christ and one who lives in Christ.

May weaknesses become strengths in all of us. Amen.