Just because it's Christmas or the New Year doesn't mean I am miserable. It only has become a bad timing that I'm facing or thinking things that I feel sorry for myself.
Christmas isn't merry for me at all. I don't wish for any presents underneath the Christmas tree. I don't wish to receive any at all. New Year makes me miss those old times, old friends and I can never be able to bring them back anymore.
Everywhere I go, social life is always involved. I see people having good times with their relationships (friends, family). I yearn for that..always, but I always feel out-of-place in the presence of friends. I go to the mall, restaurants, all social places by myself. I wish to be invited out but never been. I wish to join or include myself in the group but, never mind, I don't feel invited; I'd rather go my way opposite theirs.
I find no one to share. There's Achi Caroline but I still think I'm not sharing at all. Sharing is like being able to be me, but sharing about me can be uninteresting, so why bother to find someone to share with? Because I feel lonely, like I have the load of the whole world. God's there. Is it even enough talking to an invisible God? I hesitate myself from sharing because I'm uninteresting, self-centered, and afraid they may not be listening at all. They hear but do they listen? There's others but it's like they've had it with me. They're not responding. Could they hear me? I always feel invisible or dead.
It's hard to trust these days.
Trust doesn't always mean that secrets be kept and someone listening, but also someone who would not reject, give up, taking for granted, not making me to be just a routine.
My standards are high? I am afraid to be left behind, be hurt again.
Everytime I think of myself, I think of someone who's rather not live. What beauty would such a person like I who's afraid to even face reality, who can't find a lasting functional relationship with people, who wish to find another home, who cannot stand to live one more day in the house she's living, who go to church, a place that she thinks she can be herself, but really can't, who's always reserved, waiting for something significant?
Why can't I be me whom no one would judge, no one to say I should be this or that? Why can't they just accept me as me? It's like every part of me is always a flaw. Everywhere I am, people would judge me. Do I judge them?
If only it happened that I was able to leave everything behind from everything and everyone I know. Could I be facing these things like now if that happened?
12.31.08
